PLANNING FOR DISCHARGE

I had my psychiatrist appointment today…I was tense beforehand. I always am. HereΒ areΒ some pictures of me looking tense…

I have it in my head that she’s scary….she actually isn’t…but I’ve had so many bad experiences with her in the past when I was very poorly and my nerves were off the scale jaggedy, so I have always perceived her as very threatening.

We have power struggles.

I am not good at taking her advice as I have strong ideas which are often quite different to her ideas. Ooops.

I think today we established that although I am extremely grateful for the mental health care I’ve received when I really needed it, I no longer fit as a NHS CMHT patient.

My aspirations are no longer just survival. I have big dreams, and I want to achieve them and I have self belief that IΒ WILL bloody achieve them πŸ™‚

Today I talked to her as if I were an equal person who demanded equal respect. If anything I was the dominant one.

We talked about how I don’t like to be controlled.

We talked about my drive for self determination after feeling helpless and powerless and hopeless for so long.

I told her my grand plans. She told me about the risks of me going ahead with those plans. I said, yup, I hear you, but I’m still going to go ahead with my plans πŸ™‚

She asked me if I wanted to be discharged yet.

I said, I do, soon but not yet…(see I have to have control in all aspects)…so she will talk to my psychologist and we will work towards a formal discharge date.

IS THERE REALLY LIFE AFTER MENTAL HEALTH APPOINTMENTS???

WHAT WILL I DO WITH THE TIME I WOULD HAVE USED ATTENDING APPOINTMENTS?

HOW ABOUT TREATING MYSELF YES YES YES….I DESERVE IT!!! AFTER ALL THE CRAP OF THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS.

I TOLD HER SHE WILL SEE ME ON TELLY ONE DAY.

SHE TOLD ME SHE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT AND HOPES I ACHIEVE EVERYTHING I SET OUT TO ACHIEVE.

The only thing I feel guilty about was I was maybeΒ a bit mean to her…a bit too far over the assertiveness scale. I was prepared beforehand for a battle you see. I argued my points well. I pushed for her to respect me and my viewpoints and to not treat me as a personality disorder labelled patient, but a person who’s been to hell and back and survived, because there is fire in me and determination to build a good life after the shitty start in life fate dictated I had. I was assertive. I was maybe not as friendly as I could be.

I am just so sick of being treated in a parental way by these people.

I want them to see me for the person I am and can be…not the person I was when I was ill.

I am NOT ill. I have issues, but I am nothing like as bad as I used to me.

Summer is shining baby!!

Here are some doodles I did earlier…I sat down with the kids and we drew with sharpies. It helped me express myself and dejnk my head after my intense conversation.

Next time I see her will be the last time. I will write her a thank you letter and give it to her. We have had an up and down relationship, but I value the contribution she’s made to my life.

Now I feel we are more equal, and the battle is over…maybe just before I say goodbye to her, I can put my weapons down…and just chill and say thank you to herΒ for everything she’sΒ done.

I’m ok on my own now.

And that feels A M A Z I N G !

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37 thoughts on “PLANNING FOR DISCHARGE

  1. Anne J. says:

    Oh yeah!!! Happiness!!! I’m over the moon, my darling! This is amazing news! And what you have, too, are all the people here who care about you and only want the best for you. Exciting times!!! Lotsa love and warmest, tightest bear hugs! Mwah! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. emergingfromthedarknight says:

    Sounds to me like you are taking your power back…. I am so glad for you. I am sure you have other resources which give you much much more than the psychiatric community can. Some days you will shine other days you may feel sad again but the sun always keeps shining somewhere, just remember that on the cloudy, rainy days. Lots of love to you ❀ ❀ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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