Have you ever let doubt stand in our way? I used to be like this and let the doubt monster take over the reins of my personal destiny. Not any more.
My faith has been tested lately-shaken and stirred. If you poke a stick into a puddle ripples will be visible. The rings of ripples will spread outwards until they disappear out to the outer edges of the puddle where the puddle meets the top surface of the floor. Where do those rings go? Do they disappear and cease to exist just as soon as they cannot be detected by the naked eye? Quite deep questions about humanity just there. Honestly-they are.
If you poke a stick at a human, given that humans are largely composed of water, we are no different really to puddles-except we are people versions of puddles.
The elements that make us “us” are constantly reconstituted and form and reform. Like puddles of water, we can be moved. We can be kicked. We can have someone suddenly land and splash into us with their HUGE wellington boots, displacing everything we thought we were. People mark us with human footprints. But the good thing is, like puddles and like mother nature itself, we recompose and regain our form.
Ultimately, unkind words cannot hurt us. All we do is we briefly register the unkindness, back away from the hurt creator, then we move on with our lives. We keep in our lives those who are good for us. We evict the wellington boot puddle splashers that are prone to poking sticks at us or towering over us with their green with envy wellingtons. We know we need to preserve the puddle of humanness that is us. We know we will repair ourself. We just know that calm human puddles have to avoid those that agitate us. That is self-protection.
I don’t allow destruction in my life. I don’t allow self-destruction either. I’ve done the self-destruction andmade the mistakes (which I will openly admit to) and lived to regret all that. I also try and protect people I care about, to help them remain calm and at peace.
I cannot tolerate destruction, only construction.
You can never be truly at peace if you have destructive elements mixing with yours.
I know how to spot them far better than before. Tick. Tick. Tick. Another one.
Why did I disregard my initial instincts? I guess because I like to see the good. If there is a benefit for a doubt to be had, I’ll give one out freely.
But sometimes my finely tuned instincts are overridden by my desire to see the good. If there is good, I must find it! That is my logic. But really, it’s a waste of time.
Anytime we disregard a first impression, and particularly a feeling we get when we are physically only inches away from a person, we are playing with fire.
My PTSD is my superpower. My instincts are subtle and finely tuned. I notice things that others don’t…or maybe others notice but the instinctual voice in their head is easily drowned out, as opposed to mine which SCREAMS it’s messages of warning, demanding them to be heard above everything else.
You hear an intuitive whisper. I hear a scream.
Every time I ignore those intuitive screams, I get myself into trouble later down the line.
Eventually the person is excluded from my circle. But I always wish it were sooner. I wish I had listened to myself sooner and trusted myself sooner.
But instead of beating myself up for this, instead I will focus on how resiliently and quickly I am able to restore the puddle that makes up me to a state of calm again.
I read this amazing quote on Good Reads…it’s a Tumblr quote, and it resonated and reassured me so much.
If you’ve ever doubted yourself, walk deep into any forest. Notice how the trees still stand even if they are given no recognition. Walk along any stream. the water still flows, though so one stops to praise it. Watch the starts late at night; they shine without acknowledgement. Humans are just the same. We are made out of the same elements as these beautiful wonders. Always remember your beauty and self worth.
I will keep what I’m doing writing and speaking about mental health in public, whether I get praise or not. I will keep doing what I’m doing whether I get fair recognition of my efforts to do the right thing or not. I will keep doing what I’m doing regardless of anyone twisting what I do or inferring there is malevolent intent, where there is actually none at all. I will keep what I’m doing regardless of whether my truth makes people uncomfortable or not. I will not wait for those who are less self-aware and insightful to catch up and keep pace. I don’t expect everyone to work at this speed. I don’t expect everyone to like my personality. I don’t expect everyone to make accurate assessments of me, as I recognise the perceptual differences we all have. I don’t expect everyone to accept me.
What I can feel confident about, is that I am someone who holds herself accountable for increasing her self-knowledge, works on understanding herself better and constantly bettering herself to the best of her ability. I am in the most honest cohort of the population. I am not afraid to stand up and be counted and confront when I see obvious discrepancy. The reason I feel able to do that, is I accept discrepancy in myself. I accept my shortcomings. I accept my flaws. I know what they are. I openly say….
I AM IMANI SUMMER, I HAVE PTSD AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. I HAVE THESE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS AS A DIRECT RESULT OF MY ABUSIVE EXPERIENCES IN MY FORMATIVE YEARS. THOSE TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES SHAPED MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY AND WAYS OF THINKING, FEELING, AND REACTING. I HAVE MADE THREE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, SPENT TIME IN A PSYCHIATRIC WARD, SELF-HARMED AND USED MANY OTHER MALADAPTIVE COPING STRATEGIES TO COPE, MY MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES NEARLY BROKE MY MARRIAGE AND MY CHILDREN NEARLY DIDN’T HAVE A MOTHER.
I HAVE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS. I HAVE THERAPY FOR THEM (SOON TO END). I TAKE MEDICATION (THOUGH FAR LESS OF IT NOW).
THIS IS NOT NEWS TO YOU! UNLESS YOU HAVE ONLY JUST BEGAN FOLLOWING MY JOURNEY. I HAVE NEVER HIDDEN ANYTHING ON MY BLOG.
I’LL NEVER STOP STRIVING. NEVER. I’LL ALSO NEVER STOP BEING HONEST AND ASSERTIVE AND SELF-RESPONSIBLE .
PEOPLE THINK THIS PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME IS A WEAPON TO USE AGAINST ME. IT ACTUALLY ISN’T! I SAID IT ALL HERE ALREADY.
Like the stream of water, the stars in the sky, and the trees in the forest that stand still, we need no recognition of their efforts. Because we are beautiful- just as we are.
Never doubt. Unless you’re in the wrong…in which case doubt is a damn good thing. It’s called self-awareness. aka INSIGHT.