‘THE SENSE’#soc

 

The sense is NOT something we all have.

What is it? …….

It’s an abstract knowing- no searching and scrabbling in the dark for insight arrived at through logical reasoning or seasoned introspection. Sense is the way the universe provides us with info rich energetic inflection-higher vibrations-sometimes takes us on a journey lower-fast, not SLOWER-trust it-don’t throw it away-it’s what make you YOU-you have a gift bestowed which is special and only given to you.

The sense can make you feel superior. Because you instinctively intuitively ‘know’ stuff-stuff that is SO OBVIOUS to you, yet seems lost on the rest of your peers and fellow world dwellers…Do you not get it? Do you not get what you’re missing? I think you must be tuned into a different channel to me-that frequency was not set by me-I just live life on this channel specific to only me.

But can it make you also feel small? Yup. Small when you realise you are a lone voice-I’m alone in the playground-I’m making a noise… but they’re not tuned into my sound. I shout, I whisper, the message is “if you love her you shoulda kissed her”. Now you’ve missed her. Her soul hurts from the blister. She’s a cross between a hurricane and a spiritually attuned twister.

My sense is not your sense. My brain works quicker. My heart beats faster. You should have kept up. You didn’t.

I don’t have the patience to wait.

If this is abstract, my apologies…couldn’t be arsed to edit.

The sense never arrives too late.

Straight and narrow.

Do you glide through life like a swan or a heavy cumbersome wheel barrow?

Your field of vision is painfully narrow.

But you don’t realise…as you lack the sense.

No recompense.

You’re happily oblivious to what you’re missing in your world.

So enjoy it and leave me be in mine.

My heart will repair.

Believe me when I say.

“I’m doing just fine”.

tumblr_n5d5jlcks61s4wbdoo1_500

5a61e47b80f813885100ee8a2e574c04

 

Advertisements

BACK ON MY FEET!

This is a post about post-traumatic growth.

For those of you who are new to my blog and not fully up to speed, this blog is a “post-psychological breakdown blog”…In essence, this blog (about summer starting to shine) is about me figuring life out, after being so close to death (by suicide).

My life started to go pear shaped about five years ago. At the age of 30 I began my descent into the abyss of mental illness. Repressed memories of severe child abuse began to flood my consciousness.

img_20161122_115826906

And life has never been the same again.

But life is full of transitions.

Sometimes life changes in manageable HEY I CAN DEAL WITH THIS EASY ways…

But other times life knocks you onto the ground and you lay there, winded, stunned, and unable to make sense of the blow you just had to your chest. You stay in this place of defeat for a long time, and it can take you years to get back onto your feet again.

It has taken me five whole years to re build myself after breaking down….

BUT I’VE FUCKING ACHIEVED IT! I’m so proud.

tumblr_mtaj9vquzf1rdwu9ro1_r1_500

Having my discharge from mental services planned, a date to be discussed between my psychiatrist and psychologist is A HUGE STEP FORWARD.

Barriers were smashed yesterday.

img_20161122_115916835

I’ve been downhearted at times lately, but this boost has galvanised all my strength to continue my recovery.

My recovery did not stop yesterday when my psych told me I’m ready for discharge.

My recovery will continue for the rest of my life. You can’t have a life like I’ve had and be “normal”

The great thing though about that truism, is there is a caveat to it.

What I’ve been through is actually preparation for me becoming extraordinary.

img_20161122_115946076

Have you ever heard of the phrase POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH?

I have heard other PTSD bloggers mention it in passing but don’t know much about it so I will consult the oracle of truth GOOGLE…

excuse me for one moment, opening up new browser tab

 

Ahh, this is what is it…..

Post-traumatic growth (PTG) or benefit finding refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to a higher level of functioning.[1] These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to individuals’ way of understanding the world and their place in it.[1] Posttraumatic growth is not about returning to the same life as it was previously experienced before a period of traumatic suffering; but rather it is about undergoing significant ‘life-changing’ psychological shifts in thinking and relating to the world, that contribute to a personal process of change, that is deeply meaningful.[1]ith*

Good description. Well done Wikipedia

claps and cheers

How about finding out…..what forms does posttraumatic growth take?

https://ptgi.uncc.edu/what-is-ptg/, you read my mind!…. This is what they said….

