Delve into the stream of my consciousness-a tentative toe dipped in the water-H2 OHhhh-biting cold-SHOCK-sharp intake of breath-away-frost bitten from the bottom up, though red emotional centre still very much intact-pulse pulse pulse-heart pumps the blood where the blood needs to go and places the blood need not go-sugarb rush-impulse-always managing those drives-except the driver is in charge of the vehicle of attention-I’m merely a passenger-passenger receiving drives from a messenger-a communicative directional impulse… to do what? yes-we all know what my vice is, but I’m NOT going there-it actually feels like I’m going NOwhere in actual fact-I tell my therapist about my up and down journey of recovery-she draws me a picture of my recovery which was very much like this…
But maybe I’m just too upset to be objective and too busy fighting battles with myself to notice improvements at implementing personality disorder attachment-related corrections-my inner critic is always there waiting to step in with it’s shitty contribution before the rational part of me can get a corrective word in edgeways-someone admit me and incarcerate me in ‘strangeways’-I’m already in a prison-mind created-it’s quite a find-people please be kind-I’m delicate-intricate-a detailed tapestry-my mind sparkles like a multifaceted diamond slash dandeUNSCARYlion-
I’m too clever for my own good-what can I possibly use this gift called “intelligence” for, other that attacking myself with the very highest level of intellectual sophistication-I’m a yoga princess stuck in the ‘down dog’ position-ankles flexed right back to the floor-angry feelings topple out of the top of my head as it hangs upside down-frustrated-a whole week since I was elated-happiness left uncreated-fate ill-fated? need to be mated-sexual interest high-AY! fuck this out of me, pleeeease-fuck this SHIT out of me-this emotion- creating a silent commotion-I’m tired-no way NOT creatively inspired-weary deary-better-when? not now…NEARLY?-it’s a new yearly-2017-livin the fuckin dream-monkey bar traversed then I spring up to the fitness high beam-we’re a TEAM-team R.E.D help me when I’m blue-when I’m so full of hatred I wanna shout out to the world FUCK YOU. Crashed-burned-BUMPS not optional, inevitable-one bump for every year of my life? 35 bumps/crashes/sick of fie fighting-knives slash flesh in my therapy room flashback-trauma stacks up in-don’t work cause of this mental health disability-pay no tax-stick to the facts/FAX-upside down hanging bats-in my writer’s cave-behave? or rebel as I don’t wanna be no slave-I’m a girl who C.R.A.V.Es-an all night rave?-NO-save yourselves-flame breathing dragons chase this fair maiden-I am being’fair’ aren’t I? Must I question myself so much? Must I be this harsh? Changing your personality isn’t as simple as changing the colour of your scarf-I am who I am-I do the best I CAN-when it gets hot in here I reach for my psychological fan. When my warrior wings are spread out you’ll notice my impressive wing span-except my warrior wings are folded up neatly into tiny space saving pieces.
Sorry, but I don’t think I can fly just now-I think I need to perch here some more and get my head back in the warrior game-mental health recovery involves me making my way down many different lanes-at different speeds-reacting to different needs-who knows where these roads will lead?…all I know is there’s something inside so strong-I DO belong-this bad mood is just temporary-a dip in the road to my recovery-don’t worry inner child-this shit’ll not last long.