Good evening world/oyster/pearl/wisdom…here is a sharpie scrawl to kick this post off…
I’ve been busy :)
I am shattered, exhausted, drained out, and any other similar description of a very tired person. Why? Because I’ve completed the first blitz of my article on mental health for the magazine.
Absolutely everything I have goes from my heart via my fingers, into those laptop keys. Every word matters, because when I write in a generalised example type way, I am having to mentally pull together an accumulation of months/years worth of experience, not to mention a whole bunch of vivid moments, in order to accurately do my life experiences full justice.
Writers are crafters and sculpters. If you are writing an article to be approved by a journalist, it is very different to blogging. I have to decide what to include and what to leave out, what to emphasise and what to self-edit and banish out. I am sometimes having to censor my rawness which is usually fairly unrestrained on summerSHINES, and learn to consider and respect my audience. They happen to be an audience of intelligent healthcare professionals, who will nonetheless have a very varied grasp and personal understanding of the facts relating to the specific mental health disorders I’m writing about.
This puts pressure on-but I enjoy the challenge of it and await feedback, which is always a tad awkward isn’t it.
My brain is also exceptionally busy with discussions with clever people about media work and what it might entail, both practically and emotionally. It is bloody fab, but also quite intense-there is LOTS of newness to assimilate. I’m not complaining though-I feel AWESOME!
Mental health wise, I think I’m actually demonstrating considerable BADASSERY and inner strength makes fist to reveal an imaginary and impressive display of arm muscle
I am strong. THIS GIRL CAN. Loop the bloody loop!
I am GENUINELY proud as punch that I’m even trying these things. I could have said no to the article. I could have said no to the radio interview and all the other terribly exciting stuff in the pipeline. But I’m someone who is currently choosing to say YES to new opportunities, with a safe assurance that if my feelings change and my current badassery lapses that I am then perfectly able to say NO and call a halt to it.
Assertiveness is important when you’re navigating through an uncertain world with uncertain people. At the end of the day, all any of us are left with in life is ourself, so building a strong sense of self is the foundation for anything solid and positive and enriching in life. That is what therapy is largely about for me-with my psychologist’s help building a new improved version of Summer who is more resilient and able to deal to with craziness of living.
I am currently in the midst of the rebuilding mission of myself. The breakdown was long, so the rebuild is also long, much like you’d expect.
If you were in the situation where your life crumbled down to nothing, where else is there to start the rebuild other than the foundation?
I am building myself up brick by shiny brick.
If you feel motivated and inspired by this, then great…this is what I want. I want you to witness me starting to shine brighter, and realise that, with work, you can shine too :)
As I said though in yesterday’s post-you have to sweat to shine. Today I’ve sweated, in the sense that I’ve worked hard on planning, thinking, writing and communicating. I’ve also sweated in terms of working to manage my anxiety symptoms, which have noticeably ramped up a notch since life got busier and I began getting more attention and contact from new people, especially people from DUN DUN DUHHHH London. [Londoners scare me as they are totes ‘Londonish’, although my best friend lives in London and another close friend grew up there and neither of them are scary…so maybe I have to revise my irrational phobia of Londoners] ;)
I want people with PTSD/BPD (and any mental health condition for that matter), to have the confidence to believe that they can not just survive, but THRIVE.
Shining/thriving/achieving/self-actualising/growing/evolving…whatever you want to call it, is hard graft. It is NOT easy. Shining doesn’t come to you. You have to attract the shine in. You have to actively create circumstances where your shining potential is at its maximum level of probability, and opportunities for the right people to notice your shininess.
Without the Mind blog (which was only published last Friday), I would not have got four fab offers of various amazing stuff to sink my teeth into.
Whatever feedback I get about my article, I won’t let it affect my sense of self. That needs to remain solid. That’s my foundation for everything. Everything rests on me being able to maintain my solid foundation, in the circumstances of a life that is becoming more demanding (because I am making it so).
I want to make life hard….that’s a weird thing to say isn’t it…but I mean it. Because in my view, the most personally gratifying things are invariably the ones that were hardest to attain.
When I was asked what my biggest achievement was, I said STAYING ALIVE. That is what I’ve fought for. Staying alive was not easy.
Equally, for me, stepping into the spotlight of the media with my writing and potential interviews is hard. It takes tremendous guts which can’t be underestimated.
Not everyone can step up to the plate, but I’m trying to because I have a profound and certain belief that I’ll get there.
One day you will see summerSHINES on Holly and Phil’s sofa on This Morning! Promise ;)
You heard it here now.
This girl has a lot of potential to shine!