HEART OF TERROR

I didn’t think I’d be writing this kind of post today. Half asleep and still dozy I was alerted out of my sleepy stupor by a sudden groan of my husband. What. WHAT? I asked urgently. My PTSD brain immediately poised for panic.

“It’s Manchester. A terror attack…………. FFS” he said.

“Fuck” I said.

THUD.

Heart sink.

‘No, not Manchester. Not the city I was in only last Saturday.’ thinks me.

“It’s an Ariana Grande concert, loads of teenage kids there, girls mainly” he said.

“Oh god”. I said.

I lay there in silence, in shock. I thought immediately of my family. ‘They are there, 20 minutes away from Manchester. But I cannot connect with them just because this has happened’. I weigh that up quickly in my logical mind.

My emotion mind says different.

I think then of my girls. They want to go to a concert coming up soon in Newcastle. Their first one. ‘I don’t want them to go’, I scream (in silence, in my head).

‘I don’t want them out of my sight. The world is cruel. People are evil. Trust no-one. Nowhere is safe’. I think.

I am still triggered from watching the harrowing but FANTASTIC BBC programme, Three Girls, about the sex trafficking network in Rotherham. I watched three episodes of that back to back.

The world is evil and people are evil.

Organised crime is on my mind, after my recent [unwanted] trip to the North-West. Networks of powerful people trying to hide their crimes’ are on my mind…..Now the fucking terrorists, advancing North.

It is becoming one of the more pressing problems in society. Attacks like this are happening with increasing severity. The world is corrupt and volatile and unpredictable. What a hostile climate for our children growing up into :(

Since the wars ended, we have got used to living in a relatively civilised way. We are relatively safe. But along came terrorism.

Not only do I know lots of people who live in Manchester, but I was there, days earlier. Triggered. Hating every second of being in that awful place with all those awful memories attached like shitty cheap key-rings you can’t untangle off your house keys.

Not now, Not Manchester.

But that is selfish. I am not affected. I was NOT at the Ariana Grande concert. I am NOT one of the parents trying to find their missing children. I am NOT one of the people waiting on people in critical conditions in the 8 hospitals where people are being treated at. I do not believe I know any of the causalities, or those injured….as far as I am aware.

[My family are not your archetypal Ariana Grande fans. Not her target market.]

The cruelty of TARGETTING children is fucking low brow. The lowest and scummiest of the conceivable low.

Am I angry at the terrorist? yes, of course I’m angry. WE ALL ARE.

“Look for the helpers. Reassure yourself of the wonderful way Manchester pulled together in the aftermath of this attack,” people say.

Yeah, that’s one way to look at it, and definitely something to be celebrated. But does that philosophy make this hurt any less? Does it compensate? No. It doesn’t.

I am not even going to begin to say I can empathise with how the people in Manchester are feeling right now. I am not going to insult anyone by saying I know how the bereaved friends and relatives and injured traumatised people are going to be feeling right now. I can NOT. If I did not know if my child was dead or alive, fuck knows how I would cope.

BUT, I do know trauma. I do know TERROR. I do know evil. I do know corruption. I do know about organised crime networks. I do know fear. I do know panic. I do know rage. I do know what it feels like to live with a broken heart which you believe can never be fixed. I know what it’s like to live with physical and psychological injuries. I do know what it’s like to trust and have that trust broken down. I do know what it feels like to be the victim of injustice. And I do know the intrusive life-altering utter chaos of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know what it’s like to be scared of a bang. I know what it’s like to run for my life. I know the feeling of heat from a crowd of children moving en masse. I know what it’s like to be around traumatised children as they are being traumatised; traumatised by the very evilest of adults.

I know what it’s like for one person’s life to end, and your pain to just begin.

MANCHESTER. I cannot even begin to comprehend what you are going through, but MY HEART IS WITH YOU.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

summerSHINES©

To the Manchester bomber….

