BPD-PERSONALITY & FRIENDSHIP

I have borderline personality disorder. What that means in layman’s terms is that I feel a hell of a lot, virtually all the time, until I get to a point where I am so oversaturated by the psychedelic hues of varying and changeable emotions that my brain shuts down completely and I feel zero-

diddly squat-

n.o.t.h.i.n.g

Feeling so much is both brilliant and a pain in the arse. Sometimes it both brilliant and a pain in the arse in one day, and sometimes it is either/or…but I am rarely neutral or indifferent about my extreme emotionality.

My emotions make me notice everything. So I will react a lot to a lot of things.

Extreme emotionality and changeability is a full time occupation for me…but the rubbish thing is I don’t remember ever being hired for this bizarre position….There was no job description, person spec., or application form I ever remember filling in to land me in this role for life.

Really it was my Dad (and others) treatment of me during my formative years that signed me up for a lifetime occupation of emotionality.

 

 

That is why as I battle my daily demons it is really difficult to forget the causal factors in all of this…THEM.

So, what is life with BPD like?

The marketing people up in the mental health sky could maybe have dressed up this BPD malarkey as an extreme sport perhaps?!…it’s certainly a daily adrenaline rush and I feel pushed to my absolute limits of tolerance much ALL of the time….but alas there is nothing much trendy or desirable about BPD.

Bipolar disorder and OCD seem to be the disorders that are de rigour at the moment, in terms of TV coverage, magazine articles and books published etc. Stephen Fry, the president of Mind (a UK mental health charity) is a public figure who has bipolar disorder. He has personally done a lot to raise awareness and public acceptance of what used to be known as manic depression. And there are lots of OCD type documentaries, mainly centred around people with obsessions and compulsions that are usually centred around cleaning. Quite how representative Stephen Fry and obsessive cleaning programmes are of mental illness is debatable, but at least people have heard of Bipolar and OCD.

BPD (borderline personality disorder) or EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder) is just not talked about, anywhere.

It isn’t ‘trendy’. It isn’t ‘cool’. It isn’t ‘glam’. It isn’t something people would want to admit to being diagnosed with.

But I’m a blogger, so it seems daft to not mention it…especially as this emotional streak I have is what drove me into writing in the first place. Without the abundance of emotion requiring expression, I’d probably not want to challenge myself by writing. I’d just watch ‘loose women’ and ‘homes under the hammer’ and ‘judge rinder’ on loop instead, and live my life being passively entertained rather than creative and spurred on by heartfelt feeling.

BPD, in my experience is kinda brilliant AND shit…

but mainly shit

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How I generally feel is so fucked up. What is most freaky about BPD is I struggle to retain any sense of a constant self, as my mood states effectively turn me into different people….I mean this both in how I feel and how I present to others. I don’t have a fixed identity-fluidity and mercurial-ness (if that’s even a word?) defines me.

 

There is a ‘me’ that I present to the world that is reasonably constant…but I have a wide scope of what is ‘normal’ for me….and that may well be confusing to you, as someone who knows me, reads my blog, or is a friend of mine.

I suppose I am pretty well liked by many people who are quite different to one another…and that is because I can be very different dependant on mood, so there is quantitatively a high chance that at least some of the time my personality will suit what you tend to find appealing in a person.

If all of you who read my blog like a particular aspect of me…I will most probably be like that portion of me for say 15/20% of my total living breathing time….so if you just ignore me when I don’t match your optimum friend/blogger template and just selectively notice the times when I’m like how you like me being…then everybody’s happy aren’t they. On balance, you’ll find something likeable about me.

Think about it…after a mood-correlated personality shift has taken place within me, while I’m currently displeasing you, I will be simultaneously matching another (different) friend’s template of what makes the ideal friend perfectly.

So you like me subtle and gentle? I’ll be like that…sometimes.

So you like me brash and opinionated? I’ll be like that….sometimes.

So you like me sensitive and considerate? I’ll be like that….sometimes.

So you like me mature and wise and totally profesh? I’ll be like that….sometimes.

So you like me childish and playful and creative and cheeky and funny? I’ll definitely be like that….sometimes.

Do you get the picture?

Some people will like ALL strands of my personality rainbow and be able to adapt to the different versions of summer. Others will just like me when I’m in one distinct mode. That’s fine-it’s all down to preferences….but imagine it from my P.O.V…I am lots of different things to lots to different people. I cut myself into many different segments. I’m like a Terry’s chocolate orange friend!

 

I like to make lots of people happy.

When I’m in a particular mood I will gravitate towards certain friends as I think they will react well to me in that mood. If I detect a mismatch, or that you are not likely to be ‘feeling it’…me being a particular way that I’m being right now with you…I’ll leave contacting you for a while until I’m in a state where I match better with your personal energetic/emotional vibe.

