Morning coffee crumpled duvet

View in front just like a movie

Rustic beams farmhouse walls

Sunken valley swallows call 

Clothes laid over whicker chair

Mirror leaning vacant stare

Nothingness here on holiday 

Nothing much to do or say

“Enjoy this empty” husband says

Won’t be long till airport day

Relish simple relish France 

Do a private happy dance

If the world a stage, be a star

Searched high and low for this and travelled far

If peace is what you’re after

Destination happy ever after

Appreciate companion’s sound of laughter 

Act like a loon I say- the better the dafter 😛😜

That was a four minute poem tapped out while I waited for my breakfast in bed to be bought up. How lady muckish does that sound!? 

I’m appreciating the self-indulgence of this holiday so much and the lack of routine. I’m also appreciating the generosity of my hubby who is keeping me fed and watered while I fully embrace nothingness.

I am feeling sad feelings which have been prickling me since yesterday, and I think it’s because yesterday I began to come down after my initial excited high of being here on my hollibobs. 

I have a bizarre emotional relationship with emotion, and life itself. I’ll level with you- I like to be high in mood. I like to sail far higher than your standard kite. I chase highs and I live for them. My highs make life worth living, because they are in contrast to my chronic suicidality of thinking and feeling. If I’m high, I can’t think of how much I want to die, because wanting to not exist anymore is utterly incongruent with feeling high. 

My feelings of wishing I didn’t exist have been particularly bad lately, and these feelings are hanging around in spite of me having achieved some pretty impressive things lately.  I think trying to come off my meds is responsible for some of this downturn in state. I think seasonal factors are also partly responsible. April to June is my annual peak of suicidality and this has been the case for the last four years. Memories came up strongly last night of my hospital admissions, which is why I felt I had to note those memories in my summerSHINES blog.

The period of time from the clocks changing to the summer solstice is extremely unsettled for me. I associate this time with crisis and danger. I associated it with a panicked fear of living. How do I compute that very real fear and very resistant suicidality of thought though, against being on a luxury holiday with my family in the sunshine in another country?

I am far enough away to not be in danger. I don’t really want to hurt myself at all. So therefore there should be no issue. But the memory and bad association is what haunts me. The PTSD is what casts the shadow. And it plays that powerful mind trick on me even when I’m on a luxury holiday. 

What I need to figure out is how to get the negative stuff to stop bugging me while I’m away.  I need to figure out how I can push this away. 

I tried to leave my baggage at Manchester airport. It worked well as a strategy in the beginning. Now I need something stronger and more powerful.

It is easy for people to advise me to simply “not dwell on the bad stuff”. Believe me, I am trying to do that with sheer will power. I am certainly not having bad memories and bad feelings by choice. 

Will power alone though doesn’t work. Will power and motivation isn’t enough by itself. I need actual concrete top-up strategies to help me achieve what positive will power alone can’t fix.

That’s what I’m in need of.

I’ll try mindfulness as I already have been doing. But what else can I do? Does anyone have practical suggestions for how I can keep the bad stuff out of my psyche while on holiday? Or even how I can acknowledge that there is bad stuff intruding, but find a way to accept it? 

Comments and suggestions welcome please. Thanks X