MY BAD

Morning coffee crumpled duvet

View in front just like a movie

Rustic beams farmhouse walls

Sunken valley swallows call 

Clothes laid over whicker chair

Mirror leaning vacant stare

Nothingness here on holiday 

Nothing much to do or say

“Enjoy this empty” husband says

Won’t be long till airport day

Relish simple relish France 

Do a private happy dance

If the world a stage, be a star

Searched high and low for this and travelled far

If peace is what you’re after

Destination happy ever after

Appreciate companion’s sound of laughter 

Act like a loon I say- the better the dafter 😛😜


That was a four minute poem tapped out while I waited for my breakfast in bed to be bought up. How lady muckish does that sound!? 

I’m appreciating the self-indulgence of this holiday so much and the lack of routine. I’m also appreciating the generosity of my hubby who is keeping me fed and watered while I fully embrace nothingness.

I am feeling sad feelings which have been prickling me since yesterday, and I think it’s because yesterday I began to come down after my initial excited high of being here on my hollibobs. 

I have a bizarre emotional relationship with emotion, and life itself. I’ll level with you- I like to be high in mood. I like to sail far higher than your standard kite. I chase highs and I live for them. My highs make life worth living, because they are in contrast to my chronic suicidality of thinking and feeling. If I’m high, I can’t think of how much I want to die, because wanting to not exist anymore is utterly incongruent with feeling high. 

My feelings of wishing I didn’t exist have been particularly bad lately, and these feelings are hanging around in spite of me having achieved some pretty impressive things lately.  I think trying to come off my meds is responsible for some of this downturn in state. I think seasonal factors are also partly responsible. April to June is my annual peak of suicidality and this has been the case for the last four years. Memories came up strongly last night of my hospital admissions, which is why I felt I had to note those memories in my summerSHINES blog.

The period of time from the clocks changing to the summer solstice is extremely unsettled for me. I associate this time with crisis and danger. I associated it with a panicked fear of living. How do I compute that very real fear and very resistant suicidality of thought though, against being on a luxury holiday with my family in the sunshine in another country?

I am far enough away to not be in danger. I don’t really want to hurt myself at all. So therefore there should be no issue. But the memory and bad association is what haunts me. The PTSD is what casts the shadow. And it plays that powerful mind trick on me even when I’m on a luxury holiday. 

What I need to figure out is how to get the negative stuff to stop bugging me while I’m away.  I need to figure out how I can push this away. 

I tried to leave my baggage at Manchester airport. It worked well as a strategy in the beginning. Now I need something stronger and more powerful.

It is easy for people to advise me to simply “not dwell on the bad stuff”. Believe me, I am trying to do that with sheer will power. I am certainly not having bad memories and bad feelings by choice. 

Will power alone though doesn’t work. Will power and motivation isn’t enough by itself. I need actual concrete top-up strategies to help me achieve what positive will power alone can’t fix.

That’s what I’m in need of.

I’ll try mindfulness as I already have been doing. But what else can I do? Does anyone have practical suggestions for how I can keep the bad stuff out of my psyche while on holiday? Or even how I can acknowledge that there is bad stuff intruding, but find a way to accept it? 

Comments and suggestions welcome please. Thanks X

SummerSHINES 



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11 thoughts on “MY BAD

  1. I have found making lists on what I am thankful for helps. I love to watch funny videos of babies and animals on youtube. That always makes me feel happy. At home, I have different art projects I work on. I think about what I’m going to make and go online to get new ideas. It can be as simple as making a birthday card to painting in watercolor pencils or acrylic. It takes a lot of planning to create something and I enjoy it.

    Of course, I know you know I’m a Christian and so for me, when really bad thoughts come, I quote some of my favorite Bible verses, read in the Psalms (those people had big problems and were depressed or angry) and pray. This always helps.

  2. That’s really useful thanks. I like the idea of breaking down my day into hours. I used to do that when I was suicidal and focus on surviving the next hour, but I think I could adapt it as you suggest. I think im going to meditate first the rest of this hour then have a long indulgent soak in the bath for the hour after. Then sleep 😇

  3. I am not a professional, I only know that when I was going through a bad time, I started living only by the hour that I was in, what was going on right at that moment was all that mattered. When the bad thoughts drifted in, I used a ‘safe word’ I decided upon a word that would remind of a very happy event, or a time when things were really going great and I immediately made myself concentrate on that for a few moments, then I would make myself think ‘right, what I am doing for the next hour or so?’. In other words I created a diversion. Hope this helps somewhat. Enjoy your holiday.

  4. You’re welcome! Hope it helps! I’ve heard yoga is really good too.

  5. It was yummy. The food is a real pleasure and hubby is looking after me so well :) I have had some lovely moments today…they are all bound together in sad feelings though 😣

  6. The thoughts are going to come…let them come….they will go. They are time limited. (although most of the time, it’s not quick enough for me, but they are for sure time limited) It usually means I just sit and wait it out. Try to listen to the sounds of real life (birds, trees rustling, street noise, kid noise) even coming out of a flashback the sounds of the present will filter in. I hope your breakfast in bed was delicious! xx :-)

CHAT TO ME (I am actually human)

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