CONFUSION FUSION

CONFUSION FUSION

pink-panther

Sleepy writing…Internally fighting slumped shoulders and aching muscles, many dramatic tussles going on inside my addled over-used mind…you know what they say, ‘seek and you shall find’…I was born this way, one of a kind… my childhood stars unhelpfully aligned which kind of put me in a bind, message to the gossips out there- “your own business mind”, [rearrange that sentence so ‘mind’ at the start]-excited like a kid first time on the track with their go kart-from shrinking violet to street smart. Summer’s beginning again-I’m Barbie, my other half is named Ken-it’s so lush living in Barbie’s dream house…from singleton to loved up spouse. Rooted far down into the ground to another man, two twin souls become trees that stand [by choice] as close as they can. I haven’t always been the bestest wife, hands up guilty- no need for judgement, don’t stress, I’ll twist my own knife. Life… what’s it all about? Went to a church today and wanted to walk out, or at least shout. Seriously bad things happened to me in Catholic churches, but I’ve found my own spirit in reward for all my searches. I didn’t put my hands together and say the lord’s prayer-I won’t conform, so sod the scornful stares. I thought I was healing, but right now I’m strongly feeling ANGER, at the rituals involving a dust covered wire coat hanger. This is abstract writing so you maybe won’t ‘get it’, but I can’t squish it down, if it wants to swim to the surface I’ll respectfully let it. Gotta go with what comes into my head and fully embrace the fusion of overlapping confusion. Shut your eyes summer, think of happy things, think of your child at harvest festival and rewind to the memory of her smiley face as she sings. Why today is it such a stretch to blog about positive things?… well today has not been a good day 😦 Work exhausted me, and the church bit at the end stopped my down time being relaxing and free…I decided today that NEVER ever again do I want to set my foot inside a church, the PTSD evoked in there makes my entire stomach lurch. I have choice now. I can, I will, I have already opted out, so I’ll pass on the holy water drank from the religious spout. The only water I’ll be drinking, is the one that aids me with my linking. Linking up with other special souls is everything-but selective people only, not the fakers with the bling. My radar for people is pretty astute, no formula I can capture in writing and convolute. Just simple instincts and feelings, no need for shady dealings. Saying no to people who are no good for me, I once was trapped but now I’m a bird set free. My head is tied up in myriad knots, but when the dot to dots connect I’ll understand it, the whole damn lot. In the bigger picture, what really matters? I think I know…it’s a man + two girls, what more do I need to achieve the rosette for best in show?

**This was just me riffing, trying to puzzle out the sludge in my head. I’m not feeling great today and my PTSD was triggered really bad by attending the harvest festival for my daughter. This time of year holds many bad memories for me. I try not to let my ptsd mean I avoid things, such as going to the church tonight ( for my daughter’s benefit)…but the emotional effects of these decisions to ignore my wishes linger on, so maybe I do need to make a conscious choice to not do things that I know in advance will be triggering. We are moving our daughter to a non-religious school shortly which I feel will suit us so much better, so I literally never want to go in a church again after my experience today. Hopefully I can get away with no wedding or christening invitations for the rest of my life?! How hard can it be?! That’s me and churches done. I say it here and now, and I mean it. As an abuse survivor (a survivor of religious abuse) I can say NO now to whatever I want. That was a luxury that was never permitted for me back when I really needed it 😦

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38 thoughts on “CONFUSION FUSION

  1. People should listen when we say no. It’s good you can stand your ground. You’re free now, fly like a bird, soar through life and continue spreading survivor hugs. You got this ❤️

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  2. This was very powerful a deep painful sort of rap. I could hear and feel the rhythm as I read it! You just commented on my blog today and mentioned that you thought we were twins! I took it affectionately. Now after reading this… I don’t yet know your story (I will read more)… I think we may really be twins! I too have experienced abuse from pastors and a church. Only about two days ago I came across another blog that talked about this. You are the second. I have been feeling very alone and embarrassed and filled with shame over these experiences. This is a type of abuse you don’t hear people talk much about. I am so sorry for everything you had to endure. I could relate to this whole post. I too cannot go into a church. The few times I have tried, it was emotional and traumatic as well. I came to the same point that you are at, I decided that I cannot and will not ever go to church again. I have been criticized for this choice by well meaning “Christians.” But they don’t have a clue what I have endured and I am not so sure it would matter. And I am certainly not going to risk finding out. Again, I am so terribly sorry for all that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your truth.

