This is a post about her, [who is me].
She, [who is me]-has found her voice. She found it some time ago actually, but the positive news of being asked to do the radio interview yesterday is confirmation of my established survivor voice :)
This is a post about being a survivor of sexual abuse and rape, so please take care when reading if you have a similar history… (((trigger warning in a hug)))
I am a survivor of sexual violence.
I am a survivor of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at home from the toddler stage to 15. The emotional abuse continued long after, but the physical and sexual contact stopped at 15. My main abuser was my dad, though I was also physically and sexually abused in a less severe way by my mum. I was violently raped by my much older brother too. That was a one off incident- a spontaneous assault which I was completely unprepared for. There was also ‘the doctor incident’ at the age of 12….so as you can see there was a fair lot of sexual violence there, oh and the organised abuse and involvement in child pornography. Can’t forget that.
After being subjected to lots of sexual violence in my time it is an honour to be invited to publicly speak about my experiences.
Survivors HAVE to find their voice. Not everyone will want to be interviewed on the radio talking about it. Not everyone will want to blog about it either. Many will avoid even telling anyone about what they went though.
That is what is means to be voiceless-to keep quiet-but what is being done here is you are keeping your attacker/abuser’s secret for them, to benefit them :(
Is that really fair on you?
Why must we keep the secrets of the abuser or sexual assaulter?
Why must we protect them? They are the perpetrators. The guilty ones. The immoral ones. On second thoughts, ‘ones’ is too polite a term to describe them with…
Would pond scum be more appropriate to insert here?
Yes, the pond scum cowards.
The supposed humans (men or women) who yield an internal sense of power by imposing themselves on you sexually-non consensually violating your body; leading you to feel toxic shame that lingers years and years after the event has happened.
Toxic shame used to drip all over me.
My shame-o-meter now registers at a much lower decibel. The toxic shame is still there, but it is far less.
It only became less because of the psychological treatment I’ve received which is working wonders. I still have problems, and I very much still have bad days…but I am doing so much better. I can see that and my psychologist can see that too. I spoke with my psychologist on the phone this morning. I told her about the social media body shame experience. She told me I hadn’t reacted in a mentally ill way, but actually in quite a normal way. WOWZERS! Who knew! She said I need not think all of my reactions to life are because of my BPD and complex-PTSD…sometimes they are just “reactions” and it is ok to self-validate them as such.
That certainly helps reduce my previously lingering shame.
She said I was becoming far more insightful and able to regulate how I respond to things quicker. I got praise YAY! I like psychological praise :)
I am stepping into an identity of someone who is increasingly less defined by her past [in a negative sense].
I am an empowered survivor…happy to talk about my experiences of being a victim of sexual violence on the radio.
That makes me feel pretty shamazingly proud!!!
This is my voice-this is what I want to do-this is the mark I want to make on the world-to talk publicly [and write publicly] about my experiences of childhood sexual abuse, rape, BPD, complex-PTSD and SRA.
Not all victims have found their voice yet. It might take years. For some unfortunate souls they never find their voice. They remain silent forever. They take this stuff to their graves.
I cannot influence them…but I can do ‘my thing’ with pride. It starts with us as individuals, doing our thing, finding our voice…and who knows what positive ripple effects that will have on others?
Also delightfully I imagine perpetrators of sexual abuse/rape listening to the interview when it’s aired and my words making them feel small, stupid, exposed, ashamed, crushed-guilty??? They deserve a dose back of the shame we have carried all this time.
I take great pleasure in that… grins like a satisfied cheshire cat
and finally, a message to the satanic types who I know are trying to follow this blog and I keep removing you- you won’t defeat me or silence my SRA survivor voice. You’re messing with the wrong person…. I’m intelligent, articulate, street smart, ballsy, credible, and I WILL expose you. Just watch me.
I have my voice and I WILL speak about what you did without shame or fear.
You heard it here first…NOTHING, absolutely nothing, will silence HER VOICE.