I am invisibility visible. I am that person. That person of unapologetic black and white extremes. I dug deep and found potential. I saw it, I identified it, and I shouted about it in a very loud voice. People heard.
I don’t want to be invisible anymore. Please don’t stifle me. Don’t turn your face away. Listen to what I have to say. Listen to the voice of the ill turned well. Listen to the voice of the victim turned survivor.
It isn’t easy collecting labels of psychiatric dysfunction. It isn’t easy having your name blackened and smudged by the spilt ink of an ICD personality disorder & anxiety disorder trauma label.
My medical records say
Diagnosis: F43.1 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
F60.3 Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
Do you know what F43.1 and F60.3 mean for the person living with this?
Do you expect someone shivering, broken, fragile, erratic, impulsive, unpredictable, scary and scared? fearful and to be feared? faithless? hopeless? helpless? infantile? a drain on society? a useless person? a person best ignored, sidelined, and forgotten?
If that is society’s expectation of me based on my psychiatric labels then you are WRONG.
All F43.1 and F60.3 of me is STRONG, TENACIOUS, DETERMINED, PASSIONATE, FOCUSSED, RULED BY MY HEART, DRIVEN BY MY SOUL AND PROPELLED BY UN-DILUTED BRAVERY.
Weakness is only a tiny aspect of my character. Failure isn’t an option. I am not going to pretend I never feel weak. I do. I get scared. I get nervous. I doubt myself. I feel paranoid. I lack self-assurance. BUT what matters is I never give up. NEVER.
I don’t think a feeling of being overwhelmed by the demands of living is an indicator of weakness. I think we ALL feel overwhelmed, and it is what you do with that overwhelm that marks the difference between the people who could, and the people who actually do.
The people who COULD are the ones with potential whose potential will only ever remain in the form of potential. The people who DO are the people who take that potential and adopt a life stance of utter fearlessness and indomitable spirit, and do something with their potential transforming it into action.
I will do something with my potential to transform it to reality. I will!
People have faith in me. Importantly I have faith in myself. It isn’t unwavering faith. I sometimes express my fears and doubts to my close friends and they offer me the temporary reassurance I need to tide me over until my own store of self-belief replenishes again. It always does. I never run on empty for long.
Indomitable spirit. That is my super power.
Everyone who is oriented towards growth has indomitable spirit.
“I’m a rebel I will wake up and fight-there is no reason to hide. The world is missing what I am willing to give.”
How exactly does it feel to be me right now?
Honestly, it’s both exhilarating and terrifying. I am having to leave my comfort zones well behind. I am having to interact with a great number of people-many of them total strangers. I am driving myself forward-promoting my usefulness to people-showing the world what I can do, and do with ease.
I am having to do that always with a keen awareness continually that I may be rejected. I hate rejection. I hate being overlooked. I hate feeling invisible. I hate being dismissed or having my ideas or passion or skill-base dismissed.
In order for me to feel more visible, I am having to put myself in situations where my worst fears may well come true. I may be led by other people to feel invisible. I may be ignored. I may be disproved of. I may be judged as not being ‘good enough’. Maybe people will think other people are more interesting or talented than me, so overlook me. Maybe I will bang on fifty doors and 49 doors be slammed straight in my face. If that happens my face will get sore from the impact and shock of those doors slamming inches away from my blinking eyes, but I have to keep knocking on those doors of opportunity with confidence and determination-even if that inner strength is hard to summon up and maintain at times.
SLAM SLAM SLAM.
But I’ll get there.
It really is this difficult to re-enter the workforce after a period of psychiatric illness. It is not easy and a huge test of my personal character. Fortunately I am being supported brilliantly by my local Mind and also my psychologist. They want me to succeed and then will assist and support me so I don’t feel I am approaching this entirely alone. That helps so much.
Coming out into the light again, blinking and disorientated after living in the dark for the last several years is really achingly hard. I need key people to give me a break. I also need to give myself a break on days like today when I feel daunted and find everything too hard.
We have all faced times in our life where we are forced to retreat from everyday life and the workplace for a variety of reasons-physical heath, mental health, bereavement, divorce, redundancy or any other difficult adverse personal circumstances. It really is SHITE. There is a desire to prove ourselves and come in alive and kicking, ready to hit the ground running.
We may wish to compensate for our absence by over-giving, over-working, over-striving… just so we can feel like we have value again-the same value as everyone else-the people who haven’t retreated-the people who are already visible.
I want to add value to my life and the life of others so I am not just the mental health patient dealing with her difficult past-the F43.1/F60.3 invisibly walking diagnosis.
Hey world-do y’wanna see what else there is to me as a human being on this planet?
I promise that you will, soon enough. :)
I will make the transition from invisible mental health patient to valuable contributing visible member of society. I will make the invisibility of mental health more visible, and I will write about the process of getting from invisible to visible each day in my blog. I will cover the ups, the downs, the boring bits, the exciting bits, the overwhelming bits, the ‘basking in relief’ bits-all of it.
You will see over time exactly how summer starts to shine xXx
This is my SummerSHINES © Battle Cry