Tidying the house you came into my mind

Pathways well trodden, easy to find

Christmas is coming, celebrations near

I’m a mum now myself but still knotted with pain and fear

Mum, I felt it just now.Β I felt you there

Thinking of me, but not with good cheer

What do you feel on this day? what’s in your heart?

Why won’t you love me?-please, it’s never too late to start

I felt you close, I touched your skin

You’re the person written on my passport as my next of kin

When I hurt I want my mum

But you’re poisoned, just like the rest of them

Your devotion to them ended up meaning more than your devotion to me

You turned your cheek and you walked away in the rain and left me

Abandonment wounds ooze and bleed

My fate was sealed, my heart never ever got freed

I never turned off how I felt for you

I still love you now despite all that hurt you continue toΒ do

It’s times like now your absence is most vividly felt

Just like I felt it back then when my captors tightened their belt

This blog is meant to be happy- aΒ placeΒ where IΒ play andΒ I shine

But at Christmas especially I can’t be happy all the damn time

I live with a disability invisibly felt

One where blood flows through the alphabet,Β L.O.V.E mis-spelt

You chose your husband- you always needed a man by your side

You’ve got three other kids, so one less you don’t mind

You’ve got what you want. That doesn’t include me

FuckΒ MERRY Christmas-leave me alone to just be

I got used to alone, back when you were still mum

I’d happily go back for a minute to being young, defencelessΒ and dumb

Younger not wiser. Alive not dead

You ostracised the whistleblower & shouted “off with her head”

Anyone who speaks is automatically OUT

I’d give anything to go back to those times when you’d shout

Because at least back then you were still fucking there

Losing a mum before she dies is fucking UNFAIR

I didn’t do wrong. My patience was long

You made it clear in our family I was a member whoΒ didn’t belong

Today I hurt, but I wish it that could be that I hurt there in your arms

A cuddle from you is what I want at this moment to feel calm

But I’m mumless at Christmas. You’re not even dead

How I long for you to be here to soothingly stroke the hairs on my head

It isn’t to be

I shrug my shoulders knowing full well you don’t love me

I’m loved by others. I just wish that were enough

I know I’dΒ be a happier Summer if I still had your love 😦














40 thoughts on “TO MUM x

      1. I won’t say chin up. I hate people who effectively tell you to cheer up, regardless of how good their intentions. All I’ll say is I hope you can enjoy this time of year as much as is physically possible xxx

        Liked by 1 person

            1. That’s such a relief 😊 I’m so glad they operated quickly and that she’s recovering. The body is so fucking clever, how it can heal and recover. Thanks for what you said. I will milk the happy times for sure.

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              1. Definitely. Cancer picked the wrong woman to mess with in my mum. Too strong! It’ll take time for a full recovery, but she’ll get there.
                All good people deserve happiness regardless of the time of year, but I think people feel the strain worse at Christmas xxx

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  1. WOW! That was so hard to read. Terribly sad, I could feel the emotion through your words. Oh how I can relate in a so many ways. Parents can be so hard 😦 I just don’t feel wanted or loved and that sucks ass~ Anyways, as always doll face… I love you~MOOOAH! xoxoxoxooxxoxoox

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    1. I want and love you 😘 but I know that’s not the same. I watched a really sad TV Christmas special about someone who’s mum died, and I won’t get to be with my mum in her last moments of life as she already said bye to me a couple of years ago. πŸ˜” …fortunately you and I have husbands who are amazeballs πŸ™†πŸ‘ So that helps a lot X there’s no replacement for parents though πŸ’” Xxx I hope you have a peaceful crimbo darling Xx 😊😘

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      1. I am right there with you except I said, goodby to my mom this last time. I just can’t do this fucking circle jerk anymore. I want peace and love in my heart and life, period. I know I am being selfish and will have that regret but I won’t keep putting myself out there to be kicked in the teeth. I thank God everyday for that man in my life because if it weren’t for him who knows where I’d be? I am happy that you have a good man that supports you as well. We are strong women and have an even stronger man behind us or in front that will continue to protect us. You too doll face πŸ™‚ xoxoxxoxoxoxooxoxooxoxooxoxx

