At last…..freedom to type…freedom to let the words topple out of my head and onto this blank page. This blog represents a type of escape for me….this is the place where I make sense of my inner environment and all it’s turmoil.
I am having serious thoughts about my future currently. I am questioning lots of things…my identity….my purpose….my goals….
…How different we can feel as individuals, compared to how we are perceived by the external mass known as “other”.
What do the “others” think of us?
What do the “others” believe to be our strengths and weaknesses?
What level of prominence do we attach to external evaluations of our self-worth?
Do they really matter?
I am not sure either way…just posing my questions out there into the cyber wilderness nonetheless.
I feel in the wilderness. It is a time of deep re-evaluation.
Accelerated progress/regression/plateaus…they are all part of mental health recovery following a significant suicidal mental health breakdown.
I feel a need to retreat from social media I sense, to a certain extent. I am not replying to comments left on this blog lately…I am sorry. I just can’t do it just now. My head is not in the right place to accommodate another person’s perspective. There simply isn’t room in this head of mine for extra stuff.
There is a rule of thumb, oft quoted “NEVER BELIEVE YOUR OWN HYPE”
I am someone who is hyped….I am someone who [some] people admire a great deal…do I generate my own hype? Or does the hype come from people naturally reacting to who I am?
I have a ‘disordered personality’- so says Dr Cautious (my psychiatrist of five years). But it isn’t what is sounds….it isn’t that I am a flawed person with flawed morals or flawed behaviours or flawed thoughts/flawed feelings……no. What having a disordered personality means, is that having been born into my particular family of origin, and having been abused in a complex-trauma-ish way, at a consistently high level of severity, over fifteen years, that I am someone who HURTS a lot and
sometimes often struggles.
What do I do that is disordered? Good question…
I would argue that what seems disordered about me, is my diminished ability to sustain a constant level of emotional contentment as I experience life, day to day.
That is what is diminished…my ability to ride the emotional ups and downs with ease.
My ups are higher than your ups. My downs are lower than your downs. If you were to draw a line on my mood chart between my highest highs and my lowest lows, and measure the distance with a ruler…I would be bringing in the BIG NUMBERS.
My variation is not only extreme, but it is about as variable within short periods of time as you can possibly get.
My mood charts are bonkers! If they were put through a computer, they’d probably break the computer! BOOOOM. Another computer gone because it can’t compute my mood stats!
My mood stats are out of this world.
That is why it can be hard to be friends with me.
You need to like all bits of me…the happy bits, the giddy bits, the excitable bits, the enthusiastic bits, and also the lonely bits, the empty bits, the withdrawn bits, the self-hating bits, and the hating the world bits.
Sometimes, (like yesterday) I hate humans…
Sometimes I want complete social withdrawal for my sanity.
Sometimes I want to embrace the whole world in one squeezy hypomanic hug.
Both people are still me, but it can be hard to reconcile that in other people’s heads.
SummerSHINES has gone BONKERS, you might think!…
“only as bonkers as usual” would be my reply.
I don’t know how to end this post…I don’t know how to come up with intelligent insightful points….and how can I come to conclusions when I have only just posed the questions?
The answers to my questions will come in a later post…I’m off to spend time with my husband who has just walked in the door after being away. He is my human-shaped grounding anchor. I will watch my girls do gymnastics on the trampoline. I will sip coffee. I will colour-in mindfully. I will listen to music. I will meditate…and I will get my head together again. I may even have a nap….
Life can hurt…the squiggly lines of my emotional life can be hard to live with…anyone who judges me for how I am, simply does not understand mental illness and how it can manifest.
I am not a bad person. I aim to do good. Sometimes I get tired and grumpy. Constancy is not my thing, but however I feel think or behave, I am still all me.