I have some points to make based on some reflecting I’ve been doing lately following blog comment chats with other blogger peeps out there.

There seems to be a lot of encouragement [psychological pressure if you ask me] put on me by people to “move on” from my childhood trauma. I don’t dispute statements relating to my pain and how the power is within me to not feel it is well meant, HOWEVER what I need (and my friends will understand very well) is VALIDATION that it’s ok for me to feel shit sometimes, and that it’s ok for my blog to be less inspiring in content sometimes, if it means I am expressing my very real, legitimate and understandable mental health reactions to my past. I am advised that expression is good, but there comes a point where I need to stop expressing it, as that expression is keeping me stuck in the past. My response to that is simply, I will keep expressing it for as long as I feel a need to express it. I cannot put a pre-arranged timescale on that. If I knew I would be healed on a particular day I would put a countdown clock on my blog widget so we could all look forward to that date and you could count down with me ๐Ÿ™‚ But there are no countdown clocks when it comes to healing from wounds that run deeper than gigantic volcano pits.

There are different types of people- there are people who have suffered pain only in their lives, and people who have suffered pain AND TRAUMA. I use the qualifier pain ‘only’, not because that pain isn’t painful. It is pain, so by definition it is painful! It hurts. It smarts. It causes tears to fall. It is not easily forgotten. Try not thinking of toothache when you get toothache-you will struggle to think of anything but that tooth. The pain knaws away at you. Paracetamol doesn’t help much. You feel sorry for yourself. And that example is just toothache. I use the qualifier just because if you have toothache you don’t say I just have toothache. You say “I FUCKING HAVE TOOTHACHE AND IT IS FUCKING KILLING ME HERE!!!”…but anyway if I came up with a platitude to try and make your toothache more bearable, you would most likely want to slap me [or is that just me and what I’d want to do to someone else who was irritatingly cheerful and philosophical when I was in pain] ๐Ÿ˜‰ So, moving on, we’ve talked about toothache, now what if you had the emotional equivalent of toothache. What if the pain was emotional but just as shit as toothache, if not much worse that toothache? Shit life events come into this category. Heartbreak is emotional toothache. Job loss causes emotional toothache. Bereavement causes emotional toothache. All of these emotional toothaches represent PAIN. If you split up from your partner and it was not your choice, or even if it was your choice but you’d been together a long time you would feel emotional pain. I had some interaction recently with a blogger (who was followed then unfollowed quicker than you could say this person is not my british cup of earl grey tea) He cited the example of how he split up with his partner and how he could have chosen toย dwell on it, but instead he has been philosophical and lots of other patronising rubbish which I can’t quote verbatim as I forgot it immediately upon clicking unfollow. It might sound ruthless, to unfollow someone just because they give you advice that is unpalatable to you, but I am very black and white about things, right and wrong, and what I firmly believe is wrong is pressuring (they will think they areย encouraging) any other person to deal with something immensely painful and personal,ย assuming that the platitude they give you will actually help matters one morsel. If someone gives me [excuse my French] “bullshit platitudes/advice” on my blog,ย Iย am always temptedย to give them a good cyber slap, but as yet there is no recognised universal way of slapping someone online, so I am left wondering how to reply back/if at all. The simplest rule of thumb is…if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, don’t comment ๐Ÿ™‚

I have encountered many people online and offline who have said things that have greatly irritated me when I have opened up about the full strength of my feelings on something, and what annoys me is someone else judging that my feelings are disproportionately strong, or easily eradicated by





or any combinations of the above.



That is trauma. That is more than pain. That is fear of death. That is physical and sexual violation so severe I could pass out at the mere thought of it… but sod all that-ย “if the fucking law of attraction worked for you during your relationship breakup then that’s obviously where I’ve been going wrong all this time NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



Trauma physically changes the brain. Pain might affect your neurotransitters over time, but pain will not produce the MASSIVE structural neurological changes that trauma does, especially childhood trauma when your brain is at it’s most plastic and pliable and prone to being rewired and ruined in a negative direction.

I have complex-PTSD, which means if my brain was scanned many things would be different to a non-traumatised brain. You can have endless pain, but the brain difference just wouldn’t be there compared with traumatised and non-traumatised people.

If you say your relationship breakup is the same as my fifteen years of childhood sexual, physical and psychological abuse, YOU ARE FUCKING DELUDED MY FRIEND, so don’t say the spiritual strategies for dealing with your pain are adequate for me healing from my trauma. Don’t act like you are the enlightened one, and I am the miserable arse who is choosing to be unhappy and have mental illness. I have BPD, created by my trauma, which means my brain is different to those who do not have BPD, so both my diagnosed disorders separate me out from you, the enlightened one who was philosophical about your breakup.

