I have some points to make based on some reflecting I’ve been doing lately following blog comment chats with other blogger peeps out there.
There seems to be a lot of encouragement [psychological pressure if you ask me] put on me by people to “move on” from my childhood trauma. I don’t dispute statements relating to my pain and how the power is within me to not feel it is well meant, HOWEVER what I need (and my friends will understand very well) is VALIDATION that it’s ok for me to feel shit sometimes, and that it’s ok for my blog to be less inspiring in content sometimes, if it means I am expressing my very real, legitimate and understandable mental health reactions to my past. I am advised that expression is good, but there comes a point where I need to stop expressing it, as that expression is keeping me stuck in the past. My response to that is simply, I will keep expressing it for as long as I feel a need to express it. I cannot put a pre-arranged timescale on that. If I knew I would be healed on a particular day I would put a countdown clock on my blog widget so we could all look forward to that date and you could count down with me :) But there are no countdown clocks when it comes to healing from wounds that run deeper than gigantic volcano pits.
There are different types of people- there are people who have suffered pain only in their lives, and people who have suffered pain AND TRAUMA. I use the qualifier pain ‘only’, not because that pain isn’t painful. It is pain, so by definition it is painful! It hurts. It smarts. It causes tears to fall. It is not easily forgotten. Try not thinking of toothache when you get toothache-you will struggle to think of anything but that tooth. The pain knaws away at you. Paracetamol doesn’t help much. You feel sorry for yourself. And that example is just toothache. I use the qualifier just because if you have toothache you don’t say I just have toothache. You say “I FUCKING HAVE TOOTHACHE AND IT IS FUCKING KILLING ME HERE!!!”…but anyway if I came up with a platitude to try and make your toothache more bearable, you would most likely want to slap me [or is that just me and what I’d want to do to someone else who was irritatingly cheerful and philosophical when I was in pain] ;) So, moving on, we’ve talked about toothache, now what if you had the emotional equivalent of toothache. What if the pain was emotional but just as shit as toothache, if not much worse that toothache? Shit life events come into this category. Heartbreak is emotional toothache. Job loss causes emotional toothache. Bereavement causes emotional toothache. All of these emotional toothaches represent PAIN. If you split up from your partner and it was not your choice, or even if it was your choice but you’d been together a long time you would feel emotional pain. I had some interaction recently with a blogger (who was followed then unfollowed quicker than you could say this person is not my british cup of earl grey tea) He cited the example of how he split up with his partner and how he could have chosen to dwell on it, but instead he has been philosophical and lots of other patronising rubbish which I can’t quote verbatim as I forgot it immediately upon clicking unfollow. It might sound ruthless, to unfollow someone just because they give you advice that is unpalatable to you, but I am very black and white about things, right and wrong, and what I firmly believe is wrong is pressuring (they will think they are encouraging) any other person to deal with something immensely painful and personal, assuming that the platitude they give you will actually help matters one morsel. If someone gives me [excuse my French] “bullshit platitudes/advice” on my blog, I am always tempted to give them a good cyber slap, but as yet there is no recognised universal way of slapping someone online, so I am left wondering how to reply back/if at all. The simplest rule of thumb is…if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, don’t comment :)
I have encountered many people online and offline who have said things that have greatly irritated me when I have opened up about the full strength of my feelings on something, and what annoys me is someone else judging that my feelings are disproportionately strong, or easily eradicated by
or any combinations of the above.
If you cite THE LAW OF ATTRACTION at me, you are on dodgy ground, so don’t blame me if you slip down in my estimation like Bambi falling on his/her arse on the ice. I’m Thumper, banging my angry paw on the floor. Can you hear me? LAW OF FUCKING WHAT? THERE SHOULD BE A LAW AGAINST SAYING I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE IF I AM UPSET BY MULTIPLE RAPES, PHYSICAL ABUSE, SEXUAL ABUSE, WATCHING OTHER CHILDREN GET TORTURED INCHES FROM MY FACE, GIVING BIRTH TO AND LOSING BABIES AND SPENDING THE FORMATIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE, AT HOME AND IN MULTIPLE LOCATIONS WITH STRANGERS AND “TRUSTED” FAMILY MEMBERS THINKING I MIGHT FUCKING DIE AS MY LIFE WAS REPEATEDLY THREATENED.
That is trauma. That is more than pain. That is fear of death. That is physical and sexual violation so severe I could pass out at the mere thought of it… but sod all that- “if the fucking law of attraction worked for you during your relationship breakup then that’s obviously where I’ve been going wrong all this time NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Like seriously!!!!! STOP THIS SHIT YOU SAY> JUST STOP IT!
Trauma physically changes the brain. Pain might affect your neurotransitters over time, but pain will not produce the MASSIVE structural neurological changes that trauma does, especially childhood trauma when your brain is at it’s most plastic and pliable and prone to being rewired and ruined in a negative direction.
I have complex-PTSD, which means if my brain was scanned many things would be different to a non-traumatised brain. You can have endless pain, but the brain difference just wouldn’t be there compared with traumatised and non-traumatised people.
If you say your relationship breakup is the same as my fifteen years of childhood sexual, physical and psychological abuse, YOU ARE FUCKING DELUDED MY FRIEND, so don’t say the spiritual strategies for dealing with your pain are adequate for me healing from my trauma. Don’t act like you are the enlightened one, and I am the miserable arse who is choosing to be unhappy and have mental illness. I have BPD, created by my trauma, which means my brain is different to those who do not have BPD, so both my diagnosed disorders separate me out from you, the enlightened one who was philosophical about your breakup.
I am too angry to write more so I will leave you will a song.
To any trauma survivors out there, don’t allow yourself to feel bad by the people who are just in pain. Your trauma is different and far worse, so don’t feel bad for suffering more. Enough said.
QUIT WITH THE CHIT CHIT QUIT WITH THE CHATTER!