I was planning a duvet day today after waking up decidedly feeling lack lustre, to a backdrop of un-seasonally wintry weather outside my bedroom window. But I got the miserable wet and arctic windy dog walk out of the way early, and now I’m cosy and warm, in my favourite spot in the house, clickety clacking the keys, taking pleasure in choosing words and basking in the images that pop up in my mind as I write today’s blog.

I have blogged (usually daily) for over 12 months on various platforms and sites. I also post a great deal on social media. Sometimes I am more enthusiastic about it than others. Sometimes I wonder if I should carry on and if anyone really cares if I publish or not. Yesterday in therapy I said to my lady I was reevaluating a lot of things, life goals, purpose, what is working and what isn’t. I think it is healthy to question what you choose to spend your time on everyday, every so often. Is this my direction? Are there better alternatives? Am I really making inroads in arriving at any goal oriented destinations? How important is it to even have goals? Cue much analysis.

Insert drawing of my version of Rodin’s thinking pose ;)

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There is a whole load of analysis to go on- weighing up pros and cons in logical systematic fashions, and there are instincts to heed as well.

What is the point of writing? For the mind? For the body? For the soul? For yourself? For others?

I am both a writer who is bold and honest, and also I am a sensitive. That is a bonkers and nonsensical combination…but it is me…so I need to learn to accommodate my inner contradictions, to be aware of them, to weigh up their usefulness, and sometimes choose to prioritise one of those two aspects as being the more important one.

If I am bold and honest in my writing and words and way of expressing myself, the package deal is that I will be attacked more, especially now my audience is wider and more varied than it ever has been. My writing is not only on summerSHINES. It is out there in the NHS read by NHS employees, also in a health care publication for professionals. It is on the national Mind website. It is on multiple social media platforms. Then there are the YouTube videos, the Mind vlog and the spoken word captured by journalists for radio broadcasting. Many more outlets where people can find me, read me, and either love me or despise me.

I don’t tend to provoke indifference in readers. I tend to magnetise the extremes of other people. I draw people in and make them feel SOMETHING, never nothing. I don’t know how I do that, but my clever psychologist lady who knows me well and I trust her judgement says it’s because of my unusual EMOTIONALITY, and unusual bareness/rawness/authenticity/ability to take risks in sharing things that may expose me to very personal judgement.

I lay myself out no filter. That is rare. I personally believe the very best writer’s take this approach though. A writer with restraint doesn’t have any effect on me emotionally. My attention is not summoned or captured. They may as well be publishing their weekly grocery list. If I cannot feel the individual writer and hear their imaginary voice speaking their words, I cannot get what I crave out of reading.

I like people with a voice. I admire people with a voice. I don’t admire wallflowers, not because there is anything wrong with being more reticent or cautious (each to their own) but they do not arrest my attention like strong voiced people do.

The best compliment anyone can ever give me that thrills me the most is “you write well”. It is the only thing I believe I am naturally talented at in life, so when other people recognise that and add their complimentary viewpoint that they enjoy reading my writing, that make me buzz.

A close second favourite compliment is when people say I’m a nice person and have helped and inspired them. That is why I write….one of the reasons anyway, because I like to communicate in a way that influences people and helps them see new stuff about themselves. When someone says I helped them with a blog post, or a private conversation, I feel immensely proud.

Being complimented that I’m a good mum is another very reassuring and life affirming thing. My own mum failed me, so it is important I feel validated by others that I am not carrying on that destructive cycle with my own girls. That feels good.

What I am not bothered about or affected by however is someone saying “you’re pretty, I love your house, I love what you’re wearing etc”….things that to me are shallow and nothing connected with me and my personal identity.

I wish to be known as someone who writes well, who understands human psychology well and who influences people I befriend and support in positive ways.

Not everyone will leave a friendship with me however singing my praises. Why? Because I am ruthless with distancing myself permanently from people who start off as positive influences and become destructive to me emotionally. I view this as assertiveness. I know my worth. I know what is fair and unfair treatment. I won’t accept less that I deserve. My loyalty to myself and my close friends and family is far stronger than my loyalty to people who are peripheral to my life and I begin to realise are bad news for me and my ongoing recovery.

