I have borderline personality disorder. What that means in layman’s terms is that I feel a hell of a lot, virtually all the time, until I get to a point where I am so oversaturated by the psychedelic hues of varying and changeable emotions that my brain shuts down completely and I feel zero-diddly squat-n.o.t.h.i.n.g
Feeling so much is both brilliant and a pain in the arse (‘pita’ for short). Sometimes it both brilliant and pita in one day, and sometimes it is either/or…but I am rarely neutral or indifferent about my extreme emotionality.
My emotions make me notice everything.
So I will react to things a lot.
Extreme emotionality, impulsivity and changeability is a full time occupation for me…but the crap thing is I don’t remember ever being hired for this bizarre position….There was no job description, person spec, or application form I ever remember filling in to land me in this role for life.
Really it was my Dad (and others) treatment of me during my formative years that signed me up for a lifetime occupation of emotionality.
That is why as I battle my daily demons it is difficult to fully forget the causal factors in all this…them.
So, what is life with BPD like?
The marketing people up in the mental health sky could maybe have dressed up this BPD malarkey as an extreme sport perhaps?!…it’s certainly a daily adrenaline rush and I feel pushed to my absolute limits of tolerance
much ALL of the time….but alas there is nothing much trendy or desirable about BPD.
Bipolar disorder and OCD seem to be the disorders of the moment, in terms of TV coverage, magazine articles and books published etc. Stephen Fry, the president of Mind (a UK mental health charity) is a public figure who has Bipolar disorder. He has personally done a lot to raise awareness and public acceptance of what used to be known as manic depression. And there are lots of OCD type documentaries, mainly centred around people with obsessions and compulsions that are usually centred around cleaning.
But BPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder is just not talked about.
It isn’t ‘trendy’. it isn’t ‘cool’. It isn’t ‘glamorous’. It isn’t something most (sane)people want to admit to being diagnosed with.
But I’m a blogger, so it seems daft to not mention it…especially as this emotional streak I have is what drove me into writing. Without the abundance of emotion requiring expression, I’d probably not want to challenge myself by writing. I’d just watch ‘loose women’ and ‘homes under the hammer’ and ‘judge rinder’ on loop instead, and live my life being passively entertained rather than creative.
BPD, in my experience is kinda brilliant AND shit…
but mainly shit
How I feel is so bloody fucked up. What is freaky about BPD is I struggle to retain any sense of a constant self, as my mood states effectively turn me into different people….I mean this both in how I feel and how I present to others. I don’t have a fixed identity-fluidity and mercurial-ness (if that’s even a word) define me.
There is a ‘me’ that I present to the world that is reasonably constant…but I have a wide scope of what is ‘normal’ for me….and that may well be confusing to you, as someone who knows me, reads my blog, or is a personal friend of mine.
I suppose I am fairly well liked by quite different people…and that is because I can be very different dependant on mood, so there is quantitatively a high chance that at least some of the time my personality will suit what you tend to find appealing in a person.
If all of you who read my blog like a particular aspect of me…I will most probably be like that portion of me for say 15/20% of my total living breathing time….so if you just ignore me when I don’t match your optimum friend/blogger template, and just selectively notice the times when I’m like how you like me being…then everybody’s happy aren’t they.
Think about it…after a mood-correlated personality shift has taken place within me, while I’m currently displeasing you, I will be matching another friend’s template of what makes the ideal friend perfectly.
So you like me subtle and gentle? I’ll be like that…some of the time.
So you like me brash and opinionated? I’ll be like that….some of the time
So you like me sensitive and considerate? I’ll be like that….some of the time.
So you like me mature and wise? I’ll be like that….some of the time.
So you like me childish and playful and creative and cheeky and funny? I promise I’ll be like that….some of the time.
Do you get the picture?
Some people will like ALL strands of my personality rainbow and be able to adapt to the different versions of summer. Others will just like me when I’m in one distinct mode. That’s fine-it’s all down to preferences….but imagine it from my POV…I am lots of different things to lots to different people.
I cut myself into many different segments.
I’m like a Terry’s chocolate orange friend :)
I like to make lots of people happy.
When I’m in a particular mood I will gravitate towards certain friends as I think they will react well to me in that mood. If I detect a mismatch, or that you are not likely to be ‘feeling it’…me being a particular way with you…I’ll leave contacting you for a while until I’m in a state where I match better with your personal energetic/emotional vibe.
But I never know what my moods will do…in what direction they’ll go.
There is no one with a grand mood plan.
My moods just shift in reaction to life and other people.
So friendship can be stressful… to think and analyse about getting optimum matches with all the different friends I have, in the midst of a chaotic mood pattern where my identity feels like it’s shifting and evolving constantly.
This is not easy!
I’m trying to construct a personality city, on sand, with no foundations.
Which is ridiculous….but not my fault…it’s BPD’s fault.
Friendship is bloody hard, and because of that sometimes I
want crave NEED to be alone to recover from how demanding it is and how confused my fragmented identity is.
I get sick of not knowing who I am. I get sick of feeling so different all the damn time. I get sick of my illness, and I am not always positive, however much I try to be. I need to find me in amongst all of this chaos.
I’d like to be different to how I am. I just don’t know anything different to this.
And that is how BPD affects me,
and how I am with you.
Cor, that was an intense post to write….as relaxation for me here are my selfies from the last two days of RED January (run every day)…Today I actually walked for the first time rather than ran. My hips are really sore and achey so I’m listening to my body and relaxing today. Yesterday I went for a village jog with my little girly, who is inspired after seeing me run the 5k and wants to start training with me :) Time for some blanket therapy me thinks xxxxx