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    1. Thanks blue sky 💖 Religious abuse isn’t discussed much at all, that’s true. Religious institutions are immensely powerful (though less than they used to be), and speaking out against the church is very frowned upon in society. People who are bullied at school often avoid school events when they are adults, so having been abused in a church, it’s natural we’d want to avoid churches. I’m glad I’m not the only person who finds churches triggering. Thanks so much for writing and leaving this heart warming comment ❤😊

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        1. Wow, I’m completely touched by your comment! That is SO KIND of you to say. My light does shine brighter…that’s the whole ethos of the blog 🙂 It’s so nice to have people who understand something of what I go through. Comments like yours make my blogging worthwhile 🙂

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                1. Cool. I don’t recommend many books but it is one of the good ones as it is practical…the healing exercises in it are useful if you are doing a lot of work on yourself. Having a therapist to discuss the things that come up for you emotionally when you complete the exercises is ideal, the best of both worlds 🙂

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                    1. I haven’t done EMDR. It isn’t on the cards yet, if at all, because she reckons if I can get better at regulating my emotions independently when I get flashbacks I probably wouldn’t be helped much on top by emdr. I have done a lot of emotional processing about my trauma, and had physical/spiritual healing…so I am not sure she thinks emdr is necessarily a good idea for me. Also I have so much trauma, spanning over a decade, so there isn’t much that is easily “healed with emdr. It would take months/years to re-process EVERYTHING. I know a few people who have had it though and they said it helped them lots 🙂 Do you follow Athina at courage coaching? She is a great person to ask, she is my friend and she’s absolutely lovely X

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                    2. The therapist I have seen for the past three weeks told me that she would never take me back to my trauma in this way. And I had one experience with EMDR about a month ago (with a different therapist) and it was a very traumatic experience. So now I am afraid of it. I wanted to know this because some people think this is a good therapy, but like you said with multiple traumas it seems it would take a very long time. I feel comforted that you were able to get this far without this type of therapy. It gives me confidence that my own gut feelings about EMDR are right for me. And that I can get the help I need without it.

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                    3. I am really sorry you had this experience . I know that with EMDR it’s essential to have a very strong therapeutic alliance established. You can’t just have few sessions with someone then commence the therapy. maybe your ex-therapist suggested it too soon…that said, traumatic material is THE MOST difficult content to face in therapy, so there is no getting around it. Direct trauma intervention like this is really painful and I was told it would maybe destabilise me too much, which is why they have never attempted it. When I was very poorly, my suicide risk was just too high to begin with. For me to do all the EMDR I needed it would probably be a year of weekly sessions. In other words 52 sessions! …and each of my therapy sessions was an hour and a half anyway. So it’s a big undertaking. I don’t think EMD is the be all and end all. It’s relatively new, so people are excited about it, but trauma treatment is slow. My therapy was quite organic and evolved at my pace. I’m currently on a therapy break at the moment but I wouldn’t have been without my therapist. I don’t think I would have survived otherwise as my suicidality and self-harm was so high. Best of luck!

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        1. That’s very true x Healing is a VERY long process, maybe even a forever one, but it isn’t as bad now as it has been in the past that gives me hope that it will ease up in time. Hugs lovely lady 🙂

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  3. Sorry about your day yesterday, darling. I was not completely here as I have been in the last few days. I hope it’s better today, even slightly. There is nothing wrong if Church is totally out of your system. It’s a personal preference. Don’t put yourself through the agony. Thinking of you now and sending much love and the warmest bear hugs. XXX

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    1. Thanks darlin X 😘 I had an awful night, nightmares all night. Mark kept waking me up as I was so distressed and hyperventiliating and shouting out in my sleep. The church was so threatening, never again will I put myself through it 💖💖😢

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      1. That is horrid. 😦 So sorry. Don’t ever do that to yourself again. I still have my religion but I don’t go to church these days. I probably should but that’s for me. It’s not the same for everyone and with what you had to endure with the church, you are best without it. Lotsa love, sweetheart. Hugs XXX

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    1. Thanks for the hugs hun, I’m feeling sensitive and in need of them. I had bad nightmares last night and feel shaken up this morning 😦 I’ll pick up again soon, just a bit flattened after a stressful day yesterday. I hope you are doing alright, and not getting too submerged in the black dog X

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