PSEUDO-KIND

This is an offloading therapeutic post. About how [some] people react to me.

You’ll notice from the blog address that this blog started out as SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE….it was then pointed out I was progressing really well and already post-traumatically shining, so it was changed to the very positive summerSHINES.

Judging on some recent feedback, maybe some might suggest a change of my blog name and purpose to the far less catchy option of SUMMER STARTS TO MAKE SUSTAINABLE PROGRESS AND NOT SHINE TOO BRIGHTLY.

I’ll level with you blog readers, I am sick to the back teeth of being doubted, sick to the back teeth of people worrying about me, or ‘for me’…sick to the back teeth of the ‘cotton wool wrapping up in’ supressing effect of the fortunately occasional but nonetheless irritating comments I get.

They are occasional comments, not all the time by any means- they get unleashed from people’s mouths and it usually shocks me. It arrives unpredictably and falls on, not deaf ears, but ears that hear the words and the logic behind them but have just grown weary of hearing the shine-limiting messages that some like to transmit.

People’s perception of what kindness is varies quite a bit. We are all individuals. We don’t have the same ideas. We don’t have the same brains, that process information and plan and make decisions and judgements and form opinions in the exact same way. We don’t have the same values or morals or consistent ‘anything’.

There is no universal factory setting when it comes to humans. We are all different.

But some people are even more different than the other ‘different people’.

Some people stand out. Some are shiners and some are solid. There is nothing wrong with people who are solid, dependable and consistent…but I am a shiny person who likes the buzz of pursuit.

We don’t all have the same aspiration levels.

We don’t all have the same determination.

We don’t all have the same motivation.

We don’t all have the same self-discipline.

We don’t all apply the same effort, and we also don’t have the same talents, skills and ability levels.

It is NOT a level playing field where we all apply the same rules of goal-seeking behaviour.

Some people have lots of goals.

Some people have none.

Some people pursue goals half heartedly and in a token gesture ‘hands up I tried…but I’m gonna stop because it’s got way too difficult’ kinda way.

I am not one of those half-hearted people.

A wonderful meme was shared and I was tagged in today…I had to share it here as it’s just a perfect antidote to the negativity I’ve been exposed to, not just recently, but in my life to date.

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I believe people use kindness in different ways, and kindness can sometimes contain a different darker element to it, which makes kindness not always the universally wonderful thing it is pedalled out to be. The darker side of kindness is…it can be used as a justification for saying upsetting things to someone then not feeling any guilt whatsoever for saying them…because they were kindly meant. All is excused. Any pain created is forgotten by the person who said it and caused the reaction. It was kind. I am kind. Aren’t I a great kind human. End of.

To what extent does the perpetrator of the kindness begin to feel uneasy?

Do they ever?

Do they feel uneasy if they’ve made you cry?

If you cry, it’s because they’ve ‘touched a nerve’…made you realise something you didn’t want to know…some wisdom that is “right” and you are crying in recognition of their rightness.

What if you’re not crying for that reason?

What if you know that the thing that person said was bollocks?

What do you do then?

They think they are crying because they have helped you and you can’t accept ‘kindly ‘help.

Kindness reassures them your tears are ok.

Do people ever wonder if their kindness was mis-judged do you think? Do people ever realise (when that kindness is unpacked and dissected) that maybe what they said wasn’t so kind? Maybe the thing that looked like kindness and is justifed as such, actually wasn’t kindness on the underneath layers? Do they ever realise perhaps their kindness was not so kind? not so helpful? not so innocent? not so pure in it’s intent?

And most importantly of all, do you think people ever click that you’ve sussed them out? That you’ve spotted the unkindness beneath the veneer of kindness?

Kindness can sometimes be a cloak that benevolent intentions can be very easily hidden behind.

NOT GUILTY YOUR HONOUR. I WAS BEING KIND.

……………Bollocks.

To balance out the argument I need to point out that usually kindness IS actually well meant…I think I’ve been on this earth long enough to be able to discern the difference between the emotion behind an action or a word or a behaviour being actually sincerely and genuinely kind, or ‘pseudo-kind’ passed off as real kind.

I know real kind when it happens. I also know pseudo-kind.

I don’t just listen to people’s words. I feel the energy behind them. I detect dissonance between objective message content and intent and meaning. I do that skilfully. That is why I am confident in my reactions. I have intuition to guide me and the messages come out loud.

