WHY, ABUSER?

Tw. I discuss some very difficult themes here including child abuse and suicide.
‘Why’ is probably one of the most important words in the English language. Without being able to be ask why, nobody would ever learn anything. Children wouldn’t learn about their environment and how the universe works without the question contained within a single three letter word, “why”

Why is the sky blue?

Why am I here?

Why can’t I have chocolate?

A socially inappropriate use of the word ‘why’ could be (off the top of my head)….

Q.Would you like to meet up for drinks with me after work? 

A.Why?

Meaning no bloody chance do you have with that hottie that you wanna shag! (Why would I wanna meet for afterwork drinks with you of all people??!)

A wholly appropriate use of the word why, but one where honest answers are very rarely given would be….

“WHY the fuck did you abuse me?” said to your childhood abuser.

I’ve asked that question to him in countless letters and never got an answer…so I had to decide to stop trying for an answer.

I gave up asking why. 

I stopped contact.

All childhood abuse victims get to that point eventually. You have to for your own sanity. You have to stop asking why and expecting a truthful answer.

To get an admission of guilt from someone who abused you is so unlikely I’ve never heard of it. 

And to get an admission of guilt and a full and frank explanation of WHY they ever abused you to begin with is surely impossible?! If anyone reading has has this experience please correct me, but I know of liyerally NO ONE out of my very large circle of PTSD abuse/rape surviving friends who ever got an explanation of WHY by their perpetrator.

Why the hell does this important question never get answered?

This question of all questions.

And why as survivors do we even want to know ‘why’?

Tonight the ‘why’ question is all I can think about.  Why…and also how.

“How could you?”

“How the hell could you?”

“How the fucking hell could you have done this to me?”

“Why the fuck did you inflict that on me?”

Why why why? How?… What?

That is the confusion of coming to terms with your abuse history. You won’t get your questions answered…very much like someone who is bereaved by suicide. You can’t have that last conversation with that person saying why?…what went wrong? Why now? Why did you hurt me like this by leaving me behind? How did it feel when you died.

A person bereaved by suicide however is different to an abuse survivort as hey are physically incapable of asking the why questions, except at a graveside maybe. But you won’t get an answer.

:( 

But an abuser. They most likely will still be alive to ask ‘why’ to. 

Asking someone who is alive to get your questions asked and that courtesy to be refused is so frustrating like you wouldn’t believe.

They CAN answer you. But they don’t and they won’t.

Not only ‘why did you do it’ you wanna ask, but why didn’t you love me like you were supposed to? 

This is most pertinent in cases of incest abuse. 

That is what happened to me. Well some of it was family anyway.

Dad, why?

Why didn’t you love me?

Why did you cause harm?

Why did you expose me to other paedophiles?

Why didn’t you stop sooner?

Why.

Fucking why, dad?

And why to my brothers and my mother too…

I’ll never get an answer.

He’ll die.

They’ll all die.

I wonder if when he dies I’ll receive a letter in his belongings with a confession. One that he can’t get into trouble over as he will be dead. 

?

A letter with an explanation?

?

Maybe one from my mum?

I live in hope. But I can’t pin my healing on that coming true.

I just wish he’d die.

Thats the honest truth.

I want my mum to go too.

I often want to die myself. Suicidal ideation is part of my MH condition.

It’s a bitch, wanting to die yet trying to shine.

I do want death. Tonight I mean.

I didn’t earlier on today.

Maybe I won’t tomorrow.

But right now,  death would be nice…but I cant do it can I. Because I’d just be creating a situation where a widowed husband and two girls who love me and need me would be asking at my graveside ‘WHY’.

:(

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24 thoughts on “WHY, ABUSER?

  1. Thanks Andrew 😊 I’ve had another difficult day with therapy so I’m hiding out a bit offline. Ideation is pants and im still experiencing it πŸ˜”

  2. Love what you said here, especially as your blog is one of my new favourites (not brown nosing, I actually mean it 😊😊😊) I have never heard of that ‘the keyboard is your weapon’ phrase before and that really connects with me. That could become one of my new mantras along with ‘I am unfuckwithable’ and ‘go forth and radiate badassery’ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ haha. I love to express my thoughts in writing…that is my superpower, and as I was talking about with my psychologist today, this is the only avenue for me to reclaim any sense of power and purpose after a really shitty beginning in life. I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar yourself πŸ˜” The healing road is a difficult road to travel along, I know how bloody hard it is, and I’ve met so many survivors on wordpress who struggle against very similar issues. I went to a shamazing conference on sexual abuse by Carolyn Spring who is a fabulous author and it was fab…I learned so much and I’m going to write some posts on the content of what I learned as I wanna share it in the hope it’ll help educate and support people….Blimey this is turning into a long comment πŸ˜‚ Before I go, I feel an affinity with you because (I think) you live roughly in an area where I grew up (Cheshire, as you mentioned tatton park) and the more I’ve learned about Cheshire since moving away from there it seems like it certainly to be a hot spot for paedophiles and sexual violence. Absolutely shocking. Not the idyllic rural commuter belt area I always was brainwashed to believe it was. I feel for you, I really do, and if you wanna email my address is summerstartstoshine@yahoo.com (thought I won’t be offended if you don’t, as I struggle myself with trusting relative strangers on the interweb!) Shine on sister x 😊

  3. Have spent almost 30yrs asking why. The keyboard is your weapon! What you write about is important and bloody useful. Hoping today is better than yesterday. Keep shining. X

  4. Ideation is and always has been part of me, I have no one :) which is fine but you have three souls who need you and love you dearly, I’m pleased you keep striving to beat this, shines through your writing :)

  5. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had those damn answers to why? I ask myself that every single day why and how but you’re right we will never get that answer. All of my abusers are dead, they died before I ever got the chance to ask them why or how. It sucks.

  6. I think that’s a very accurate assessment Liz. The world is quite dim, you’re right there. I’ll try and be a lighthouse for people πŸ’›πŸ’›

  7. I’m sorry that you understand by experience Gabe :( I have done a lot of previous writing on this subject that I’ve deleted as I try and divert around these topics…but sometimes I *have* to write.

  8. Arrrggg. I really feel you. Hate that I understand so well where you’re coming from. I, like you, eventually learned that the answers we discover for ourselves are often more meaningful than this given by the ones that hurt us so much.

    Keep writing. I’ll keep reading.

  9. (Hugs) You’re so strong.

    This is a good eye opening post. The only answer I could think of was that they are selfish, greedy, lustful, and weak. They think only about themselves and not the consequences of their actions to other people. I’m not sure any of them would admit to that.

    Keep shining your light, Summer. This dim world needs people like you.

    Sending love your way. <3

  10. This post made me think of the causality speech by The Merovingian in The Matrix Reloaded where he talks about “why” being the only source of power and that without it you are powerless. It’s true. Without “why” you don’t have the answers to anything. You don’t have any power. You want the “why” from your abusers so you can get some of that power that you feel you’re lacking. They will likely never give you that “why” because that will mean transferring the power of that “why” over to you, rendering them powerless and you empowered. That totally negates the psyche of an abuser who is all about having power.

    Thank you for getting me thinking. Not that it’s a rare occurrence for you to do so xxx

  11. I know the feeling all too well. I wrote a page on sexual abuse followed by a suggestion of meditation if your interested. Thank you for sharing that

  12. Sadly, there are some why’s in life that will never get answered. So sorry are hurting right now. I hope the feeling lifts soon for you.

CHAT TO ME (I am actually human)

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