4 SHADES OF GREEN

4 SHADES OF GREEN

A sharpie offering…explaining how it feels to be a harassed mum in the school holidays….In my summerSHINES world anyway…

Tomorrow is day nine. The last day. On Monday my life will become safe-routine-ordered-planned-controlled-ok-zen-calm.

When I was childless I never ever appreciated my ability to control my stimulation and socialisation levels. I took it for granted. The overstimulation of parenting and emotional taxes of it are far harder than I ever imagined they would be. 

I thought parenting two girls would be like a princess fairytale. 

It will be…once they go to bed and I can enjoy some hours of peace to restore me for the next sensory onslaught tomorrow.
On Monday morning I will probably cry with relief when I drop them at school. I actually mean that…I don’t say things on my blog I don’t mean. In order for me to keep well I require certain conditions…unfortunately many of the things that keep me well are unintentionally scuppered by my children…who are just ‘being children’. They are not doing anything wrong so I am never angry with them. 

But neither am I wrong for expressing how difficult I find parenting during school holidays when I have chronic illness.

If my chronic illness was physical it would be easier to express my feelings around this. But my illness is invisible. Some people still don’t believe mental illness is real!

It is very real…and I write this with tears in my eyes.

I LOVE my children so much. But I don’t love how I feel when I am with them 24-7 with a constant soundtrack of noise and PTSD aggrevating movement.

Noise hurts. 

Unpredictable movement startles me.

Touch causes panic. 

I am so bloody desperate to feel calm. Nobody told me it would be this hard 😦

SummerSHINES 

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17 thoughts on “4 SHADES OF GREEN

  1. I get it. I completely get it. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 1/2 years now. My youngest starts school in September, so it will be 7 years by then. I haven’t been alone for more than a few hours here and there for 7 years. I struggle so much sometimes. My husband doesn’t understand my need for space or “me time”. It simply doesn’t make sense to him. There is always someone who needs me in some way (fix something, cook something, do something, listen to something, etc.). Some days I’m fine, some days it feels like my head is going to explode! I love my family dearly, but in order to be able to give them the love and attention they deserve, I need to have my own needs met too.

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    1. I remember how desperate I was for them to start pre-school then school. Being a mum is honestly the hardest job out there-yet there is pressure to tell the world what a fantastic time you’re having with them. Sometimes parenting isn’t fantastic and it is absolutely fair to need refueling time. My husband knows fully what I’m like and I’ve also explained it to my kids now they’re older…it’s frustrating that your husband doesn’t understand this need you have. Maybe you should tell him to read my post! You are not abnormal in craving this alone time. Not at all. I just think it’s hard for people to admit that parenting is so uncomfortable sometimes, as well as gratifying 💛💛

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    1. That is so kind..my emotionality is changing and shifting all the time. I can barely remember what this post was about actually as now new emotions have stacked up 😂 but I always endeavour to be real and strip myself back in my blogs. That is the only way people will learn it’s ok to share their own struggles too 😊😘 Thanks for your kind comment x

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