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18 thoughts on “HEART OF TERROR

  1. :( I know. I feel stunned and have not really had any words to say today. Are you in Manchester yourself? I was just passing through at the weekend x

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  2. What saddens me is how we all only get whipped into a frenzy when these things happen on our doorstep, yet decidedly little is said about those innocent lives lost in other places. I get why that’s the case as it’s more relatable when nearby, but it still makes me feel sad. We should all care this much no matter where it happens. I hope you’re well, Sumani. X

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  3. Its just devastating, I can’t even find words. My cousin and her girls travelled down from Scotland for the concert but thankfully were not hurt, not physically. My heart breaks for the people affected.

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  4. Yep…I take your point. I think location does matter. I think we can’t possibly take on the burden though of all the atrocities in all parts of the world all of the time. We would become overloaded. So we restrict our focus to protect ourselves and only takes notice when it is close to home. It has deeply affected me, like nothing else but 9.11. Are you ok? And everyone you know? I’m not well to be honest hun…but trying my absolute best to stay afloat. Sumani.

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  5. I am relieved they are not physically hurt, though obviously psychological wounds are different and will remain. 😔 I have been word-less myself 😢😢😢 I can’t watch the news. I just cry 😔 I can’t imagine how the people who were there must feel 😔

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  6. Like I said, I get it. It makes absolute sense and you’ve justified it perfectly there. One can’t be pissed off at everything all the time. I’ve refrained from saying too much about it all on social media. My thoughts and feelings go out to all affected. It doesn’t need me posting on Facebook to confirm that. I haven’t heard news of anybody I know having been directly affected so I’ll glean positives from that. I hope another peak is imminently inbound after the trough you’re presently sat in. Ride that wave like Seabiscuit when it comes along. X

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  7. I first heard about this awful news via my WP dashboard while publishing my first post back from blogging break today. (Come back earlier to blogging than planned.) It’s awful that this is happening in this day and age and why people have to cause these atrocities. It’s unfortunate we are having different attacks happening a lately in the world this year.

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  8. I was mortified when I heard. I’m nowhere near Manchester and definitely don’t know what the folks over there are going through but my heart goes out to them.

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  9. I’ll definitely do the seabiscuit thing asap 😊 Nice image to aim for there…I think with the Manchester attack, it isn’t only down to location that we’ve all taken notice, it’s the juxtaposition of an entertaining pop concert experience for the youth, and ISIS extremism. It’s the deliberatenes of targeting young people and children. It wasn’t a random thing. It’s a huge gesture. Every life matters. I believe children’s lives being lost to terror is the shocking and abhorrent element though and is even harder to stomach. Every parent can relate to the fear of their children not coming back, or the teenager not knowing how to find their family or get home. 😔

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  10. What these terrorists don’t seem to understand is that it doesn’t help their “cause” to kill innocent people, especially young ones. It only brings more bombs their way. I’m so sorry for everyone who was at the concert and those families of those who were physically harmed.

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  11. What kind of cult is it that thinks its OK to use our children as pieces of meat in towns such as Rochdale, and to deliberately target a concert full of children for a nail bomb?
    What kind of cult thinks its OK to treat women as second class citizens and make them cover themselves in bin bags?
    Yea, I get not all Muslims are like that but if you gave me a bag of smarties and told me just the one of them is poisonous and would kill me – I’d get rid of the whole bag of smarties.
    I speak from experience – i wouldn’t trust a single one of them.

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  12. I think it’s natural to be distrustful and angry towards groups of people IF you have had personal bad experiences with them and I know you have Billy. Personally I have a dislike and distrust of men, because I was exploited by (mainly) men. All the worst crimes were perpetrated by men, so my PTSD is activated by men, just because they are similar to my abusers. I know objectively not all men are racists. Just as we know ISIS extremists are not reprentative of all muslims. But if terrorists caught tend to look a certain way, we jump to conclusions and make generalisations which are both understandable but also unfair. I’m sorry you have had bad personal experiences Billy. 😔

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CHAT TO ME [I am human] ;)

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