SORRY ISN’T HARD

SORRY ISN’T HARD

Do you remember the song “sorry seems to be the hardest word”? Well, I have the opposite problem.

And in this post I will try and refrain from apologising for my problem, because that is the problem I am trying to address. Over-apologising.

I apologise too much.

I’m British, so I have a inherited propensity to mumble apologies willy nilly in almost any social situation.

But I am becoming aware that I apologise more than the average person.

Eight out of ten cats apologise less than me.

I always used to think apologising was a sign of good manners and good morals.

Ironically I was brought up by two extremely moralistic parents, who were also abusive to extreme degrees. They raised me to be obedient. They raised me to thank them when they were emotionally and psychologically abusive to me. They raised me to be subservient. They raised me roman catholic, hence my dislike of religious doctrine, as these religious morally upstanding community members who did their visible and admirable charity work were behind closed doors disgusting and abhorrent ABUSERS. Is anyone else thinking of Jimmy Saville? I am.

I hope you will understand more why I have a rebellious style of writing in my blog posts, if you understand me in context of the restrictive upbringing I had at the hands of the abusers known as my mum and dad.

I couldn’t argue with anything without being trampled over by them with guilt, using religious moralistic arguments for why they deemed me BAD. The shame stamp was well used. The ink on the shame stamp only actually began to dry out when I cut off all contact with them a few years back. But until then, then raised me with the guilt trip and stamped with with the shame stamp, to get me to conform to their morals ABUSE.

My strategy (which many abused children employ when they grow up in abusive environments) was people pleasing, trying to be perfect, to not put a foot wrong, and also apologising AUTOMATICALLY when they were displeased by me in any way, regardless of whether I’d done anything wrong or not (nine times out of ten, I hadn’t done anything wrong.) Even if I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, I apologised so they would not be mad at me, and so I would not get abused further/ later in the day. Of course, I couldn’t stop the abuse as I was a child, and they did it anyway, because they could. But automatic apologies STILL come so easy for me. I have been conditioned to be this way.

In conflict scenarios with my husband, he is shit at accepting ownership that he is in the wrong ever. Whereas I find it easy to see my own wrong doing, so I apologise more and faster, while he apologises less or not at all. Sometimes I resent this, but most people are more like my husband than me I suspect. Most people have a hard time accepting they are wrong and offering up an apology. Whereas I am the other extreme of probably apologising far too much, and accepting more responsibility for things than I perhaps should.

In the poem I wrote for my husband, I feel that level of apology is appropriate. I DID do wrong. This is my fault (or at least, the cheating is my fault, but pretty explainable by my psychological history). But a couple of days ago I made a public apology to the friend that I’d upset by my recent rant post, and I do regret that. I think that was maybe a unnecessary apology and quite frankly I wish I hadn’t made it. But I guess it’s better to apologise then regret it, than to not apologise, and regret that.

My complex-PTSD conditioning came into play. Someone is upset. Apologise like automatic robot Summer. Never once did I pause to weigh up whether I should apologise or not. The person did not accept my apology, nor reply to me, so I am moving on now. But I have learned a valuable lesson.

THINK FIRST. Have I really fucked up? or have you just taken the hump to what I said because it clashes with your viewpoint?

Thank you RAYNE for making me realise this. Love you lots like jelly tots x

No more automatic abused girl done wrong not done wrong apologising for me!

What about you? Do you find apologising easy or hard?

Any tips on how I could be less British in future? If you have any tips, please help! πŸ™‚

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NOT SORRY NO MORE! πŸ˜‰

 

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20 thoughts on “SORRY ISN’T HARD

  1. I’m a stubborn child and too proud so yes, I’m like your hubby 😦 I hardly apologize unless to my boss or the shallow apology.. I think I used to apologize for myself always but I have grown tougher (even if fake) so I just stand my ground and have a grumpy frown. It’s not pretty. πŸ™‚ Love you lots. Hugs. XXX

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  2. This is wonderful. We are so used to apologizing for our existence in our minds that it sometimes bleeds over into what’s appropriate in real life. Then expecting and accepting an apology can add a whole other layer. I had to learn to apologize for something I said that hurt someone (usually my husband) but not apologize because what I was feeling was past shame. Such a dance we survivors have to learn, isn’t it?! xx

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  3. I can relate to this VERY much Summer and I do believe this is related to abuse. My husband has been trying to help me overcome this ever since we met. I once had someone hit my car and rip off my side view mirror and I got out of my car and apologized to them! It is absolutely ridiculous, and if it wasn’t so very sad, it would be funny! When we apologize so quickly for everything, we also take on their shame on top of all the shame we already carry. This is another way the effects of abuse keep on traumatizing us. I cannot say that I have yet overcome this, but I am working on it. And I have had a few successes, but the instinct to automatically apologize is still very strong inside of me. I wonder if it stems from a deep seated sense, not that we have done wrong, but that WE are wrong… us our very beings. The last time I had a trigger and panic attack, I found myself blurting out while crying hysterically, “What have they done to me, what have they done to make me feel this way?” You are not alone in this struggle Summer. Thank you for sharing this. The layers and layers of trauma we deal with at times seems unending. Good for you for realizing this and taking back your power. Maybe this is the only way we can begin to over come this! Cheers to you and lots of hugs!

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    1. Hugs back as always blue 😊 I think you are right, the over apologies are rooted in shame. Trauma fucks us up big time, excuse my blunt way of putting it, but it does!! πŸ’– O believe we can overturn our negative conditioning though with awareness. That’s how blogging is great, we alert ourselves to these unnecessary ways of behaving!

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  4. I really relate to this too. If anything happens to someone I love I somehow feel responsible. I have fucked over my own life caring so much for others pain and feeling it was somehow my responsibility to heal it that I have been so depressed when I woke up and realised in and then felt suicidal (for years).
    What has helped me is my current therapist. If you have BPD Summer the hall mark is invalidation abuse, as you know. Your abusers condition you into the scapegoat role and then it becomes almost impossible to throw it off without someone solid in your corner.
    My pattern is finally changing after many years. Narcissists will try to get you to apologise when you react to them hurting you. I just watched a You Tube video from Lisa Romaro (sorry its late here and I don’t have the link at the mo) about what to do when narcissists get angry at you for being you. The key is in learning that they are at fault and you wont change their fucked up opinion. We should never have to apologise for being ourselves. Its soul destroying to us when we do.

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    1. I love every comment you write to me. You understand me so well.😊 Invalidation abuse is at the heart of many of my problems. My dad was a narcissist and my mum made me feel guilty for everything, like I was ruining her life! πŸ˜•

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  5. Oh I can relate to this post! Everyone keeps telling me to stop apologizing so much (I think it annoys them actually). Even my therapist says I do it far too much and I need to stop apologizing for things that I have no hand in. My pharmacist told the other day when I went to go fill my script, that if I apologize to her ever again, she’s not going to help me anymore! I was like, “okay, sorry for saying sorry!”. πŸ˜‹

    Oh I got a shoutout! Glad I could help, my lovely! I love you tons! Xx πŸŒ·β€οΈπŸ’œβ€οΈπŸŒ·

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