I started feeling sad about my upcoming psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. I thought I’d doodle my feelings…and have decided I’ll share this with her when I see her, as I think she has enough of a sense of humour to appreciate it, plus it’s kind of an apology from me to her.
I have not been an easy patient. Intelligent control-orientated people with trust issues and a wealth of psychological insight but obvious psychological problems are a tricky combo!
She described me as “slippery” on the second appointment due to the skillful way I evaded all her questions. I am not longer evasive with her. That was very much a short-term thing. My strategy since then has been share absolutely every thought or feeling that goes through my head with her unfiltered and raw. I have hidden nothing-not even my (however fleeting very thinly veiled) contempt for her. The poor lady has received ear fulls of passionate emotion driven statements and declarations about her utter incompetence as a psychiatrist, even though she is actually the opposite of incompetant. She is very good at her role! and I have a lot of (well hidden) respect for her. All I think in hindsight is “that poor lady.”
I’ve put her through lots of stuff I should never have put her through. In my defence I was ill…she knows that, and as she kept reassuring me, she’s “heard worse” I still wish though to end all the prior conflict though and call a truce, ending (of it is to end) on a high.
She has helped me so much. She has said things that have touched my heart. She has said the exact right things at the exact right times which have made my despair more tolerable. I owe her a lot. I have thanked her in previous sessions, but on Tuesday I’ll make sure I thank her again. That’s the least I can do.
If Tuesdays appointment is the last one then I’ll be sad 😦 …but I know all relationships are impermenant, especially clinical ones.
Introducing my psychiatrist…Dr Cautious…
I await Tuesday’s appointment with trepidation. I just don’t like goodbyes and endings, especially people who have been so instrumental in my mental health care.
Dr Cautious. Thank you.