But I never know what my moods will do…in what direction they’ll go.

There is no one with a grand mood plan.

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My moods just shift in reaction to life and other people. So friendship can be stressful for me and for you… to think and analyse about getting optimum matches with all the different friends I have, in the midst of a chaotic mood pattern where my identity feels like it’s shifting and evolving constantly.

This is NOT easy.

I’m trying to construct a personality city, on sand, with no foundations. Which is admittedly ridiculous….but not my fault…it’s the BPD bit of me’s fault.

 

Friendship is bloody hard, and because of that sometimes I want  crave  NEED to be alone and in isolated seclusion to recover from how demanding it is and how confusing it is to have a personality that is so fragmented.

I get sick of not knowing who I am. I get sick of feeling so different all the time. I get sick of my illness. I am not always positive, however much I try to be. I need to find me in amongst all of this chaos. I’d like to be different to how I am. I just don’t know anything different to this.

And that is how BPD affects me,

…..and how I am with you.

Cor, that was an intense post to write!….

breathe

Time for some blanket therapy me thinks xxXxx

summerSHINES©

 

 

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “BPD-PERSONALITY & FRIENDSHIP

  1. Yes, we are flawed, at least I know I am but there are also strengths even in the mess. I hope one day you may watch the move La La Land there is a scene where the main character is auditioning and she sings a song and there is a line in it about being a human mess. Really we are just a kaleidoscope of characteristics, none of which are totally unique (though we like to think so). <3

  2. That is all really insightful Deborah xx I do think I will never be fully accepted warts and all, as I think my personality is such a confused mess…but what you say is true enough. I’m just quite an insecure and changeable character so I am often in awe why anyone would stick by me. It’s tough being sensitive, or rather you have to be tough to cope with being sensitive lol! XoXo

  3. I think you can love and accept all of yourself, even the parts you label problematic. If you were not emotionally regulated or treated with the necessary empathy and understanding while young you don’t get to build in certain things to your personality and emotions. and then being extra sensitive you are absorbing 500 percent more than others who could relax more as youngsters. Empathy is the only way out. Not excusing bad behaviour but knowing where it comes from. I believe people with BPD never intentionally set out to hurt others, they may act in hurtful ways if their deep hurt has not been understood and processed. I agree with the responder above who said they accept you fully, you might not trust this due to past experience but there are some out there who are capable of it. Hugs xo

  4. Happy tears are good! And even sad ones have a purpose 💖😊 Humans are the only species capable of crying. I don’t know how the animal Kingdom deal with all this without tears! I know their brains are more primitive but it’s actually a good thing to cry….unless you’re wearing mascara that is NOT waterproof. 😂 My emotional disorder means that mascara is a hazard far too risky to attempt … I know it’ll get cried off in five minutes flat 😂 *Hugs*

  5. It may be obvious but a lot of people say it…..like *everyone*! So you’re in good company lol 😊 My older 10 year old is too cool to be seen running with her Mum, so I’m making the most of my youngest daughter while she’s keen and enthusiastic 🙌🙌😊 She’s doing a 2.5k lap of the lake on Saturday with my husband while I do my 5k timed laps 😊 It’s becoming a family affair which is lush 🙌 👪 I love my girls…I’m so proud of them *wipes tear* lol 😁

  6. I was gonna say ‘and there’s my *obvious* comment of the day’, LoL. Aw! I miss those days! Which become less and less with a teen! She wouldn’t run with me to save my life!

  7. Hey! Thanks for your comments…I do write in a very free and easy style which is spontaneous and definitely not crafted. But it’s all straight from my heart 💜

  8. Haha! A lot of people describe her as my mini me 😊 She’s an absolute darling, and when we went jogging together we giggled all the way round the circuit 😂 It’s nice to hear from you on my blog Yay! 💓

  9. I’m glad you liked it huni *squeeze* 😊 I feel conspicuous sometimes as I’m conscious I change a lot and it gets confusing but it helps to write about it and deconstruct it all. My little treasure is my pal 😊 She’s super cute 💓

  10. Thanks Andrew 😊 There are lots of short videos of him on the Mind YouTube channel. Lots of other celebs are associated with it too. I love Stephen Fry. Massive respect for him. I’m glad you liked the post thanks hun 💛

  11. I’ve watched Steven Fry’s mental health documentary’s on tv but I never knew he was President of MIND! (I think he’s a national treasure)

    A fascinating post Summer <3

  12. I would welcome any and all sides of your personality! I could easily adapt to any of them. I don’t believe I have BPD but who the hell knows? LOLOL
    I really enjoyed reading this post. You and your little one are just darling!

CHAT TO ME (I am actually human)

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