It is blue Monday-officially the most depressing day of the year apparently….I don’t know who exactly came up with this idea or if there is any truth or basis to this claim…but that’s what I keep hearing on social media today. There are lots of people quite angry at notions of blue Monday…and mental health charities and organisations are making their own statements on this. I won’t go there. I’ll leave it up to the David’s and Goliaths of social media to fight this one out.

Anecdotally, is it blue Monday…for me? Well yeah, it kinda is, but there is good reason for this. It is my mum’s birthday today and we’re estranged from each other, so all in all it’s pretty difficult.

I have felt suffocated a lot of the day by an imaginary oppressive presence bearing down on me. A heavy weight-a psychological load-and many similar metaphors-you get my drift. It’s just not a “fun” day for me. The weather has also been foggy and damp so I can’t say I was living the dream when I was walking the dogs barely being able to see in front of  me, but I was smiling through the fog all the same. I had to smile today-to fake it to make it. My eldest daughter was off school poorly. I didn’t get the solitude I wanted. I didn’t get the peace I wanted. But I did my mum thing like mum’s have to do, no matter your mood, or whether it’s your mum’s birthday [which it is] or whether your husband is away [he sadly is].

There is little wriggle room.

Put up and shut up was the order of the day.

Smile and squeeze oranges for the immunity boosting vitamin C.

Make sure the dogs are exercised twice daily.

Clean that kitchen floor till it glitters.

Post updates on the RED Facebook page to inspire my other friends who are completing this mental health boosting challenge.

Answer emails. Respond to texts. Fetch drinks and snacks. Pet dogs. Fold laundry.

My bloody life-how aspirational is this!?

Today was not aspirational…it was dull, sluggish, taxing, and at times boring. I didn’t get to do the gym sesh I’d planned so no happy endorphins today from that. I did get a lovely message from a young girl who said she had felt really inspired by me and how positive I was in spite of my mental illness.

Sometimes I don’t know how to take messages like that. I probably am perceived in a fairly positive light for the most part. People seem to warm to how I write about things and think how I express myself is relatable. However people who read what I post only see a selective proportion of me.

You see snapshots of my moments of extremes. I usually write when I’m effusive and effervescent and bubbly….or conversely when I am off the scale angry or sad or hurting…but the mundanity of my life is what people miss, and because I don’t wrote about the mundane, people observe me and think mundane just does not apply…when it very much does.

In order to write a blog called summerSHINES, you have to have a particular mindset. If I was to title this blog summer’sDULLLIFE or summerSNOOZES or summerISLACKLUSTREANDVERYPEDESTRIAN would that pull in the punters to click follow?! I very much doubt it LOL!

Social media updates, status’ or even blog posts on wordpress are extremes of something but they fail to capture the sheer boredom of most people’s existence.

I find mental illness a slog and a trek and a uphill climb and an endurance race and sometimes I get very angry at “IT”…this thing called mental illness.

Sometimes I don’t want to be sparky. Sometimes I get irritable. Sometimes I want to break things. Sometimes I want to bang my fists against table tops in a very unrhythmic way.

Frustration at the mundane.

Frustration at the slog.

Frustration at the handicap of having compromised mental health and how hard it make life.

I cannot give more joy out to others while feeling so joyless inside.

People underestimate my distress because I don’t want to come across like I’m unduly distressed [when in reality I really am.]

I certainly am today…it is blue Monday. I don’t have my mum to wish happy birthday too. There will never be another “happy birthday”. She will never bake me a birthday cake again with that icing I used to love. I will never see her or touch her skin again. One day she will be ashes or far underground and my only goodbye will have been the one I’ve already had…in the rain that night…the night…as you walked into that hotel room only to have disappeared the day after.

That is why, for me, it really is a blue Monday.

If this post doesn’t make sense or has typos I’m sorry…tonight, I just don’t care.