This is a simple idea I came up with to prompt blog post writing. Simply write alternate sentences about the things that are niggling in your mind causing you grief…things that you tell yourself you should or shouldn’t be doing…here are mine….hopefully you’ll try your own xxx

I should drink more water

I shouldn’t obsess so much about the size, muscle tone and shape of my bum, thighs, and belly

I should spend more time away from technology and electronic devices

I shouldn’t waste time on Facebook scrolling down seeing what people are eating and drinking, who with, where they are going, what memories they are having from their Facebook two years ago, what their opinions are and what is their favourite meme of the last ten minutes

I should do more charitable acts of worth

I shouldn’t make comparisons with working people who have more disposable income

I should spend half an hour a day wrestling and laughing and being silly with my children

I shouldn’t let my anxiety over my body fat mean my very real enjoyment of chocolate is diminished

I should spend more time caring for my appearance, pampering, make-up applying, beautifying

I shouldn’t complain that I feel scruffier, dowdier and less polished than my gorge friends who look gorge partly because they put far more time into self-beautification that I clearly don’t

I should create a garden, instead of just looking out at a non-descript rectangular bit of badly laid turf that the builders five years ago called “a garden”

I shouldn’t spend time indoors looking at the sunset through a patio door, when I could be sat outside feeling the air on my skin and seeing the sunset in all its bare and vivid glory

I should pursue my hobbies, but not at the expense of my home which is becoming a place alley cats would describe as ‘rough’

I shouldn’t doubt myself privately, yet write confident blog posts which are my attempt to overcome my doubt but leave me feeling strangely inauthentic after I’ve posted them

I should be better at dealing with the bits inbetween my therapy appointments better by now

I shouldn’t be approaching discharge but feeling this vulnerable and find it hard to directly tell my therapist this despite me having worked with her for fucking ages

I should be taking things easier

I shouldn’t ignore my own instincts when I know objectively I am piling the pressure on, but still ploughing on regardless like some achievement-focused aspirational hungry person

I should start every weekend breakfast with bucks fizz arm in arm with my beloved after a wonderful session of extended love making

I shouldn’t start every weekend refereeing a bicker sesh about which child got more presents last Christmas, offset by the other one complaining they may have got more at Christmas but got less at Easter, so really they are the hard-done-to child and me having to reassure them it all evens itself out and yes I do love them both equally

I should wear Victoria’s secrets undies

I shouldn’t wear Sainsburys own brand undies

I should spend more time doing cute hair braiding girlie type stuff with my girlie girls

I shouldn’t let them crimp my fringe again with the hot irons

I should be looking forward to mothers day

I shouldn’t be dreading mothers day because it reminds me of my own mother who is lost for good

I should be better at keeping up with messaging all my friends

I shouldn’t perhaps have so many friends in the first place, so much so that I have too many to converse with in any great depth and have to be content with friend surfing [brief chats but I can’t chat long type ones]

I should blog everyday and not let summerSHINES down

I shouldn’t stop my blogging preventing me from devoting time to projects that may land me paid work in the future

I should feel confident given all the positive feedback and external validation I get back

I shouldn’t feel self-doubt that cripples me invisibly quite this much

I should tell my hubby how relieved I am that I have him and that he stayed with me despite all the horrible emotional shit I put him through

I shouldn’t let my tendency to dwell on past mistakes mean I sink into depressed feelings which make it harder for me to actually demonstrate affection for the man I love

I should write down ideas for future blog posts in notebook entitled ‘a future blog post book’

I shouldn’t think of blog ideas on the toilet, on walks, in bed when I’m trying to sleep then promptly forget them

I should hurt less

I shouldn’t still hurt this much

I should be more compassionate to myself like my therapist advocates

I shouldn’t continue to be the abuser of myself, now my real abusers are out of my life

I should give myself a break

I shouldn’t be such a perfectionist….it’s a heavy weight to bear

I should value every moment

I shouldn’t de-value how far I’ve come in a relatively short time

I should indulge more in my spiritual self and solitude and creativity

I shouldn’t let technology and being on call socially from 8-11 mean I lose the essence of myself

I should drink more gin

I shouldn’t add so much tonic to my gin

I should value my friends and have more face-to-face meet ups with them

I shouldn’t fail to award myself the same love and courtesy I’d give my friends

I should have told those eejits sooner how much they were damaging me

I shouldn’t have remained in chains, under the influence of negative conditioning for that many years

As you can probably tell I have a lot of areas of personal conflict going on, and a lot of regrets circling around that are driving me a bit bonkerzoid

Final wisdom. I should probably stop saying ‘I shouldn’t’, or even ‘I should’ altogether… but I know ‘I will’ continue to do this…because this is what I do…don’t we all?