HER VOICE

This is a post about her, [who is me].

She, [who is me]-has found her voice. She found it some time ago actually, but the positive news of being asked to do the radio interview yesterday is confirmation of my established survivor voice :)

This is a post about being a survivor of sexual abuse and rape, so please take care when reading if you have a similar history… (((trigger warning in a hug)))

I am a survivor of sexual violence.

I am a survivor of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at home from the toddler stage to 15. The emotional abuse continued long after, but the physical and sexual contact stopped at 15. My main abuser was my dad, though I was also physically and sexually abused in a less severe way by my mum. I was violently raped by my much older brother too. That was a one off incident- a spontaneous assault which I was completely unprepared for. There was also ‘the doctor incident’ at the age of 12….so as you can see there was a fair lot of sexual violence there, oh and the organised abuse and involvement in child pornography. Can’t forget that.

After being subjected to lots of sexual violence in my time it is an honour to be invited to publicly speak about my experiences.

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Survivors HAVE to find their voice. Not everyone will want to be interviewed on the radio talking about it. Not everyone will want to blog about it either. Many will avoid even telling anyone about what they went though.

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That is what is means to be voiceless-to keep quiet-but what is being done here is you are keeping your attacker/abuser’s secret for them, to benefit them :(

Is that really fair on you?

Why must we keep the secrets of the abuser or sexual assaulter?

Why must we protect them? They are the perpetrators. The guilty ones. The immoral ones. On second thoughts, ‘ones’ is too polite a term to describe them with…

Would pond scum be more appropriate to insert here?

Yes, the pond scum cowards.

The supposed humans (men or women) who yield an internal sense of power by imposing themselves on you sexually-non consensually violating your body; leading you to feel toxic shame that lingers years and years after the event has happened.

Toxic shame used to drip all over me.

My shame-o-meter now registers at a much lower decibel. The toxic shame is still there, but it is far less.

It only became less because of the psychological treatment I’ve received which is working wonders. I still have problems, and I very much still have bad days…but I am doing so much better. I can see that and my psychologist can see that too. I spoke with my psychologist on the phone this morning. I told her about the social media body shame experience. She told me I hadn’t reacted in a mentally ill way, but actually in quite a normal way. WOWZERS! Who knew! She said I need not think all of my reactions to life are because of my BPD and complex-PTSD…sometimes they are just “reactions” and it is ok to self-validate them as such.

That certainly helps reduce my previously lingering shame.

She said I was becoming far more insightful and able to regulate how I respond to things quicker. I got praise YAY! I like psychological praise :)

I am stepping into an identity of someone who is increasingly less defined by her past [in a negative sense].

I am an empowered survivor…happy to talk about my experiences of being a victim of sexual violence on the radio.

That makes me feel pretty shamazingly proud!!!

This is my voice-this is what I want to do-this is the mark I want to make on the world-to talk publicly [and write publicly] about my experiences of childhood sexual abuse, rape, BPD, complex-PTSD and SRA.

Not all victims have found their voice yet. It might take years. For some unfortunate souls they never find their voice. They remain silent forever. They take this stuff to their graves.

I cannot influence them…but I can do ‘my thing’ with pride. It starts with us as individuals, doing our thing, finding our voice…and who knows what positive ripple effects that will have on others?

Also delightfully I imagine perpetrators of sexual abuse/rape listening to the interview when it’s aired and my words making them feel small, stupid, exposed, ashamed, crushed-guilty??? They deserve a dose back of the shame we have carried all this time.

I take great pleasure in that… grins like a satisfied cheshire cat

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and finally, a message to the satanic types who I know are trying to follow this blog and I keep removing you- you won’t defeat me or silence my SRA survivor voice. You’re messing with the wrong person…. I’m intelligent, articulate, street smart, ballsy, credible, and I WILL expose you. Just watch me. 

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I have my voice and I WILL speak about what you did without shame or fear.

You heard it here first…NOTHING, absolutely nothing, will silence HER VOICE.

:)

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37 thoughts on “HER VOICE

  1. That’s a lovely comment thank you :) It makes blogging worthwhile :) I’m sorry you’ve suffered sexual abuse too :( I hope you will find your confident survivor voice πŸ‘

  2. πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™
    Rock the show. If possible, try posting a audio recording of the whole event.

    You’re incredibly brave. You’ll do wonders for humanity.

  3. Stay strong! I’ve been sexually abused as well, by my best friend. Who was a GIRL.
    You are an inspiration to me and I love your posts. Keep that voice loud and proud!

  4. This is incredible! So proud of you! You are so brave! I am in Greece at the moment and its tough..We are selling all our belongings in the summer flat we have here, so I am no longer linked to my Dad..The flat is in his name and although we don’t speak and continue to use the flat as we have access and pay all the bills, it’s time we moved on…I look forward to hearing the interview hun! xx

  5. Lol! You are giving out a distinctly different energy you know that? I’ve sensed a change in you :) and the smiles in capital letters are a definite indicator of that positive change too! Haha :)

  6. You are welcome! You are my mentor in the Badassery department stlylistically and otherwise ({{ SMILES!!! }})

  7. YES! use that gorgeous voice, brain, heart and soul to tell it like it is. If people don’t want to hear the gory details. Screw them. Never lose your voice. xxxx <3 ya loads

  8. So proud of you lovely well done, keep on shining as you are. As for those people following with not good intentions put up an imaginary mirror around you to reflect their intentions back at them! You are fabulous xxx

  9. Big, Big Outrageously YUGE Heart Smiles here!!! I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of you and HAPPY for you! Not only for the interview but espescially for the accolades from the psychologist. YAYY, You go Girl! Three Cheers for Mental Health! OH, And Hey, let me add to what Paul said, interview-> national interview-> Telivision -> TA Da! DOCUMENTARY, (with that famous bloke) So to rap it up, I am Happpy, Happpy, Happpy foy you! And tell Paul I would be happy to form an SRA Swat team with him to deal with the dogbreath pond scum sucking dirtbags. πŸ’žπŸ’˜β€πŸ’“πŸ’–πŸ’—πŸ’™πŸ’šπŸ’›πŸ’œπŸ’ŸπŸ˜†πŸ˜™πŸ˜šπŸ˜˜ Barney

  10. I am really proud. I see how far I’ve come…:) but I know this is just the beginning for me. I have a hopeful and positive outlook on my future. The past still gets to me, but I know the future is what I make it :)

  11. National radio and then ultimately TV. You’ll get there. You’re too tenacious not to.
    I think you should link me to their profiles so I can slander their fucking arses and screenshot what they post to share with the world xxx

  12. You have every right to feel proud of yourself. Stepping out of the shadows and telling the world that this shit happens is so brave, but so necessary. I’m delighted that you aren’t letting them get away with their reprehensible actions xxx

  13. Love your support hun. It is really nice to have people like you cheering me on from the sidelines :) I feel empowered and really proud of my little self :) X

  14. There’s literally nothing I can add here that hasn’t already been said throughout. These motherfuckers deserve to be outed and shamed then hung out to dry, preferably with people hurling big pieces of flaming ash at them with slingshots. I’d be stood just behind those of you who suffered at their hand.I definitely wouldn’t try to get a shot in before any of you guys could xxx

CHAT TO ME (I am actually human)

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