UNDER MY UMBRELLA

Anyone who has read my blog for Mind which went live today will now know I have Borderline Personality disorder (BPD). YIPEEE! I’m now slightly-ish famous for having a disordered personality. fist pump

In all seriousness, this was never on my bucket list….but it is what it is. I have this set of issues grouped together under the diagnostic umbrella of BPD. I have to carry this umbrella on my person, whether it is raining or not.

It gets a bit wearing sometimes, so I often feel the urge to huddle under Rihanna’s umbrella instead. Rihanna’s umberella-ella-ella-eh-eh -eh sounds far more fun than my DSM diagnostic manual personality disorder one grrrr

It is a strange feeling- having your words on a national charity website. I had to hide out in the shed for a bit earlier…NOT JOKING I ACTUALLY DID.

What was I hiding from? Insecurity. Fear. Exposure?

yup.

It takes guts to put your truth out there for public perusal.

But I always think of Brene brown when I have periodic attacks of writer’s self-doubt.

Brene always comes to the rescue.

My friends do too.

…I had a long chat with a friend whilst in the shed

“hello guy best friend. I’m in the shed…I’m phoning you” was pretty much how it started.

He helped reassure me…my girl best friend too. Thank goodness for friends who believe in you.

I have felt horribly dissociated since the blog went live but despite the dissociation I’ve managed to respond to people’s comments. I am a media volunteer, so interacting with la public about mental health is one of my fave things to do.

I know my exposed feeling will die down.

I guess writing about my PD is very different when it’s read by more people who are strangers to me. On summerSHINES I’m totally in my comfort zone. I almost forget people read this!…this writing is predominantly for me. I forget my audience, whereas when I write for other places I am far more audience conscious.

Earlier today I emailed off my first draft of an NHS article for my local NHS trust, for their website and staff intranet thing. EEK. That was quite scary. I want sometimes to cling to the comfyness of writing summerSHINES style on here. But I want to challenge myself as a writer and reach a wider audience, so I have no choice but to put on my brave big girl pants and accommodate to it.

Like Nike said…just do it :)

So I did it. I have done a ton of scary-ish things lately. I find building up a whole list of scary stuff and tackling it all in one go is easier than running up to every individual beachers brook Grand National jump and inevitably getting spooked at the last minute. My approach is fly towards all the jumps, and SO WHAT if you carve out a horse shape ruined hedge as your horse ploughs into the hedge with your eyes shut literally praying to not fall flat on your arse?

Things are going really well for me. I know how irritating that can be to other people who are not currently having a life that is going swimmingly well. But it genuinely is going great and I’m full of relief.

I am happy, fulfilled, stable, confident, self-assured…. I did a questionnaire last week and came out as extremely happy. This was a bonkers realisation believe me, but one to celebrate after all the life rubbish that has gone before me :)

But today my head hurts, I want to retreat back to the shed. I am overstimulated and overwhelmed by the exposure of the blog. I am not complaining. I am just expressing and adjusting. A year or two ago I wouldn’t have done this. Today it has happened. It feels like a lot for my sensitive soul…all that exposure, but after a while I will get used to it.

I guess every person with a PD who blogs publicly about it is going to feel a certain amount of anxiety when it first goes out.

…and what is even more bonkers is my mental health selfie vlog on recovery has now had 2140 views…I feel pretty much “recovered” these days. Putting these posts out there is evidently healing and good for the soul.

I think in light of my mood being so stable I need to seek out Rihanna’s umberella for some well-deserved fun. I just don’t identify so much these days with the PD one. I think I’ll just leave my DSM umberella diagnosis casually on the platform of an atmospheric black and white station. Imagine plumes of smoke  billowing out as the steam chain chugs out of the station. Imagine me dressed in period costume and very much NOT crying at the loss of that Borderline PD labelled umbrella.

I’ve written about my feelings surrounding BPD now, so I feel I can kind of move on. It’s out there. It’s dealt with. I’m ok now. I didn’t think that were possible. But it’s happening. So I guess that is the truth, and the truth about me and my future potential will eclipse any umbrella-style diagnosis given to me.

Diagnostic labels make shit presents.

Never forget that :P

**DO NOT EVER INVITE A PSYCHIATRIST TO A SOCIAL GATHERING. BUT IF YOU HAPPEN TO COME ACROSS ONE, MY ADVICE IS SEEK SAFETY UNDER RIHANNA’S UMBRELLA-ella-ella.

I will find my shine again, most probably in the garden shed

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8 thoughts on “UNDER MY UMBRELLA

  1. Yep it is vulnerability about exposure…also it’s nearly been a fortnight since my last therapy so ive got an emotional backlog 😬😠 It’ll sort itself out. Just a temporary glitch. But thanks for what you said 😊 A slightly famous friend Yay! 😁😂

  2. Oh noooooooooooo sending you hugs. I know the feeling though, I feel the same today. Perhaps it is the feeling of being vulnerable? I think mine is today, although not sure.. weird. x

  3. That is lovely. In all honesty I feel really crappy today 😣 Really exposed and quite down…not how I expected to feel. I’m sure I’ll feel ok in time though 😊

  4. WELL DONE SUMMER!!!!!! fabulous article. I admire your honestly and bravery and everything else – “ery” that applies. Awesome, I was bragging to my other half that I have a famous friend!!! You must be proud. x

  5. It is such a scary thing to put yourself out there and share like that. But you’re right that it is also such a relief to be able to move on from it once you own it. There is so much that I want to be able to share and just put out there so I don’t have to carry it alone anymore. Bits and pieces have slipped into my blog, but I feel as though I would need to start another blog (one without my picture, and one my family and friends didn’t already know about) before I would feel comfortable doing so.

CHAT TO ME (I am actually human)

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