SO STRONG soc

Delve into the stream of my consciousness-a tentative toe dipped in the water-H2 OHhhh-biting cold-SHOCK-sharp intake of breath-away-frost bitten from the bottom up, though red emotional centre still very much intact-pulse pulse pulse-heart pumps the blood where the blood needs to go and places the blood need not go-sugarb rush-impulse-always managing those drives-except the driver is in charge of the vehicle of attention-I’m merely a passenger-passenger receiving drives from a messenger-a communicative directional impulse… to do what? yes-we all know what my vice is, but I’m NOT going there-it actually feels like I’m going NOwhere in actual fact-I tell my therapist about my up and down journey of recovery-she draws me a picture of my recovery which was very much like this…

I don’t see my progress as like that. I see it as more like this….

But maybe I’m just too upset to be objective and too busy fighting battles with myself to notice improvements at implementing personality disorder attachment-related corrections-my inner critic is always there waiting to step in with it’s shitty contribution before the rational part of me can get a corrective word in edgeways-someone admit me and incarcerate me in ‘strangeways’-I’m already in a prison-mind created-it’s quite a find-people please be kind-I’m delicate-intricate-a detailed tapestry-my mind sparkles like a multifaceted diamond slash dandeUNSCARYlion-

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I’m too clever for my own good-what can I possibly use this gift called “intelligence” for, other that attacking myself with the very highest level of intellectual sophistication-I’m a yoga princess stuck in the ‘down dog’ position-ankles flexed right back to the floor-angry feelings topple out of the top of my head as it hangs upside down-frustrated-a whole week since I was elated-happiness left uncreated-fate ill-fated? need to be mated-sexual interest high-AY! fuck this out of me, pleeeease-fuck this SHIT out of me-this emotion- creating a silent commotion-I’m tired-no way NOT creatively  inspired-weary deary-better-when? not now…NEARLY?-it’s a new yearly-2017-livin the fuckin dream-monkey bar traversed then I spring up to the fitness high beam-we’re a TEAM-team R.E.D help me when I’m blue-when I’m so full of hatred I wanna shout out to the world FUCK YOU. Crashed-burned-BUMPS not optional, inevitable-one bump for every year of my life? 35 bumps/crashes/sick of fie fighting-knives slash flesh in my therapy room flashback-trauma stacks up in-don’t work cause of this mental health disability-pay no tax-stick to the facts/FAX-upside down hanging bats-in my writer’s cave-behave? or rebel as I don’t wanna be no slave-I’m a girl who C.R.A.V.Es-an all night rave?-NO-save yourselves-flame breathing dragons chase this fair maiden-I am being’fair’ aren’t I? Must I question myself so much? Must I be this harsh? Changing your personality isn’t as simple as changing the colour of your scarf-I am who I am-I do the best I CAN-when it gets hot in here I reach for my psychological fan. When my warrior wings are spread out you’ll notice my impressive wing span-except my warrior wings are folded up neatly into tiny space saving pieces.

Sorry, but I don’t think I can fly just now-I think I need to perch here some more and get my head back in the warrior game-mental health recovery involves me making my way down many different lanes-at different speeds-reacting to different needs-who knows where these roads will lead?…all I know is there’s something inside so strong-I DO belong-this bad mood is just temporary-a dip in the road to my recovery-don’t worry inner child-this shit’ll not last long.
xxx

 

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