I ruffled a few feathers I think with my earlier post. I expressed myself strong, and laid my emotionality out in full HD.
What happens when you shine light through a prism? It splits into a rainbow of colours like so…
This is the standard image of refraction [or whatever the process is-I was never interested in science at school, sorry if this is the wrong word.]
I have come up with an analogy for the difference between me (who has emotionally unstable PD) and you (who don’t share this diagnosis).
If I shone a light through every human being, we would not all conform to the standard prism image.
As someone with a beautifully labelled PERSONALITY DISORDER. *Thanks mrs psychiatrist for that vote of confidence* I am not a standard issue person. It isn’t that I came out wrong, like there was some random manufacturing defect I was born with. I’m like this because of abusive trauma. Human error of the worst possible kind.
My personality and identity has a far wider range than someone without a PD diagnosis. If you shone a light through me to reveal *my true colours,* in my analogy there would be a larger number and wider variety of colours produced. Maybe the stripes of colour that make up my personality would be a bit fatter than yours too.
Because I have extremes that you don’t have, I have a far wider range of emotional expression-*which to me makes me interesting does it not?*…but I know the extremes of my emotional range of colours will not suit some. I may even, at times, repel you. You may like some of my posts and hate others. You may think you know me and what I’m about, then lo and behold see a different side to me. This side may be either more or less appealing or attractive. I write in different styles according to mood. You may like me when I’m a certain way, but not like me in all guises and manifestations of summer. Maybe I should call myself Summer etc…as da daaaaa I am not easily put in any personality pigeon hole. I need an etc tagged on the end.
When I sat in the hairdressers earlier I was sat next to a lady who was very much not like me. If I shone a light through her, fuck all would happen basically. She would be fifty shades of beige…though that didn’t stop her talking incessantly for well over an hour about all the different restaurants she went to on her recent holiday to Mexico. I could recite every god damn meal she ate during herb time there. I know that her hair went frizzy as soon as she stepped outside the hotel room as the humidity was so high. I know the hairdryer in the hotel room was rubbish. I know that the wedding she attended was not on the beach as planned, but inside as it was the rainy season in Mexico. I know the staff were very efficient and they decorated the room really nice and she was so full after the lunches and snacks that she only had a sandwich every night for her evening meal.
SHE WAS BORING AS HELL!!! [and she made me hungry].
I sat there, captivated by her dullness, listening, chuckling silently to myself, thinking I am so glad I’m a many shades of rainbow person and not your standard issue model like she was. I am glad my truthfulness blows people’s socks off occasionally. I am glad I provoke at times when I say things as they are and leave my words delightfully un-minced. I am glad I’m not always perfect. I’m glad I have meltdowns from time to time then come over all smiles a few moments later. I like the rollercoaster.
TASTE THE SHINING RAINBOW! All colours, not just the standard ones.
I like my fat stripes and wouldn’t swap them for your thin refined ones.
I am emotionally a child, so am inclined to tantruming sometimes, only in a comedy way, never in a nasty way. I attack only in a sense that I am defending myself when provoked. I am not the killer clown running round scaring people. I am the person simply saying DO NOT EVEN TRY TO SCARE ME.
I assert myself with emphasis sometimes. I complain about people sometimes. People won’t agree with everything I write, just as I don’t agree with exactly everything I may read.
Trying to fit into a world of standard prisms when you are a *personality disordered taste the emotional rainbow type of person* is hard sometimes.
People don’t always understand how strong my feelings are.
You may think I’m over-reacting.
The kind of people who think I am overreacting are typically the ones I find boring.
That’s a simple un-minced truth.
I like life to be interesting.
Sometimes I love my PD. Sometimes I hate it. But I can’t imagine being anything other than what I am….forever on the fringes…competing only with myself, as knowing I can never be like you, striving to better myself, to rise above, but in striving for that sometimes to fall flat on my face in slow motion creating huge embarrassment. At least I do it in colour.
Am I too much? Is my wide spectrum TOO WIDE? Yes, maybe.
But if you shine a light through me, at least I know I am not fifty shades of beige so that is good with me.
Authenticity all the way.
PS. Here is the result of my hair cut and colour. I had a fringe cut too, spur of the moment. I love it! I feel like a new reinvented person. And I know a hell of a lot more about Mexico now too ;)