Today’s post is for me…it isn’t for an imaginary audience. It’s for me. It may not entertain you. You may not agree with it. You might want to skip this one over. This post is for me.
Today is Easter Sunday 2017. I cannot articulate clear enough how much I DISLIKE and DETEST Easter, (and all the other Christian festivals).
I am not one who today is entering into the festivities with child-like enthusiasm or even adult-like contentment. Today is a day I want to skip. I want today to be over…which is very much the feeling I had as a little girl who wished her life were over.
Christian Festivals make me feel unwell. Today I feel sick with a churning stomach. I haven’t even touched chocolate eggs…this is the just the Christian festival effect on me.
I briefly went on Facebook, saw a few triggering photos my Christian friends had posted (not of course realising how much these kind of things affect me) and had to go offline. “Take my phone away and hide it somewhere I can’t get to it” I exclaimed dramatically to my hubby. “I don’t want to be able to find it, and I don’t know when I next want to go online and be contactable so please just hide it for me”...so he hid it.
Why was the hiding of the phone necessary today? Because I know that if I go on my phone today, and probably also tomorrow, that I will see religious stuff posted on my social media feeds. I must protect myself. I already feel sick with revulsion. I cannot risk that occurring again.
I posted a HAPPY EASTER message on my Facebook, and yesterday I distracted myself from the dread of Easter Sunday by messaging loads of people about fundraising, appealing for donations and participants. I have done my absolute best with the whole ‘EASTER AVOIDANCE thing’, but today is Easter Sunday-so there is no escaping the Easter-ness of it.
I haven’t written about religion lately….or rather my aversion to religion, as I feel it is unfair on those readers who are religious, and I want to spare people’s feelings.
It’s something I keep to myself these days. Live and let life. But on Easter Sunday (which has to be one of the most Christian infused religious festivals of the whole year, I cannot escape my aversion to it.
I know the aversion hasn’t gone away because of feeling nauseous just from glancing at photographs and memes on Facebook today :(
Religion, for me, is a very bad thing. Religion is tied up, for me, in very bad memories. Religious festivals, for me, have extremely unpleasant and traumatic associations and connotations in my mind and heart. That is why religion literally makes me sick.
My horrific childhood abuse was so intrinsically tied up, for me, with religion and religious rituals, that I cannot experience anything remotely religious without it making me feel sick.
I had intended to have a full social media detox over the Easter period, but my coping strategy yesterday was my fundraising, so social interaction was required.
Next Easter I think I may book a holiday in a remote cottage with no WiFi or means of contacting anyone, and then I can avoid the religious Easter-associated triggers altogether.
But I didn’t have the foresight nor the money to achieve that this year, so I am left to flounder in the whole vomit-inducing Easter-ness of Christianity.
So, what else do I feel….apart from revulsion and nausea?
Anger in capital letters…(like this)…ANGER, and also (in no particular order) hatred, resentment, bitterness, hostility, depression, sadness, fear, anxiety…..just plain m.i.s.e.r.y.
What I’d like to do is march into Easter Sunday mass in my home town and scream at them all for their epic two-faced religious bullshit. Calling themselves Roman Catholic and abusing me and my friends like we were cattle for the slaughter.
HOW DARE YOU HIDE BEHIND CATHOLICISM TO GET AWAY WITH DOING WHAT YOU DID TO ME AND MY FRIENDS!!
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!
HOW DARE YOU WEAR THOSE VESTMENTS AND LIGHT THOSE CANDLES AND SIP THE BLOOD OF CHRIST AND BLESS THAT HOLY FUCKING WATER!
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!!
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THOSE BULLSHIT PRAYERS OUT LOUD IN A “HOUSE OF GOD”!
HOW DARE YOU STAND THERE LIKE PIOUS MODEL PARAGONS OF VIRTUE, WITH A SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE AS THOUGH YOU’VE HEARD FROM THE BIG GUY THAT YOU HAVE A FAST-TRACK TICKET TO HEAVEN ALL PRE-FUCKING ARRANGED?!
HOW DARE YOU BE SO SELF SERVING, ALL THE WHILE PRETENDING TO BE PERFECT PEOPLE IN THE RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY IN WHICH YOU RESIDE!