I try not to attract damaged people, but I know that is what I do.

My damage magnetises others who are also damaged in some way. We resonate on similar ‘damaged person’ frequencies.

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But I am an insightful damaged person who is mending my damage and fully understands my damage, how it manifests and what I need to do to progress from it. I cannot abide people who are in denial about their own damage-the people who tend to point fingers at everyone else- believing everyone else is to blame but their own self. I am willing to threaten my own psyche and self-examine myself and whether I may have made a mistake or gone too far in what I said or did. Not everyone has the guts to be introspective and apply that accurate self-examination to themself.

I won’t spend time with people who don’t want to grow. I won’t spend my time with people who are stuck, and going on observations of how they tend to react to things, are likely to remain stuck ad infinitum.

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I am growing. I am changing. I am transforming. That is what I find appealing therefore in others.

What frustrates me, is that because I openly identify myself as psychologically damaged person on this blog-because I am fully HONEST and OPEN and TRANSPARENT with no hidden agendas or one-sided accounts, that information and honest self-admission about my own problems is used as informational weaponry to try and destroy me with.

Because I am so vocal about what happened and how psychologically it affected me, some people (who are insecure themselves and envious) like to try and take me down with this information. They think they have got one over me by pointing out I am psychologically fuckedup. πŸ˜‚

I bloody know that! This is what the whole point of the blog is!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ It makes me wanna chuckle…how people can poke the “you have a personality disorder and are fuckedup” stick at me. I say EVERYWHERE is my blog that I have a PD and PTSD and am fuckedup! My fuckedupness is nothing to be hidden and suffered with silently behind closed doors. I am brazen about my fuckedupness….yet some people still have their pop at me, jeering “YOU DID THIS. YOU DID THAT”………..”yes”, I feel like saying “….AND???!!!!”

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I have never hidden anything! I am an open book. I admit my faults. I admit my diagnoses. I admit what my problems are. I take responsibility for them. I work hard to change it all. I am determined to shine, but some people take issue with that.

In therapy yesterday we talked about how people tend to react to me. It is evident that I attract strong reactions of interest, sometimes admiration, sometimes envy, sometimes anger and frustration, sometimes hurt. That is because of my #NO FILTER approach to communication.

I am direct, can be blunt, can deliver factual information that is unpalatable to some. I am driven, hard working, and ambitious to make a positive difference in society. I am more of a leader than a follower. I don’t conform. I’m not a wallflower. I won’t apologise for my existence. I know my intentions are always positive…..But I can piss people off sometimes.

I think it is my personality type to be marmite.

People like me when I am supportive to them. It is harder to take though when I point out home truths or alternative viewpoints. Then I am despised. I am fallen off my pedestal because I dared to take a no bullshit approach.

I don’t want you in my life. You are destructive. No thanks. You’re not my Earl Grey cup of tea. I say that straight.

OUCH.

Ruthless….aren’t I.

But with me, what you see if what you get. Everyone starts off liked by me until proven otherwise. I believe everypne to be good unless proven otherwise. When your likability and niceness is questioned though, I don’t waste my time anymore investing into a friendship. If I stop trusting a person, if I see their dark side and they can’t see it themselves I point it out. I get hated for socially rejecting someone (by the person I just rejected). Fair enough. Rejection doesn’t feel nice to the receiver. 

All I am doing though is protecting myself from emotional harm. I am fully entitled to do that. I know what I deserve. I know what I need, admire, and respect in people. If someone is making my emotional boat fill with water and I feel myself sinking, don’t be shocked if a man has to go overboard so I can float and be psychologically safe again.

The person in the water doesn’t like this. They will flap in the water and protest and make a scene, but I know I have to paddle my own canoe and not allow passengers to overload my mental health boat. They are afterall people that will lead my summerSHINES boat to potentially sink. That isn’t ok with me.

Self-protection is something I never exercised when I was young. I was treated extremely badly back then. I didn’t protest because I was a traumatised child who couldn’t. I won’t allow it now. I won’t take shit now. If that makes me disliked by anyone, so be it.

You may call me ruthless and cruel, but if you were me, would you honestly be any different?

summerSHINES Β©

 

 

 

 

 

 

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