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        1. I don’t believe it’s selfish. It’s self-protective, which is different. I decided I couldn’t accept shitty treatment anymore either, and I gave up on her after she’d pushed me away. I fought hard for an ongoing relationship, but it wasn’t to be. Strong women are stronger with a strong man by their side 😊…And the orgasms are a definite bonus πŸ˜‚πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

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  2. Wow. Stunningly Beautiful. Heartfelt. Poignant, and so full of honest pain. The result of a mom who chose not to protect you. So glad she is out of your life, but so get the feelings you wrote here. I love you my dear poppet! β€πŸ™‹πŸ»πŸ˜˜

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    1. Thanks for those comments huni ❀ I’m feeling sad today. Christmas is painful. My parents are in my thoughts a lot right now πŸ˜žπŸ˜” I do like emotional poetry writing. It’s very cathartic and healthy. Many parents of abused children do what my mum did. I could never reject my child though. I feel empty without her. Nothing else measures up ❀

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      1. I totally understand. These dang holidays are so confusing. We try to live in the present, have feelings about the past, try to push them into some file drawer where they ooze out, repeat…repeat! The effects of trauma. I know you could never reject your kiddos, and yet the pain from our own rejection lingers. Sending you comfort all day long and the weekend too. ❀️

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  3. A very revealing poem containing so much raw pain and loss. Dealing with loss before death must be tough at anytime but at Christmas you must naturally remember your childhood and ‘mum’ and wonder why. I wonder too what she thinks at Christmas missing out on you and her grandchildren. Well done writing such a moving poem x

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    1. That’s a very sweet and understanding response. Thanks for reading D ❀ especially at a time when I know you’re struggling so much yourself. I think she will be thinking about me, but I don’t know if she feels anything more than anger, or even indifference. She is missing out on the grand kids though.


      1. I feel your Mum will be thinking about you a lot with deep regrets but in the end it was her choice to stick by your Dad. My Mam was fiercely defensive of my Dad and he could do no wrong it her eyes… Mam was scared of his reactions and she was piggy in the middle really. BUT it was hard to be always the one getting it bloody wrong. I am sure your situation is far worse than a bereavement and I feel your intense pain and their loss. I lost contact with my Dad for a year the year before his suicide and that was hard enough. Just watched your you tube
        vlog….excellent work… 2017 SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND x

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  4. Aww hun..I am crying after reading this post..It is finally holiday time for me and instead of being happy I have time off, I am sad also thinking of my parents, especially my Dad…It hurts SOOO FUCKING much doesn’t it?! The lack of parents..the goodbyes before they are even dead…The what if’s….It is so incredibly unfair..They were too sick to properly love and protect us..and yet caused an emotional pain sooo deep, that no one will ever be able to make it go away..Having a husband (partner) really helps soothe that aching part of us but like you said it is simply not enough. ❀ xx 😦 Hugs!Love you

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    1. I thought you’d connect with this Athina. My parents are in my mind a lot. I dream about them every night lately. Is this your first Christmas without contact with your dad? Goodbyes before your parents die are not things that are often talked about in society, so when they happen we are emotionally unprepared for it. Losing contact with parents is a bereavement. In many ways it’s harder when we know they’re fucking alive. It is unfair πŸ˜”πŸ˜’ The love from a partner or children is lovely, but not a full consolation for what we’ve lost. You’re in my heart this Christmas huni, and I’m sending all my love to you ❀❀❀❀


      1. Last Christmas I was in Greece and visited my Dad’s workplace one last time, to make peace with going no contact…He completely ignored me when I walked in and he barely looked me in the eye..It was the hardest thing I have ever done..Not hug him, not speak to him normally…Since then he decided to make contact for selfish reasons (6 months later) ..No apologies, no empathy or remorse, no accountability..and most recently a complaint of why I am not picking up my phone. (Seriously?!!)..It is an incredibly tough bereavement..I grieved the loss of a healthy mother extensively 2 years ago, so that doesn’t hurt as much anymore..with my Dad it is still very raw…The crazy thing is, people who haven’t experienced abuse or parental estrangement, will never understand how much we love our parents, despite the hurt they inflicted on us… Sending you so much love too sweets…<3 ❀ ❀ We just have to soldier on.. 😦

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