I am too angry to write more so I will leave you will a song.

To any trauma survivors out there, don’t allow yourself to feel bad by the people who are just in pain. Your trauma is different and far worse, so don’t feel bad for suffering more. Enough said.





38 thoughts on “PAIN v TRAUMA

  1. Alex says:

    I’m so glad you said this, it’s been something I’ve been wanting to say for ages. People who don’t understand think it’s as simple as snapping out of it. Shall we all just forget about the shit that happened to us? Yeah okay, 1, 2, 3 boom. Forgotten.

    I wish it was that fucking easy! Sorry rant over. This post was awesome, thank you. Hope you’re feeling a little better than I x

    Liked by 5 people

  2. emergingfromthedarknight says:

    I was on the receiving end of this kind of ‘advice’ from someone yesterday. I didn’t have the strength to say what you said in this. It blindsided me. I love that you said all this. You are not here to please anyone, but to express the truths you feel. No one can or should dictate to you on this. I think unfollowing someone is appropriate if that’s what you felt you needed to do. It gives others courage to do the same.

    Liked by 4 people

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      I’m gutted you received a shit response from that person. People don’t have much understanding. They try to help, but they just piss me off, and why should we accept that? We are empowered adults, entitled to set boundaries and speak our mind ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope what I’ve written gives you some extra strength to deal with this assertively the next time it arises, and there will ALWAYS unfortunately be a next time, as this is just how many people are. Use your voice hun. You owe that to yourself ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      Liza, Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I love it when people praise me on my writing. I feel most comfortable when I write ๐Ÿ™‚ I like putting controversial messages out there sometimes. I will ruffle feathers, but only when I’m sick of having mine ruffled ad nauseum! HUGS Xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Anne J. says:

    Hi sweetheart. I’m glad you’ve gotten that out of your system. Of course, I know who you’re talking about. You had to rant. I also did about one blogger who just wanted to change my mind about my position about “under God”. That’s not acceptance. We really should work more on accepting others’ feelings and ideologies that are different from our own. The differences shouldn’t take away the love.

    I’m sorry though that you had to go through this. You’re right, there are varying levels of pain and trauma is definitely not just pain. I was actually telling my work colleague yesterday that I feel like such a spoiled child because I went into depression after a divorce like it’s something “special”, which we know isn’t because of the very high divorce rate. The difference is I’ve always suffered from lack of self-worth and although I’ve developed self confidence, it only covers my work that I’m qualified and experienced to do. When it comes to my personal being, it’s a little harder.

    Like I say to you all the time, you just never be apologetic for yourself and your feelings. Bugger those people, right?

    Love you lots and warmest hugs ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ˜˜

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Liz says:

    Hi Summer. No you did not go to far, those who know about trauma will understand and those that don’t are in need of learning instead of being ignorant or judging for the wrong reasons. Everyone who has some kind of trauma as we have experienced the same or similar, will have different ways to deal with and for how long this takes, again, we are all different. It certainly isn’t something we canbrush under the carpet. Each day is different as we learn to tackle it in our own ways. Some days will be good, then others as we know may feel we have taken a goid few steps. But we get back up again, rant if we need to. Talk about it if we need to.

    Yes, some can just do what you have been told. I have come across those types. Hey, if it works for them, then brill, but like you know and I am the same, it doesn’t work for me.

    Hope you are feeling better getting this off your chrst and in your blog post. X

    Liked by 2 people

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      Thanks for the support Liz. It is so much easier to walk this path with others who understand us and can properly empathise! Your words are music to my ears ๐Ÿ™‚ It is ignorant to think that you can fix people with silly advice. I do feel better expressing all this ๐Ÿ™‚ That is why I blog, to put out a message, and also to relieve myself of burdens that weigh me down xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Paper Doll says:

    Sometimes I think people give advice because they care and don’t know what else to say (not that that makes it right) and sometimes they’re just ignorant.

    You have absolutely every right to feel how you feel about what happened and to be traumatized and to not always be happy – absolutely every right.

    Your feelings and you are incredibly valid.

