Tw. I discuss some very difficult themes here including child abuse and suicide.
‘Why’ is probably one of the most important words in the English language. Without being able to be ask why, nobody would ever learn anything. Children wouldn’t learn about their environment and how the universe works without the question contained within a single three letter word, “why”

Why is the sky blue?

Why am I here?

Why can’t I have chocolate?

A socially inappropriate use of the word ‘why’ could be (off the top of my head)….

Q.Would you like to meet up for drinks with me after work? 

A.Why?

Meaning no bloody chance do you have with that hottie that you wanna shag! (Why would I wanna meet for afterwork drinks with you of all people??!)

A wholly appropriate use of the word why, but one where honest answers are very rarely given would be….

“WHY the fuck did you abuse me?” said to your childhood abuser.

I’ve asked that question to him in countless letters and never got an answer…so I had to decide to stop trying for an answer.

I gave up asking why. 

I stopped contact.

All childhood abuse victims get to that point eventually. You have to for your own sanity. You have to stop asking why and expecting a truthful answer.

To get an admission of guilt from someone who abused you is so unlikely I’ve never heard of it. 

And to get an admission of guilt and a full and frank explanation of WHY they ever abused you to begin with is surely impossible?! If anyone reading has has this experience please correct me, but I know of liyerally NO ONE out of my very large circle of PTSD abuse/rape surviving friends who ever got an explanation of WHY by their perpetrator.

Why the hell does this important question never get answered?

This question of all questions.

And why as survivors do we even want to know ‘why’?

Tonight the ‘why’ question is all I can think about.  Why…and also how.

“How could you?”

“How the hell could you?”

“How the fucking hell could you have done this to me?”

“Why the fuck did you inflict that on me?”

Why why why? How?… What?

That is the confusion of coming to terms with your abuse history. You won’t get your questions answered…very much like someone who is bereaved by suicide. You can’t have that last conversation with that person saying why?…what went wrong? Why now? Why did you hurt me like this by leaving me behind? How did it feel when you died.

A person bereaved by suicide however is different to an abuse survivort as hey are physically incapable of asking the why questions, except at a graveside maybe. But you won’t get an answer.

:( 

But an abuser. They most likely will still be alive to ask ‘why’ to. 

Asking someone who is alive to get your questions asked and that courtesy to be refused is so frustrating like you wouldn’t believe.

They CAN answer you. But they don’t and they won’t.

Not only ‘why did you do it’ you wanna ask, but why didn’t you love me like you were supposed to? 

This is most pertinent in cases of incest abuse. 

That is what happened to me. Well some of it was family anyway.

Dad, why?

Why didn’t you love me?

Why did you cause harm?

Why did you expose me to other paedophiles?

Why didn’t you stop sooner?

Why.

Fucking why, dad?

And why to my brothers and my mother too…

I’ll never get an answer.

He’ll die.

They’ll all die.

I wonder if when he dies I’ll receive a letter in his belongings with a confession. One that he can’t get into trouble over as he will be dead. 

?

A letter with an explanation?

?

Maybe one from my mum?

I live in hope. But I can’t pin my healing on that coming true.

I just wish he’d die.

Thats the honest truth.

I want my mum to go too.

I often want to die myself. Suicidal ideation is part of my MH condition.

It’s a bitch, wanting to die yet trying to shine.

I do want death. Tonight I mean.

I didn’t earlier on today.

Maybe I won’t tomorrow.

But right now,  death would be nice…but I cant do it can I. Because I’d just be creating a situation where a widowed husband and two girls who love me and need me would be asking at my graveside ‘WHY’.

:(

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