I have two choices in this blog. I can either use it as an advertisement for me and just show the best and shiniest aspects-or I can be honest and share with you my personal gremlins in a confessional way.
We all have psychological gremlins in our system. To put it in an unsubtle way psychological gremlins are absolute bastards which stubbornly persist and linger. Even with long-term therapy I still have two gremlins left.
First off, I have a gremlin of perfectionism, which I always throw a weighted blanket over at the first sight of his appearance to muffle his wellbeing-crushing nonsense. He’s a male gremlin. That gremlin was passed onto me by my dad.
My other gremlin is the self-doubt one, who is a lady gremlin. That gremlin was passed onto me by my mother. The self-doubt gremlin transforms tiny suspicions of negative evaluation into HUMONGOUS negative sweeping generalisations about my widespread ineffectiveness and human incompetence! That is NOT a nice thing when it happens.
Perfectionism is a way to minimise chances of any criticism or social disproval by being thoroughly fucking EXCELLENT at every fucking thing possible.
If I was a guy I’d say “perfectionism is a ball ache”, but I’m not. I’m a posh-ish british housewife, so I’ll say perfectionism is “a load of utter tosh”.
And self-doubt, well that is rubbish too. Tiny grains of self-doubt can be utterly catastrophized into overshadowing fear and dread and acidic dripping self-directed shame.
Why am I writing about self-doubt? well because I am working hard to keep these gremlins at bay just lately, so thought I’d write myself some anti-self doubting propaganda.
.. Stuff to read when I feel self-doubting to make those gremlins shrivel up.
I keep saying to myself and to my therapist “mindset is everything”….so it’s time to give my mindset a little polish and clean the gremlins away with some positive propaganda.
*knuckles- bish bash bosh BOOM*
The self-doubt is arising from my first baby steps taken into the media world.
Today I had feedback from a very lovely journalist on my article, and also did my first interview with an also lovely student journalist for the wireless (RADIO for the younger gen.) I haven’t had contact with any journalist type people till the last few days so it’ll all new to me.
My basic story has been “person has breakdown, person blogs about breakdown, person gets better from breakdown…then blogs more about how she got over breakdown, then finally secures media interest when writes for mental health charity Mind, about how she felt during breakdown and how she’s got over her breakdown”. That’s basically it.
So having not long felt well, the media bits and pieces are a stretch for me…a bloody ace and rewarding stretch, but a stretch nonetheless. I need to develop a new set of coping responses for situations I’ve never been exposed to before. My focus is now not about how to get through the day without flashbacks and with minimal anxiety and depression…it is now questions such as ‘HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY ARTICLE BEING CUT SIGNIFICANTLY IN LENGTH WITHOUT BEING DISAPPOINTED THAT SOME OF THE BITS I’M MOST PASSIONATE AND PROUDEST OF HAVE BEEN EDITED OUT’? or, ‘HOW DO I DEAL WITH PROVIDING ANSWERS IN A RECORDED INTERVIEW WITHOUT PARANOIA THAT ALL MY ANSWERS ARE UTTERLY PANTS?’
So this is the new evidence-based propaganda I will tell myself.
I simply cannot be a pants writer as a prof. journalist says I “MUST persist with my writing aspirations” that I “have an evident talent” and that they will “bear me in mind for future mental health articles”…also that they “would have liked to include all of it, but cannot because of space constraints”. That is fair enough. At no point was I told I am a pants writer, therefore I mustn’t actually be a pants writer. Crazy but true :) Also in my year of blogging no-one has ever critiqued my writing, but more often that not praised it. The only thing I’ve been pulled up on is excessive swearing and dropping of F-bombs, but I’ve corrected that and am now swearing with a bit less regularity.
With the radio interview, it was one which I knew was going to be edited (fortunately) and was part of a student project by a final-year journalism student. Because I knew in advance it could be edited down I felt relaxed with the interviewer and was awarded quite a bit of latitude to mess up (which I most definitely would not have got with a live equivalent). So it was a great interview to ease myself into the whole concept of me being interviewed and the bonkers idea that an audio of me speaking words could be broadcasted and shared! It’s pretty hilarious when you think about it-me, on the wireless ;) Not many will hear the programme, but that’s not the point. It’s a start. It’s all new. Many people wouldn’t even entertain the idea of being interviewed on for a radio segment so I did good to even try :) I’m proud. It won’t be the best interview, but I did one! Woop!
I feel a combo of phew and wowzers,
so I’ll say PHEWZERS.
News just in-I am also going to apply for a job I’ve seen advertised as a professional writer all very HUSH HUSH….and it will be a job that MANY apply for, so the chances of me landing it are absolutely MINISCULE, but I’m going to apply anyway because I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT THIS JOB and I think I’m capable. I want to be paid for my writing, and believe my writing (and time) is worthy of payment, therefore this is what I intend to actively pursue from now on.
The future is set.
For me to make a success of this though I have to abandon the self-doubt and perfectionism, and embrace the uncertainty and lack of control of putting my work forward for judgement, editing and rejection. Since no one has ever said I’m a crap writer/speaker and many have said I’m a good writer/speaker, I will choose to listen to the objective reassurance I’ve already had, rather than the unwanted conditioning I inherited from parental figures who transmitted self-limiting messages into my psyche.
Enough of all that bullshit.
Shit, I swore ;)
Self-doubt and perfectionism, you are no longer welcome in the building.
…And that’s what I call positive propaganda :)
showing self-doubt the door as we speak