WHY DO THE BIRDS SING? TW

Why do the birds sing, today of all days?

Don’t they know of my malaise?

Cars roll past-people go about their day

Of last night, I dunno know what to say

I’m here, I’m here. I still fucking here

Slides on black ice like Bambi the frightened deer

Bambi on drugs, but only the ones doled out on prescription

A thirst for binging is her typical crisis affliction

She cut herself too, prefer not to say “I”

She is ashamed, though honest she never did it to die

She cut because cutting is safer than “other”

A few little lines that still sting, now hid under a plaster for cover

‘Other’-the meaning-must I spell it out?

Slipped in her religious recovery-guess she’s not so devout

Not so devout in her faith of herself

Overcoming the odds? No, she toppled off the high up RELAPSE shelf

Broke into pieces

while she dreamt of languishing on pain-free tropical beaches

Sucked by mental illness PTSD infested leeches

Stupid how she does those vlogs and speeches

She’s imperfect and doesn’t always practise the good intentions that she preaches

Email sent to psychologist lady

Ignoring suicidal pain is pretty clinically risky and shady

I reckon so anyway

Issues loaded on a boat that won’t sail away

Just gimme a break please gimme a break

Swam to the bottom of depression’s icy lake

Not by choice

Sank more like

Impailed on hypomania’s spike

What do you do when you’re feeling like both drowning and flying?

Taking your chance on a game of twisted poker-faced I-fucking-spying

Why birds must you sing?

Where marks the end to this mood swing?

Sick of this crisis thing

Cut myself again

Danger

High voltage

All alone

Dogs walked by a friend

Kids safe with their grandma

Just me in this house and my mind

Prepare for Summer rain’s next downpour

She can cry now

In private

Crisis signature of consent remains un-signed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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28 thoughts on “WHY DO THE BIRDS SING? TW

  1. Barney says:

    Omg, I am so glad you are well enough to write and you are Not stupid. You are intelligent and bright and capable of sharing what is going on in your mind. Nope, Not stupid.But Summer I must reiterate when you feel this coming on don’t isolate, take your laptop and go to a safe place with other people around. I hope I’m not overstepping. Praying for you 🙏❤️ Barney

    Liked by 1 person

    • summerstartstoshine says:

      I can’t drive barn cause of the excess tablets I took. Safety when you have PTSD is at home. Unfamiliar noisy places create panic. I live in a village with nothing here, just houses. I am exhausted 😢❤

      Like

      • Barney says:

        I can only imagine, sorry for overstepping, I am learning, Do you have an emergency plan? Like things you can do to keep yourself safe. I reckon staying home and not driving would be part of that. Tell me to shut it if I need to, just concerned for you, hugs, Barn

        Liked by 1 person

        • summerstartstoshine says:

          You haven’t overstepped, I just am so used to this and how it manifests that I know when it’s sensible/wise to do certain strategies. Cutting and overdosing isn’t either of those things obviously, but damage limitation means I can’t safely drive. I’m dizzy. 😦 I don’t feel a need to tell you to shut up at all. I know you sincerely want to help *hugs*

          Liked by 1 person

          • Barney says:

            You just took a load off, obviously this isn’t your first rodeo, you do sound better, I do hope the sound of the birds becomes pleasant and relaxing for you, I know that when I am in the pit everything pisses me off, very unpleasant to be around. No idea why my wife never left me but I am grateful she didn’ t, would probably have done the *other* I would get so low! BARN

            Liked by 1 person

  2. wonderdaze says:

    I thought I’d stop by and catch up with you – your vids are thoughtful and uplifting and very authentic, and I wouldn’t expect any less. Thank you always for putting yourself out there. You are lovable and creative and damn smart! You work so hard and I’m sorry things have gone to crap recently. I know how futile everything seems when the moods start to cycle down. You are getting through it, taking care of kids and pets and doing what you can for yourself. That is ALOT, that is everything at this moment. You are so strong! You are not alone though I’m sure it seems that way. Ride it out if you can, things will change. So sorry you are suffering. Much love to you, thinking about you and reminding you of how badass and fab you are and that its ok feel the way you do. Hope you find something comforting for yourself – sending a big, warm, accepting hug from me to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Alexis Rose says:

    Oh my dear friend Summer, I hear each and every emotion. You’ll get through this poppet. Maybe a little beat up; I’m not going to pretend it gets easier in the next few days but it will get better after we say goodbye to another Autumn. Keep writing, keep vlogging, you are a shining light just by virtue of being you. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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