I have borderline personality disorder. What that means in layman’s terms is that I feel a hell of a lot, virtually all the time, until I get to a point where I am so oversaturated by the psychedelic hues of varying and changeable emotions that my brain shuts down completely and I feel zero-
Feeling so much is both brilliant and a pain in the arse. Sometimes it both brilliant and a pain in the arse in one day, and sometimes it is either/or…but I am rarely neutral or indifferent about my extreme emotionality.
My emotions make me notice everything. So I will REACT A LOT to a lot of things.
Extreme emotionality and changeability is a full time occupation for me…but the rubbish thing is I don’t remember ever being hired for this bizarre position; there was no job description, person spec. or application form I ever remember filling in to land me in this role for life.
Really it was my dad (and others’) treatment of me during my formative years that signed me up for a lifetime occupation of high emotionality. That is why as I battle my daily demons it is really difficult to forget the causal factors in all of this…THEM.
So, what is life with BPD like?
The marketing people up in the mental health sky could maybe have dressed up this BPD malarkey as an extreme sport perhaps?!……It’s certainly a daily adrenaline rush! and I feel pushed to my absolute limits of tolerance
much ALL of the time….but alas there is nothing much trendy or desirable about BPD.
Bipolar disorder and OCD seem to be the disorders that are de rigour at the moment in terms of TV coverage, magazine articles and books published. Stephen Fry, the president of Mind (a UK mental health charity) is a public figure who has bipolar disorder. He has personally done a lot to raise awareness and public acceptance of what used to be known as manic depression. There are also many OCD centred documentaries, mainly centred around people with obsessions and compulsions centred around cleaning. Quite how representative Stephen Fry and obsessive cleaning programmes are of mental illness is highlu debatable, but at least people have heard of Bipolar and OCD.
What happens if you have a disorder that no one understands?
BPD (borderline personality disorder) or EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder) is just not talked about, anywhere.
It isn’t ‘trendy’. It isn’t ‘cool’. It isn’t ‘glam’. It isn’t something people would want to admit to being diagnosed with. But I’m a blogger, so it seems daft to not mention it……especially as this emotional streak I have is what drove me into writing in the first place. Without the abundance of emotion (requiring expression), I’d probably not want to challenge myself by writing. I’d just watch ‘loose women’ and ‘homes under the hammer’ and ‘judge rinder’ on loop instead and live my life being passively entertained rather than creative and spurred on by heartfelt bursts of feeling.
BPD, in my experience is kinda brilliant AND shit all at the same time……
but mainly shit
How I generally feel is ‘fucked up’ for what of a better phrase.
What is perhaps most freaky about BPD is I struggle to retain any sense of a constant self as my mood states effectively turn me into different people….I mean this both in how I feel and also how I present to others. I don’t have a fixed identity-fluidity and mercurial-ness (if that’s even a word?) defines me.
There is a ‘me’ that I present to the world that is reasonably constant…but I have a wide scope of what is ‘normal’ for me….and that may well be confusing to you as someone who knows me, reads my blog, or is a friend or colleague.
I suppose I am pretty well liked by many people; people who are quite different to one another…and that is because I can be very different dependant on mood, so there is quantitatively a high chance that at least some of the time my personality will suit what you tend to find appealing in a person!
If all of you who read my blog like a particular aspect of me…I will most probably be like that portion of me for say 15/20% of my total living breathing time….so if you just ignore me when I don’t match your optimum friend/blogger template and just selectively notice the times when I’m like how you like me being…then everybody’s happy aren’t they. On balance, you’ll sometimes find something likeable about me.
Think about it……after a mood-correlated personality shift has taken place within me, while I’m currently displeasing you, I will be simultaneously matching another (different) friend’s template of what makes the ideal friend perfectly.
So you like me subtle and gentle? I’ll be like that…sometimes.
So you like me brash and opinionated? I’ll be like that….sometimes.
So you like me sensitive and considerate and reflective? I’ll be like that….sometimes.
So you like me mature and wise and totally profesh? I’ll be like that….sometimes.
So you like me childish and playful and creative and cheeky and funny? I’ll definitely be like that….sometimes.
Do you get the picture?
Some people will like ALL strands of my personality rainbow and be able to adapt to the different versions of summer. Others will just like me when I’m in one distinct mode. That’s fine-it’s all down to preferences….but imagine it from my P.O.V……I am lots of different things to lots to different people. I cut myself into many different segments. I’m like a Terry’s chocolate orange friend!
I like to make lots of people happy.
When I’m in a particular mood I will gravitate towards certain friends as I think they will react well to me in that mood. If I detect a mismatch or sense that you are not likely to be ‘feeling it’…me being a particular way that I’m being right now with you…I’ll leave contacting you for a while until I’m in a state where I match better with your personal energetic/emotional vibe.
But I never know what my moods will do…in what direction they’ll go.
There is no one with a grand mood plan.
My moods just shift rapidly in reaction to life and other people. So friendship can be stressful for you and me……to aim to think and analyse about getting optimum matches with all the different friends I have in the midst of a chaotic mood pattern where my identity feels like it’s shifting and evolving constantly? This is NOT easy.
I’m trying to construct a personality city, on sand, with no foundations. Which is admittedly ridiculous….but not my fault…it’s the BPD bit and BPD is not all there is about me.
Friendship is bloody hard, and because of that sometimes I
want crave NEED to be alone and in isolated seclusion to recover from how demanding it is, and how bloody confusing it is to have a personality that is so loose and fragmented.
I get sick of not knowing who I am.
I get sick of feeling so different all the time.
I get sick of my illness.
I am not always positive, however much I try to be.
I need to find ‘me’ in amongst all of this chaos.
I’d like to be different to how I am. I just don’t know anything different to this.
And that is pretty much how BPD affects me
…..and how I am as a friend with you.
Cor, that was an intense post to write!….
Time for some blanket therapy me thinks xxXxx