Tidying the house you came into my mind

Pathways well trodden, easy to find

Christmas is coming, celebrations near

I’m a mum now myself but still knotted with pain and fear

Mum, I felt it just now. I felt you there

Thinking of me, but not with good cheer

What do you feel on this day? what’s in your heart?

Why won’t you love me?-please, it’s never too late to start

I felt you close, I touched your skin

You’re the person written on my passport as my next of kin

When I hurt I want my mum

But you’re poisoned, just like the rest of them

Your devotion to them ended up meaning more than your devotion to me

You turned your cheek and you walked away in the rain and left me

Abandonment wounds ooze and bleed

My fate was sealed, my heart never ever got freed

I never turned off how I felt for you

I still love you now despite all that hurt you continue to do

It’s times like now your absence is most vividly felt

Just like I felt it back then when my captors tightened their belt

This blog is meant to be happy- a place where I play and I shine

But at Christmas especially I can’t be happy all the damn time

I live with a disability invisibly felt

One where blood flows through the alphabet, L.O.V.E mis-spelt

You chose your husband- you always needed a man by your side

You’ve got three other kids, so one less you don’t mind

You’ve got what you want. That doesn’t include me

Fuck MERRY Christmas-leave me alone to just be

I got used to alone, back when you were still mum

I’d happily go back for a minute to being young, defenceless and dumb

Younger not wiser. Alive not dead

You ostracised the whistleblower & shouted “off with her head”

Anyone who speaks is automatically OUT

I’d give anything to go back to those times when you’d shout

Because at least back then you were still fucking there

Losing a mum before she dies is fucking UNFAIR

I didn’t do wrong. My patience was long

You made it clear in our family I was a member who didn’t belong

Today I hurt, but I wish it that could be that I hurt there in your arms

A cuddle from you is what I want at this moment to feel calm

But I’m mumless at Christmas. You’re not even dead

How I long for you to be here to soothingly stroke the hairs on my head

It isn’t to be

I shrug my shoulders knowing full well you don’t love me

I’m loved by others. I just wish that were enough

I know I’d be a happier Summer if I still had your love :(

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