A sharpie offering…explaining how it feels to be a harassed mum in the school holidays….In my summerSHINES world anyway…

Tomorrow is day nine. The last day. On Monday my life will become safe-routine-ordered-planned-controlled-ok-zen-calm.

When I was childless I never ever appreciated my ability to control my stimulation and socialisation levels. I took it for granted. The overstimulation of parenting and emotional taxes of it are far harder than I ever imagined they would be. 

I thought parenting two girls would be like a princess fairytale. 

It will be…once they go to bed and I can enjoy some hours of peace to restore me for the next sensory onslaught tomorrow.
On Monday morning I will probably cry with relief when I drop them at school. I actually mean that…I don’t say things on my blog I don’t mean. In order for me to keep well I require certain conditions…unfortunately many of the things that keep me well are unintentionally scuppered by my children…who are just ‘being children’. They are not doing anything wrong so I am never angry with them. 

But neither am I wrong for expressing how difficult I find parenting during school holidays when I have chronic illness.

If my chronic illness was physical it would be easier to express my feelings around this. But my illness is invisible. Some people still don’t believe mental illness is real!

It is very real…and I write this with tears in my eyes.

I LOVE my children so much. But I don’t love how I feel when I am with them 24-7 with a constant soundtrack of noise and PTSD aggrevating movement.

Noise hurts. 

Unpredictable movement startles me.

Touch causes panic. 

I am so bloody desperate to feel calm. Nobody told me it would be this hard :(