Today has been crummy…but I have no choice but to be relieved it’s over and look forward.
Looking forward is what I do…it’s a necessary black to the white of what has been before me.. ..hang on, scratch that…it’s actually the opposite. The future is WHITE light and hope, the past was BLACK shadowy figures and dark spirits that played on fear…
My mind-set is not fear-or at least my conscious purposeful mind-set is not fear-based.
The instinctive brain-based trauma created fear is still there…but the determined mind-set is what keeps me on my path.
Tonight I totally forgot all the fear stuff- I had golden time with my girlies. There is nothing more grounding than time spent in the presence of little people, especially ones that you yourself created. A wiggly-sperm-meets-egg type explosion. 9 months later and BOOM- you are in a maternity ward holding this frail screechy flesh-coloured ‘thing’ in your arms. One wasn’t enough. I had a second. That was a choice…I know not everyone has the necessary fertility to make those choices.
What is easy and effortless to one person is an impossible struggle to another. Child number two-the even cuter than the first-born version is now at the age she can speak snatches of French with a stereotyped and exaggerated French accent. She found it funny when I had a go…Child numero one-the ‘acts like she’s a teenager when she’s not yet a teenager’ one enters the room and scoffs at the poorly spoken French. She joins in with her addition of poorly spoken Spanish and we all conform to the “Brits are shit at second european languages” stereotype…it may not be PC, or something to brag about…but in our family and many Brit families we are bloody good at this.
I pulled the ‘acts like a teenager when not yet a teenager’ one in for a squeezy cuddle and immediately recoiled….”you smell of smoke-have you been smoking” I said?
I can’t believe I asked her that…she is 10, and I know she wouldn’t smoke, or at least I think she wouldn’t! She had been at youth club and out for a pizza with her friends, she said there was someone smoking outside the pizza place when they left…phew. Peace is restored.
I just had one of those omg this is what is in store moments…and I realised how she isn’t going to be little for long…she will be subject to peer influences as well as mine and hubby’s. That scared me…
Fear…again. A shot of it.
In that case the fear came not from looking back but looking forward…but you cannot live in ‘it’ can you….the fear thing.
I like to nod at fear, acknowledge it’s presence, then divert my attention mindfully away as soon as possible. I am sick of having a fear-based identity.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone…those are mantras I stole from clever self-help authors who I can’t remember the name of but like to live by. Another is THIS GIRL CAN.
I signed up for a half-marathon today….the reason? Halloween is my worst time of year….and the run is just before Halloween. I am going to enjoy the training and focus on this physical challenge, leading up to what I affectionately term ‘my time of year most shittiest’.
That is looking forward. That is white light. That is turning my face towards the sun. The shadows can fuck right off as far as I’m concerned.
Tomorrow I am meeting the lovely lady I’m going to be running this half marathon with. Up until now she’s been a lovely social media person who I met virtually on the Mind R.E.D Facebook page…
I cannot wait to meet her and give her a huge cuddle XXX
Anyway…my attention is being diverted by fascinating and compelling television that hubby is watching where people are filmed having one last night with their ex! I obviously have to watch this channel five TV event….blogging will have to wait :P