Another blank screen with more stuff for me to throw at it. I’m not sure how I feel…hopefully writing will illuminate me. (Unless white noise is the thing I’m feeling. I’m not quite sure yet.)
I’m sat enjoying a beautiful view of hilly farmland framed by the rectangular shape of the patio door in front of me. I’m lay on my uber comfy bed looking straight ahead at an eye level vista to die for. My eyes make out the definite shapes of woodland in the distance that resemble what look like mounds of green natural sponges glued down to the ground on some perfect minature model village. The grasses in the ladscape range from a dried out yellow to a vibrant limey green to the murkiest darkest green where shadows are cast from the rapidly sinking sun.
All is calm. All is well. All is ok.
I emailed my psychologist briefly just to say I’m OK and to reassure her not to worry, as the last time I spoke to her I was tearful and despairing. I didn’t want her to worry while I was away. I’m at peace now, so it’s only fair I leave her in peace also.
I’m a pain in the arse patient and she’s so good with me. Time for her to have a holiday from me too.
I have not needed anything emotional from my family since we got here except conversation and fun and company. It feels nice to not be not so needy.
I am never needy with my kids, but I am needy with my hubby daily. He is having a much needed break from being my emotional rock. So it is him and my psychologist who are having a break from me. Those two humans are my main supports, with a crew of other supports ranging from the close knit to the relatively peripheral.
Wouldn’t it be fabulous if I could get by without needing them so much!….I will try hard when I get home to reverse my recent increase in dependence on them. I don’t like this dependence as much as they don’t. Probably even more so.
They are far happier to be needed than I am to actually need them I suspect.
Is it needless to need people so much? Or is it unfair to deny myself to right to lean on others from time to time when I most need them?
I was conditioned to believe that to need someone was to be a burden. This week on holiday is my respite from the guilt of being a perceived burden to those people who usually care for me. Unfortunately feeling like an emotional burden who is “bad” feeds directly into my usual suicidal ideation, and the urge to act out my inner discomfort via the external pain of self-inflicted self-injury. I want to hurt myself as punishment. It seems logical to me, but I’m aware that I am the only one who sees my logic.
I am far enough away while I’m on holiday in another country to be able to reflect on all this without being entirely swallowed up by it emotionally. That is what holidays afford you the possibility of doing; the chance to think straight without your thoughts falling into well-used and well-rehearsed grooves of epic crapness.
Quite why my thoughts sometimes darken, even when on luxury holidays, is a mystery and a slight annoyance to me, but I guess a balanced view of anything has all colours and shades from light to dark. Just as I described in the scene I can see from the bed I’m lay blogging on at the beginning of this post, there are many shades and a spectrum of colours from the dark shadows to patches of golden light in that scene.
Life is that view. Happiness involves tinges of sadness. A sadness that I guess hits at the point you realise that life isn’t always this happy, nor is always going to be this happy.
…But it’s happy today and it was happy yesterday and I hope for happiness tomorrow. That is living for me, as good as it gets. Happiness now, yesterday, and the hope of more to come. That is good and that is ok.
I thought of my time in the psych ward earlier this afternoon while taking some time out to mindfully colour in with my adult colouring in book. That memory was triggered by a nice tweet from the chief executive of my NHS Trust, congratulating me on my local news interview, describing it as ‘brave, honest and inspiring”. In the women’s ward at that hospital…the place that was my base for three suicidal stays, I had no inspiration or hope or bravery left. I was also not very honest when I attempted to reassure the doctors that I was safe to leave when I really wasn’t.
I was stuck in the shadows back then, with no hope of the golden light ever returning to my inner landscape, but it has. I’m living the golden light on this holiday. This is my reward for hanging on through all the crap of what happened previously and all the chronic suicidality to my thoughts and feelings.
This is my view right now.
This is what I described. This is life combined in one snapshot. The difficulty is when all our picture is shadow. That is when suicidality is possible. But as long as there is both shadow and light in the picture in our horizons, we have hope don’t we?
Hope isn’t about there being no shadow at all in the picture hanging proudly on your wall. It’s about hanging on till you have a life picture that imcorporates both the shadow AND light AND the inbetween. Life with shadow AND light is a life in balance.
…So please never stress that there is shadow in your picture. Just be grateful when at least some of your picture is light. That is where the hope creeps in and dominates the picture more and more.
This is why we call the good bits of living the “highlights”.
The light contrasts with the shadows, to appreciate that light there must be shadows, and to enjoy life is to acknowledge the shadows are there, but to always turn your head to notice the highlights.
Philosophy. Done 👍💪👊