Do you remember the song “sorry seems to be the hardest word”? Well, I have the opposite problem.
And in this post I will try and refrain from apologising for my problem, because that is the problem I am trying to address. Over-apologising.
I apologise too much.
I’m British, so I have a inherited propensity to mumble apologies willy nilly in almost any social situation.
But I am becoming aware that I apologise more than the average person.
Eight out of ten cats apologise less than me.
I always used to think apologising was a sign of good manners and good morals.
Ironically I was brought up by two extremely moralistic parents, who were also abusive to extreme degrees. They raised me to be obedient. They raised me to thank them when they were emotionally and psychologically abusive to me. They raised me to be subservient. They raised me roman catholic, hence my dislike of religious doctrine, as these religious morally upstanding community members who did their visible and admirable charity work were behind closed doors disgusting and abhorrent ABUSERS. Is anyone else thinking of Jimmy Saville? I am.
I hope you will understand more why I have a rebellious style of writing in my blog posts, if you understand me in context of the restrictive upbringing I had at the hands of the abusers known as my mum and dad.
I couldn’t argue with anything without being trampled over by them with guilt, using religious moralistic arguments for why they deemed me BAD. The shame stamp was well used. The ink on the shame stamp only actually began to dry out when I cut off all contact with them a few years back. But until then, then raised me with the guilt trip and stamped with with the shame stamp, to get me to conform to their
My strategy (which many abused children employ when they grow up in abusive environments) was people pleasing, trying to be perfect, to not put a foot wrong, and also apologising AUTOMATICALLY when they were displeased by me in any way, regardless of whether I’d done anything wrong or not (nine times out of ten, I hadn’t done anything wrong.) Even if I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, I apologised so they would not be mad at me, and so I would not get abused further/ later in the day. Of course, I couldn’t stop the abuse as I was a child, and they did it anyway, because they could. But automatic apologies STILL come so easy for me. I have been conditioned to be this way.
In conflict scenarios with my husband, he is shit at accepting ownership that he is in the wrong ever. Whereas I find it easy to see my own wrong doing, so I apologise more and faster, while he apologises less or not at all. Sometimes I resent this, but most people are more like my husband than me I suspect. Most people have a hard time accepting they are wrong and offering up an apology. Whereas I am the other extreme of probably apologising far too much, and accepting more responsibility for things than I perhaps should.
In the poem I wrote for my husband, I feel that level of apology is appropriate. I DID do wrong. This is my fault (or at least, the cheating is my fault, but pretty explainable by my psychological history). But a couple of days ago I made a public apology to the friend that I’d upset by my recent rant post, and I do regret that. I think that was maybe a unnecessary apology and quite frankly I wish I hadn’t made it. But I guess it’s better to apologise then regret it, than to not apologise, and regret that.
My complex-PTSD conditioning came into play. Someone is upset. Apologise like automatic robot Summer. Never once did I pause to weigh up whether I should apologise or not. The person did not accept my apology, nor reply to me, so I am moving on now. But I have learned a valuable lesson.
THINK FIRST. Have I really fucked up? or have you just taken the hump to what I said because it clashes with your viewpoint?
Thank you RAYNE for making me realise this. Love you lots like jelly tots x
No more automatic abused girl
done wrong not done wrong apologising for me!
What about you? Do you find apologising easy or hard?
Any tips on how I could be less British in future? If you have any tips, please help! :)
NOT SORRY NO MORE! ;)