Posttraumatic growth tends to occur in five general areas. Sometimes people who must face major life crises develop a sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle, opening up possibilities that were not present before. A second area is a change in relationships with others. Some people experience closer relationships with some specific people, and they can also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer. A third area of possible change is an increased sense of one’s own strength – “if I lived through that, I can face anything”. A fourth aspect of posttraumatic growth experienced by some people is a greater appreciation for life in general. The fifth area involves the spiritual or religious domain. Some individuals experience a deepening of their spiritual lives, however, this deepening can also involve a significant change in one’s belief system.

YES YES YES !

I AM LIVING PROOF OF ALL THIS. I am spiritually enlightened, I have strong empathic relationships with those who suffer with similar abusive demons,  I do believe in my own strength HELL YEAH BOOYAH, I do appreciate life more, despite it’s apparent shittiness at times, and finally new opportunities are emerging from this epic crapness.

I WANT TO USE THIS TO PROPEL ME TO GREAT THINGS.

I WANNA BE THE NEXT MAYA ANGELOU.

BEST OF LUCK THERE SUMMER…DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD MAYBE REVISE YOUR AMBITIONS?!? scratching head ;) haha.

NOPE.

I’m not only learning to shine, but I’m reaching for the stars, and nothing can stop me.

Woop woop.

LIFE IS EPICLY AWESOME WHEN YOU’VE DEALT WITH PTSD AND YEARS OF SUICIDAL CRISIS. BOOYAH.

This, my blogger friends is post traumatic growth, right in front of your eyes, bouncing off your screens onto your retinas.

LOOK AT ME.

img_20161122_120134788

I AM POST TRAUMATICALLY GROWN!! AND NOT EVEN FULLY GROWN YET.

I’M 6FT NOW…I WONDER HOW TALL I’LL GET!!

WOOT WOOT :)

With love, from a happy EMPOWERED Summer

XXX

Cuddles all round, cause I feel like it today :)

SQUUEEEEEZZZZEEE

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLANNING FOR DISCHARGE

I had my psychiatrist appointment today…I was tense beforehand. I always am. Here are some pictures of me looking tense…

I have it in my head that she’s scary….she actually isn’t…but I’ve had so many bad experiences with her in the past when I was very poorly and my nerves were off the scale jaggedy, so I have always perceived her as very threatening.

We have power struggles.

I am not good at taking her advice as I have strong ideas which are often quite different to her ideas. Ooops.

I think today we established that although I am extremely grateful for the mental health care I’ve received when I really needed it, I no longer fit as a NHS CMHT patient.

My aspirations are no longer just survival. I have big dreams, and I want to achieve them and I have self belief that I WILL bloody achieve them :)

Today I talked to her as if I were an equal person who demanded equal respect. If anything I was the dominant one.

We talked about how I don’t like to be controlled.

We talked about my drive for self determination after feeling helpless and powerless and hopeless for so long.

I told her my grand plans. She told me about the risks of me going ahead with those plans. I said, yup, I hear you, but I’m still going to go ahead with my plans :)

She asked me if I wanted to be discharged yet.

I said, I do, soon but not yet…(see I have to have control in all aspects)…so she will talk to my psychologist and we will work towards a formal discharge date.

IS THERE REALLY LIFE AFTER MENTAL HEALTH APPOINTMENTS???

WHAT WILL I DO WITH THE TIME I WOULD HAVE USED ATTENDING APPOINTMENTS?

HOW ABOUT TREATING MYSELF YES YES YES….I DESERVE IT!!! AFTER ALL THE CRAP OF THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS.

I TOLD HER SHE WILL SEE ME ON TELLY ONE DAY.

SHE TOLD ME SHE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT AND HOPES I ACHIEVE EVERYTHING I SET OUT TO ACHIEVE.

The only thing I feel guilty about was I was maybe a bit mean to her…a bit too far over the assertiveness scale. I was prepared beforehand for a battle you see. I argued my points well. I pushed for her to respect me and my viewpoints and to not treat me as a personality disorder labelled patient, but a person who’s been to hell and back and survived, because there is fire in me and determination to build a good life after the shitty start in life fate dictated I had. I was assertive. I was maybe not as friendly as I could be.

