POEM ‘Que Sera’

POEM ‘Que Sera’

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Pain un-softened; a writer writes

Weeping child floats above during tear-stained sleepless nights

Hover above where his arms can’t reach

A priest’s sermon heard; ‘that geezer sure doesn’t practise what he preach’

Child abuse is my shadow obscuring the light

Another wave hits summer please HOLD ON TIGHT

Memories roll in my cine-film head

Remembering why I wish to be dead

The pain is here; the pain is great

Wish someone could screw my head back on forwards and straight

Took a tablet last night, I did

Trying to replace the box’s depressive lid

The ‘box of horrors’ lid flew right off

Breath got stuck, an audible spluttery cough

Lonely today – lonely and lost

Childhood trauma has an un-priceless psychological cost

I’m still paying the cost for that ‘thing’ I never chose

Why me? asked the little girl who [in fear] froze

Emotions strong – far stronger than me

Gimme a break – let my blurry eyes adjust and then see

See the way forward. Need a chemical cure.

Spent far too long legs splayed across the dusty floor

I’ll never forget the feeling I had

…of tablets stuck in my throat when it all got too bad

“You were lucky”, so the doctor said

“Lucky to be alive?  Why not try a minute in my head.”

“After one minute Dr, I assure you, you’ll want to quit”

So don’t tell me ‘lucky’ – it’s not you who has to deal with IT.

Today I’m not falling for your hopeful platitude mental health recovery shit.

‘It’ being trauma. ‘It’ being sad. ‘It’ being lifeless. ‘It’ being mad.

No inspiration to give – nothing whatsoever to offer

Having an off day – a mental health funeral cougher

Cough and splutter; won’t swallow their words

I’m a goat set apart from the sheep that graze happy in their herds

All alone – party poppers let off in my party of one

A loner who walks to the beat of their own unique drum

Wrap myself tight – from morning till night

Fly dreamy kites on windy days to distract from my inner plight

I hope she rings -my therapist guide

…then I can tell her of my darkness inside

Suicidal feelings, body about to give up

Child within adult woman drinks from the family poisoned cup

She’s seen too much and grew up way too fast

Today I raise the summerSHINES flag at half mast

Giving up now, of course only temporary

I’ll come back fighting when I locate the magic healing key

For today though people, please leave me be

Allow me to grieve. I’ll be OK – I promise, I’ll care for me

Whatever will be will be

The future’s not ours to see

Que sera sera

summerSHINES ©

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