The pressure….where does it come from? looking from side to side
There is no one else to be seen on my left or my right…I think…therefore it has to be coming from me.
I am my own task master.
The pressure source, in this case, originates from deep within my psyche.
I think so anyway….though I’m not fully sure.
I believe (after hours of therapy) that I am driven subconsciously by drivers in my head…significant people…humans that are related to me by blood. Their opinions of me became what mattered….and, more specifically, ‘pleasing them’ became what mattered.
I don’t speak to those blood relatives anymore. I am not in contact with them. They are essentially unreal to me. Blood did NOT prove thicker than water.
I chose to opt for water over blood everytime.
But I guess that although those pressure makers are absent in any objective sense, ie. they are not physically around me- I’ve undoubtedly been affected by those familial “blood donors”…
Thanks donors for your infusion of shitness.
Thank you kindly spoken in sweet as sugar sarcastic voice tone
“But you can stop all that now,” I said.
So they stopped.
The police became involved.
Then it stopped.
All of it.
But I didn’t stop retaining some of the psychological after effects of those traumatic blood transfusions. eg. I have a tendency to be quite self-critical… I also have a tendency towards over-thinking, rumination, and anxiety….I am threat based/threat focused at a brain level, and highly sensitised, emotionally and physiologically, to anything that appears dangerous or ambiguous. I also pressure myself a whole lot…about everything….all of the time.
I’m no ice ice baby.
I’m working on becoming that…but right now I am not feeling great…today I feel under pressure….like these guys….
I’m a stress queen…much less neurotic than I used to be, but nonetheless prone to anxious ruminative thoughts that are mainly centred around letting people down or not being good enough. I don’t like upsetting people. I don’t like making mistakes. I don’t like having to admit “I’m wrong”…but I do these things sometimes.
Sometimes I do this….
And sometimes I want to do this…
And I get scared like this…
But I don’t want to be like that….
I wonder how can I make myself ice ice baby?….a.k.a calm, centred, relaxed, at ease?
I know…I could eat ice pops?!
or….I could wear a packet of frozen peas on my head?!
Or maybe….just maybe I could occasionally give myself a break for not feeling optimally well and optimally fantastic and optimally emotionally bloody brilliant!?!
How’s that for a cracking idea!!
I do have borderline PD.
I do have PTSD.
I am prone to depression.
Those are real actual things…….no matter how much I am trying to embrace a psychologically healthier identity of mental health wellness.
I am allowed to have days that are less good.
I am NOT failing in my recovery if I feel tired and grumpy and unsociable for one fucking day [like today, for example, when I have PMS so it’s the rules that you feel shit on hormonal days].
I think, because I have become accustomed to a much better state of mental health than I used to have, I panic ANYTIME I feel anything less than GREAT…I think omg the bloody illness is coming back….but it isn’t…that is just my anxiety, bringing with it low predictions for my future.
In truth I am still ill, I just fluctuate on how much my illnesses affect my wellbeing and emotional equilibrium and how much I can manage my symptoms.
I am seriously scared to go down in mood again…scared to have a bad day…scared to run out of steam when I feel hypomania dwindling into depression….I’m also scared as fuck every month when PMS hits….PMS is my monthly time of crazy…I feel off balance….”PANIIIIC” she shouts loudly….
….but I need to learn not to panic when I have a [slightly] bad day.
A bad day now would have been considered ‘a good day’ not that long ago, and that is because my goal posts of mood have been dug out and replaced further up the mood field.
I need to always remember that…
I need to quit piling on the excessive pressure onto myself, and enjoy my success…also with permission to have lazy days like today, and flat days like today.
You had the high of the 5k run yesterday summer…it’s not surprising that Auntie Climax has come to visit (see #sharpiesunday post for more from Auntie Climax)
She should have left by tomorrow.
Tomorrow could be very different summer love (speaks the imaginary calming voice I’ve cultivated in my head).
……OK, I’ll try :)
I need to remember how far my goal posts have shifted in such a short time and enjoy that feeling.
It’s ok to have a crappy day after a long run of good ones.
It totally is OK.
I am OK.
You are OK.
I will be OK.
And all of that is OK :)
PHEW (!) xxxxx