Deep sea diving for pearls of wisdom. Alone, like a speck of dust floating in an empty banqueting hall with tables, chairs, tablecloths, napkins, cutlery and sustaining food to feast on absent. I am an intro-speck… intro-vert…a hermit-crab. Can you see how I’ve closed up? I feel it. I am it. The ‘it’ girl? part of ‘the in crowd’? Not likely. ‘Out group’ is more my scene. Out-crop, outward/a life of inward living, an psychiatric inpatient?-yes, three times. On the ward with all the others who thought they had reached the end of the road, only to be first institutionalised, then rehabilitated, then discharged. I walk round that town, leaves blowing around my ankles, and still see them, but not released as free citizens such as I, on leave, accompanied by nurses. They did not fare as well as I did. Their struggle is different to mine though we share that strand of struggle within us. They are childless, non prescription drug dependent, alcohol dependent. I am outpatient, but growing impatient of it. Impatient for discharge, but knowing there is still healing work to be done. It drains my batteries. Therapy is so sometimes therapeutic, and sometimes like walking through a dark forest with no navigation and no lighting, tripping over fallen branches and sometimes giant obstructive logs that block my path-the only thing keeping me walking is my therapist’s voice, but she is distant. She is different to me. She is mentally well. She is my guide towards wellness and recovery. She has attained what I aspire to. She is already there. She is a clinical psychologist who helps people for a living and is well rewarded financially for her skills. I am an amateur psychologist who tries to help my friends with no renumeration, apart from internal satisfaction. Internal satisfaction fuels me. I see the pound signs associated with the career lost to mental ill health, and resentment sidles in like a pleasure sapping serpent. But still I go on because I have to. I will charm that snake and hyponotise it into submission. I will pursue my path, just as soon as I’ve figured out what it is. When I was severely poorly, living was my goal-which I achieved. I lived through it. I hit rock bottom and stayed there, on the floor of the sea bed. I sat it out. I learned to breathe deep underwater. I learned to live with the constant emotional water pressure, and the panic of gulping down occasional influxes of water. Crisis was my norm. But now I am settling into a calmer way of living. I am not sat on the sea bed. I swam up breast stroke, frogs legs and all, and am now maybe a few feet from the surface. Close, ever closer-just not close enough. Where I want to be is on the surface, naturally. I want my head to be above the water, not under it. I have ropes round my ankles keeping me beneath the surface. The ropes are attached to the anchors on the bottom of the sea bed. My abusers do not wish me to ever reach the surface of the sea. For me to have got a few feet beneath the surface must irritate them. If I’m going to irritate anyone by choice, it would be them. Recovery is great revenge yes? I think so. That is what drives me. I want my anchors to be attached to a safe harbour, not the bottom of the sea bed, but my traumatic past ensures I was anchored unfavourably. I just have to lengthen the ropes I guess, or cut myself free somehow. Can anyone pass me a swiss army knife? One of those would be very helpful.
…This is what happens when my mind goes deep. I wrote this in a stream, very quickly. I don’t know if it makes sense, but this is me, Summer, feeling wet, and cold and empty, with lung fulls of water, sick of the under water breathing that is depression and PTSD.
Things will get better. I’m just sad today. I’m allowed to feel sad sometimes. There is lots to be sad about. There is also much to be encouraged by.
Life is a game of two halves. Yin and yang. Happy and sad. Black and white.
Today I am yang, sad, black. I wanna be yin, happy & white.
I’m working on it :)
I will do my SUNSHINE BLOGGER AWARD later-that should help :)
Just needed to extract this darkness out of me first.
Thanks for sitting with me while I spill this out. To everyone who reads my posts-THANK YOU X