    Liked by 3 people

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      Thanks for validating me ๐Ÿ™‚ As someone with BPD who had my feelings invalidated ALL THE TIME, validation is soothing. I do agree with you that sometimes the care people have is genuine, and I think I can detect those kinds of people. Their advice may not help a great deal but it is clear they do care and are trying to help. When I wrote the piece I was heavily influenced by the one blogger who I unfollowed (who was extremely patronising and minimising of my experiences). I am actually a very spiritual person, but I don’t write about my spirituality in my blog as I feel it is personal. When someone else thinks they are enlightening and illuminating me with spiritual truths, and imposing their ideologies, when I already have my own viewpoint, that is when I have serious problem with it. It makes my blood boil lol! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Blue Sky says:

    My husband and I laughed so hard reading this. Not at what you said, which could make us cry. But in how you said it… you certainly have a way of putting things. This was WONDERFUL Summer. I have been wanting to scream this since the first day I started my blog. Writing and expressing ourselves is a positive sign… it is a part of healing. And it may take us the rest of our lives to resurrect our souls from the dead! This is surviving. Anything less than validation just shuts down our already broken, wounded, and traumatized spirits! I have wanted to shut down my blog probably more times than the months I have been doing this. The last time being just a few days ago. These people are absolutely CLUELESS to what it takes for us to speak about our truths. Often times it feels as though we are and must talk about our trauma in riddles because our fear to do otherwise is so great. Good for you for being able to respond the way you have and to communicate your feelings about it!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Rayne says:

    Yes, yes and YES! Well said! I’m so sick of people with their law of attraction bullshit and “it’s time to forgive and move on… stop dwelling in the past.” or “you’re just making yourself feel worse by dwelling on it, it’s over, there’s nothing you can do about it, so stop living in the past.” Fuck these people. I hope you’re okay my friend. xx โค

    Liked by 2 people

  8. dbest1ishere says:

    Wooohooo nice post! Its so true people just dont get it. We are survivors of trauma and if we could just snap our fingers and be normal holy shit Im pretty sure we would. We dont choose to struggle daily I mean who would. Idiots. Love this post

    Liked by 1 person

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      Thanks! I am encouraging people to reblog it if they agree with it, as I kinda want this to reach more people! To discourage people from making these kind of comments on our blogs!! No obligation to, but if you want to, go ahead ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m really glad you liked it-thanks for reading


  9. AprilEsutton says:

    I’ve kept a private journal for years. I have noticed in the public arena people want the lessons learned and the happy ending. For example all the knowledge acquired by sufferers of the Holocaust, Anne Frank. Sometimes it just sucks, and the public can’t handle it.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Barney says:

    Shine Summer Shine! Well said! I want to apologize for what you went and are going through. Before you dismiss this I just want to say that as a 62 yr old life-long porn addict and I feel partly responsible as my porn consumption, regardless of the reason, fed a monster that makes victims of the innocent. I have been reading a lot of blogs by both sexual abuse victims and the spouses of addicts and have come to realize that my actions to medicate my own pain served to feed an industry that victimizes women and men all across the face of this planet, including my wife. Summer I am so sorry.. Don’t you take any shit from anyone and don’t hesitate to unfollow, unfriend or whatever when some dipshit shows his/her true colors. No one, Not has walked in your shoes. We are all unique individuals, as is our story. I hope that you found some sense of relief or satisfaction by writing this. You well deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      Hello Barney! And thanks for your comment ๐Ÿ˜ŠThe porn industry leaves me cold. I don’t like to see the mistreatment and sexual
      exploitation of people. It is too evocative for me. I’m really pleased you are facing your addiction like this and blogging openly about it! Was your wife in the porn industry? Or have I misunderstood. How was she victimised? I’m so sorry about that ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I got a lot of relief from writing this yes, and I’m absolutely delighted that people have written comments of agreement and support for it! ๐Ÿ™Œ I’m clearly not the only person who feels this way. PS. My sexual abuse history turned me into a sex addict, or at least i’ve had phases of sex addiction which has been damaging to my marriage, but we’re close again now and I’m working hard to deal with my addiction. Thanks for reading, and your thoughtful comment ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Barney says:

    Summer, my wife is my victim, I will never understand why she stayed with me but she did and now I am trying to lezrn how to love and love her again. My fear is I am too late but from this point on I mission is to love, honor and cherish her the way I always should have. I am sorry that addiction has visited your doorstep as well but it very common. I wish you well. I must admit i am a bit of an Anglophile. I lived in Dunoon, Scotland from 1966 to 1968 when my anuse took place. My dad was a sailor at the american submarine base. My first to blog posta tell my story. I need to learn how to make a link on my about page the way you did. โค Barney

    Liked by 1 person

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      Ah I see, your wife must be very special. My husband is a saint too! I’m glad you like England. I live near Scotland, as far north as you can get in Britain. Maybe it’s the typos but I am a bit confused about your questions about the about page. If you clarify the question I’ll give you the answer ๐Ÿ™‚ Summer


  12. lee says:

    So so so inspiring. I’ve experienced that I don’t get nearly as many likes or comments on my posts that are like this, but who really cares? You’re getting it out there, being honest and vulnerable, and that takes so much courage. I love it

    Liked by 1 person

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