I had my psychiatrist appointment today…I was tense beforehand. I always am. Here are some pictures of me looking tense…
I have it in my head that she’s scary….she actually isn’t…but I’ve had so many bad experiences with her in the past when I was very poorly and my nerves were off the scale jaggedy, so I have always perceived her as very threatening.
We have power struggles.
I am not good at taking her advice as I have strong ideas which are often quite different to her ideas. Ooops.
I think today we established that although I am extremely grateful for the mental health care I’ve received when I really needed it, I no longer fit as a NHS CMHT patient.
My aspirations are no longer just survival. I have big dreams, and I want to achieve them and I have self belief that I WILL bloody achieve them :)
Today I talked to her as if I were an equal person who demanded equal respect. If anything I was the dominant one.
We talked about how I don’t like to be controlled.
We talked about my drive for self determination after feeling helpless and powerless and hopeless for so long.
I told her my grand plans. She told me about the risks of me going ahead with those plans. I said, yup, I hear you, but I’m still going to go ahead with my plans :)
She asked me if I wanted to be discharged yet.
I said, I do, soon but not yet…(see I have to have control in all aspects)…so she will talk to my psychologist and we will work towards a formal discharge date.
IS THERE REALLY LIFE AFTER MENTAL HEALTH APPOINTMENTS???
WHAT WILL I DO WITH THE TIME I WOULD HAVE USED ATTENDING APPOINTMENTS?
HOW ABOUT TREATING MYSELF YES YES YES….I DESERVE IT!!! AFTER ALL THE CRAP OF THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS.
I TOLD HER SHE WILL SEE ME ON TELLY ONE DAY.
SHE TOLD ME SHE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT AND HOPES I ACHIEVE EVERYTHING I SET OUT TO ACHIEVE.
The only thing I feel guilty about was I was maybe a bit mean to her…a bit too far over the assertiveness scale. I was prepared beforehand for a battle you see. I argued my points well. I pushed for her to respect me and my viewpoints and to not treat me as a personality disorder labelled patient, but a person who’s been to hell and back and survived, because there is fire in me and determination to build a good life after the shitty start in life fate dictated I had. I was assertive. I was maybe not as friendly as I could be.
I am just so sick of being treated in a parental way by these people.
I want them to see me for the person I am and can be…not the person I was when I was ill.
I am NOT ill. I have issues, but I am nothing like as bad as I used to me.
Summer is shining baby!!
Here are some doodles I did earlier…I sat down with the kids and we drew with sharpies. It helped me express myself and dejnk my head after my intense conversation.
Next time I see her will be the last time. I will write her a thank you letter and give it to her. We have had an up and down relationship, but I value the contribution she’s made to my life.
Now I feel we are more equal, and the battle is over…maybe just before I say goodbye to her, I can put my weapons down…and just chill and say thank you to her for everything she’s done.
I’m ok on my own now.
And that feels A M A Z I N G !