THERE COULD BE NOTHING LESS PERFECT ABOUT YOU.
YOU ARE SO FAR OFF PERFECT IT’S UNBELIEVABLE, YET YOUR DELUSIONAL BELIEFS PROTECT YOU FROM ANY GUILT- RENDERING YOU SHAME-FREE!
YOU ARE SHIT AND SCUM AND YOU LIE AND CHEAT AND HURT AND HARM AND DOMINATE AND TRY TO SILENCE.
JIMMY SAVILLE ABUSED CHILDREN WHO COUDN’T USE THEIR LEGS, SO THEY COULDN’T GET AWAY FROM HIM AND ESCAPE. HOW FUCKING SADISTIC IS THAT.
YOU WERE NO BETTER THAN SAVILLE!
YOU ARE ROMAN CATHOLIC SCUM WHO TOLD ME I WOULD GO TO HELL! LIKE….SERIOUSLY???? I THINK YOU’VE CONFUSED WHO IS THE GOOD AND WHO IS THE BAD PERSON HERE!
YOU HAVE GOT THINGS SO WRONG.
BUT YOU FEEL RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE POWERFUL CHURCH FOLK BEHIND YOU. YOU FEEL PROTECTED WHILE I FELT DEFENCELESS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY DEFENDERS AND CARERS. YOU, INSTEAD, WERE MY PERSECUTOR.
YOU WERE THE PERPETRATORS.
YOU WERE THE SADISTS.
I HAD TO BEG FOR FORGIVENESS IN CONFESSION THAT I HAD SINNED…..LIKE, S E R I O U S L Y!!!!!!???????????????????????????
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG IN YOUR MINDS?
HOW THE FUCK DID DARKNESS AND CRUELNESS OF THAT MAGNITUDE GET IN TO YOUR SYSTEMS?
WEE YOU VICTIMS TO? EXCEPT THE KIND OF VICTIM WHO TURNS PERPETRATOR.
YOU TURNED BAD.
I AM PROUD YOU DIDN’T TURN ME BAD.
I’M SO GLAD I DIDN’T BECOME WHAT YOU ARE.
I’M PROUD I CAN HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH.
THE MOST IMMORAL THING I’VE EVER DONE IS SWEAR ON MY BLOG ABOUT WHAT A FUCKING SET OF SCUM YOU PEOPLE ARE.
I DON’T NEED FORGIVENESS FOR HATING RELIGION AND WHAT IT STANDS FOR.
I DON’T NEED PITY FOR STILL HATING ALL OF YOU.
I DON’T NEED PLATITUDES OR RELIGIOUS BULLSHIT TOSSED MY WAY.
WHAT I NEED, IS FOR PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE WHILE I SORT OUT THIS EASTER-CREATED TRAUMATIC JUMBLE IN MY HEAD.
I FEEL AGGRESSIVE. I FEEL HOSTILE. I FEEL SAD. I FEEL HURT. I FUCKING HATE LIVING SOMETIMES, AND TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE FUCKING DAYS WHERE LIVING HURTS THE ABSOLUTE MOST.
I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ME.
NORMAL SUMMER SHINING SERVICE WILL RESUME, JUST AS SOON AS I’VE VOMITED ALL THIS RELIGION AND TRAUMA OUT OF MY SYSTEM VIA THIS POST.
I NEED PEACE. I NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE THE PEOPPLE IN MY LIFE ARE NOT BLOODY LOVELY PEOPLE. THEY ARE…I JUST KNOW THE OTHER SIDE TO HUMANITY BECAUSE I SAW IT AND FELT IT AND HEARD IT AND TOUCHED IT AND FUCKING LIVED IT FOR 15 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE.
I JUST NEED AND CRAVE PEACE.
I WISH I COULD TALK TO MY PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT SHE’S AWAY ON EASTER HOLIDAYS.
SOMEHOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ALONE….JUST LIKE I DID BACK THEN.
I GUESS I COPED WITH 15 YEARS…SO ONE DAY EXTRA IS NOTHING IS IT.