I know when someone says words that have a particular meaning, yet sense a very different energy.

What is described as kindness can be cruelty, just like jokes and teasing and what appears to be very light hearted ribbing can thinly veil frustration and aggression. But we can’t react to the actual true energy and intent behind the joke, because we’re doing the funny game. Just like people play the kind game, when they are really not that kind.

I don’t like games people play.

I see though them.

I know what real kindness is. I have had lots of the real stuff this week, and you know how I know it was real…because I felt it.

This week people have brought me to tears with real kindness.

I dust myself off when I encounter the pseudo-kind of kindness. I shower off the toxicity.

Summer won’t let anyone smudge her shine.

That’s why she puts herself in the public ring.

She isn’t ashamed to shine, and she won’t let anyone make her feel there is anything amiss with that or her.

That’s how I react to the pseudo-kind.

They are just not my kind of kind.

summerSHINES……..

andstillmanagestotickalltheboxesofmakingsustainableprogress!

PS. Found the best quote ever on the inside of a running shoe box posted on Instagram

“Obsessed is just a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.”

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21 thoughts on “PSEUDO-KIND

  1. I think genuine kindness — as opposed to some kind of animosity masked as kindness — is always informed by sensitivity to others. The two seem entwined.

    Very thoughtful post!

  2. I think that was the final clincher wasn’t it…I see that. How are the new meds suiting you? I have cut out a dose of mine and can feel a slight difference.

  3. Me too — I think that’s why I ended up back at the doctor for meds when my leg was injured. I didn’t have the exercise to keep me feeling OK.

  4. Definitely. I am much more stable and string since I have a regular exercise routine πŸ‘ I’d I skip a run or workout I soon notice the difference X

  5. Grrrrrrr, I fucking despise passive aggression vainly labelled as kindness! Okay, I understand the saying ‘sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind’. Like when it comes to putting down a dog suffering from a crippling defect of some kind. Does that same saying apply when somebody is using judgemental behaviour to sum up the situation of another in dismissive fashion? Are they being cruel to be kind? No! They’re being judgemental and making the other person feel small for not doing things their way. That isn’t kindness. Telling it to someone like it is isn’t kind or helpful because what it is to the person you’re telling it to is likely a million miles away from what it is to you.
    Passive aggression is not and never has been an act of kindness. It’s passive aggression and nothing more!

  6. I’m so glad you managed to create a better second experience in hospital 😘😘😘 Well done pop tart ❀❀❀

  7. XoxoX The shoe box quote had to be on a running shoe 😁 I think exercise makes you more goal driven as you’re fueled by the fabulous endorphins. Thanks chicken xx from one diamond to another xx

  8. Haha! I love this comment! People think they are cleverly concealing their actual intentions, but kindness is their justification…a poor disguise. We can usually all tell the difference. 😘😘

  9. This trend of fake kindness seriously annoys me too. If you’re an ass, just show it for God’s sake. Everyone knows it and you look even worse not owning up to your apathy. Also, chances are if you feel squeamish about your apathy, maybe you should do something about that black void of a heart you have.
    My gosh my anger surprises me sometimes. πŸ˜„

  10. Thank you, honey bun! πŸ˜‰ Yeah, I haven’t totally mentioned a few things yet, but I actually went back into the hospital again last Monday, the first place I went to was total pants but the second one helped out a lot πŸ™‚
    I shall soak up your rays heartily! πŸ˜€ 🌞🌞🌞

  11. Bollocks means balls. But has the same put down ability as bullshit πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I love word differences around the world. I personally love the word bollocks πŸ˜πŸ˜‚ Xx Thanks for commenting 😊

  12. I feel for you right now darlin xx I know you have been through so much (from what I’ve read in your blog). I’m really pleased you’re out of hospital. I hope the inpatient stay achieved what you hoped and you are feeling safer and more secure 😘😘 It is really kind of you to write to me when I know you’re struggling so much lately. Luckily I have sunshine to share 😘😘 MWAH Xx ❀❀❀

  13. Gosh, it’s been such a long time since I’ve read people’s posts… This one is very intriguing!! You’ve grown a LOT Summer, and that’s so, so, so awesome :) I’m glad that you’re still going out there in the world and shining all about. I hope my own sunshine-ness comes soon :)

    <3 <3 <3

CHAT TO ME (I am actually human)

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