Lately I’ve felt like I don’t have a mental health problem, certainly not a personality disorder. I’m always aware of the PTSD, but the Borderline Personality Disorder thing doesn’t always seem that evident to me. Lately I feel I’ve had a good handle on life. I’ve been calling the shots and my PD has been obeying my orders.
[Insert picture of summerSHINES as Hitler.]
It’s nice when my personality disorder behaves itself.
[Insert picture of me petting personality disorder dog in a ‘I’m in charge here authoritative fashion’]
This was my first attempt…
This one is better…marginally
Sometimes I see my personality disorder as something outside me, maybe a bizarre looking animal that I could pet at a petting zoo.
[Insert picture of bizarre looking made-up animal that resembles a personality disorder in my quirky imagination.]
But sometimes it feels like my personality disorder is inside me. It’s mine. I’m it. It has me- (one of those options).
Times it is most evident is when the identity splits within me become noticeable.
[No, don’t insert drawing of summerSHINES doing the splits…that is not funny]….
…TOO LATE 😂
The splits actually refer to personality splits that are very un-lickety.
(That was a My little Pony reference from the 1980s for those readers born earlier or later than I was.)
Lickity split was my fave. 😍😍
Having a personality disorder is NOT my fave.
The splits are vast personality chasms. When you have a personality disorder bits of your identity that should be joined up hang out in different places…like different rooms in a giant nightclub (one that tries to suit the musical tastes of the majority for mass appeal by having a room for each style of music).
If you visit my club you may find yourself trapped in one particular room at a time.
My psyche decided not to let my personality flow freely inbetween different rooms with differerent ambiences according to preference. I just get stuck in particular metaphorical personality trait rooms. Doors are locked and I can’t hear the music in the other rooms.
In the case of dissociative identity disorder (DID, formerly known as multiple personality disorder), people reside in different parts of the personality at any one time and the different parts are unaware of each other.
With borderline PD, a similar identity split goes on, except we retain a sense of not being quite as seperate as with DID. The professionals call it identity diffusion which actually sounds like an air freshener but isn’t.
As you can see my identity isn’t fully sure what it is or who I am.
I’m in a state of inner conflict right now which is hugely uncomfortable.
My personality is sat on that damn fence and won’t choose which garden to jump into.
[Insert picture of that damn fence]
So this is where I’m at.
Not being particularly productive.
I decided yesterday I’d wake up this morning and wear my happy pants.
I’m building up to it.
I’m still in my dressing gown!
Bear with 😂
Below is a photo of my actual hand holding these actual pens to prove I am a real person and not a made up blogger 💛😊💛