I am just so sick of being treated in a parental way by these people.

I want them to see me for the person I am and can be…not the person I was when I was ill.

I am NOT ill. I have issues, but I am nothing like as bad as I used to me.

Summer is shining baby!!

Here are some doodles I did earlier…I sat down with the kids and we drew with sharpies. It helped me express myself and dejnk my head after my intense conversation.

Next time I see her will be the last time. I will write her a thank you letter and give it to her. We have had an up and down relationship, but I value the contribution she’s made to my life.

Now I feel we are more equal, and the battle is over…maybe just before I say goodbye to her, I can put my weapons down…and just chill and say thank you to her for everything she’s done.

I’m ok on my own now.

And that feels A M A Z I N G !

img_20161121_190958694img_20161121_191048378img_20161121_191137891img_20161121_191147581img_20161121_191347656img_20161121_191313558

 

 

 

DO YOU EVER?

Do you ever wonder why you’re here on this planet?

I do.

Do you ever wanna giggle at nothing except for the sheer incredulous ridiculousness and meaninglessness of our human existence.

I do.

Do you ever want to cry at how much you hate yourself?

I do.

Do you ever want to draw over the body parts that you don’t like with red sharpie and a big X (meaning, this is dispensible, this needs to be dieted or exercised off me)

I do.

Do you ever wanna drag a blade across your skin just to wake yourself up out of your current emotional nightmare, and make you realise as you see the red ink seep out that you’re still alive?

I do.

Do you ever wonder when depression will be replaced with a life of unending light spreading out into infinity?

I do.

Do you ever want to simultaneously hug someone and tell them to leave me the fuck alone at the same time?

I do.

Do you ever wonder why with all the advances in life, we still haven’t found a cure for basic human physical and emotional suffering?

I do.

Do you ever wonder why people with no morals or empathy, who commit crimes against fellow man, are still allowed the same human rights as those who have empathy and kindness and respect and morals by the bucket load? Do you ever ponder the unfairness of this?

I do.

Do you ever wonder what people would say at your funeral? Or even who would attend?

I do.

Do you ever try and make a list of your friends and who is actually good for you and who is a drain or who you are indifferent about, and let that inform your future social choices over who you invest your precious time in?

Maybe I will.

Do you ever wonder why you think you’re a nice person yet you write blog posts which are crude, raw, and sometimes aggressive in tone?

I do.

Do you ever wonder what will happen when you lose interest in life to the extent that you never question anything or care about anything or anyone?

I do….I think that’s called death.

So as I’m alive I continue to ask these questions. I continue to carry the burden of my own pain and the pain of many other souls. I stumble on, as unsure as I was as a little girl at primary school.

You may get older, but nothing fundamentally changes.

Your vocabulary used to explain the confusion in your head just gets more sophisticated and refined.

You get to a point where you are old enough to explain your epic confusion about life in a way that is so fucking sophisticated and insightful and crammed full of externally validated wisdom…

and then you die.

And no one knows how much you never learned.

That is life and all it’s politiks.

BADLY DRAWN ELEPHANTS

JUST DRAW SUMMER. HOW HARD CAN IT BE…

THIS IS MY FIRST/SECOND ATTEMPT AT AN ELEPHANT.

img_20161119_121751048

IT HAD TO BE AN ELEPHANT, AS THIS RELATES TO MY RECENT POSTS ON ELEPHANTS AND THE THERAPEUTIC PROCESS.

THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT CARTOONING ON MY BLOG. I WANNA CHALLENGE MYSELF TO BE CREATIVE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. AFTER A WHILE OF DRAWING ELEPHANTS I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION…

THAT I CAN’T DRAW ELEPHANTS

SO I JUST WROTE WORDS IN SHARPIE INSTEAD HAHA ;)

HERE ARE THE RESULTS OF MY EFFORTS…

img_20161119_145319052

 

img_20161119_145348072

img_20161119_145353933

img_20161119_153758056

img_20161119_153813943

HAHA :)

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK…SHALL I STICK TO THE DAY JOB? ;)

tumblr_nn53wa3pmp1suu3yio1_500