I haven’t been in the usual routine today. Why? It is un-seasonally hot in England today. Ergo my fellow tiny island dwellers, including me, go bonkers. We are not accustomed to such high temperatures, especially in the coastal bit I live in the North-East. People up here are known for their fake tans and ability to not feel the cold when we go out for a night on the toon in midwinter wearing little more than a tea towel and usually sacrificing underwear to boot. Sometimes even the ladies do this ;) We don’t feel the icy cold (supposedly) in the winter, but we are NOT accustomed to temperatures much above 12 degrees centigrade. Today is approximately 22 degrees in the air.
This is pure lunacy.
There is also very little breeze.
This is even more startling. This is one of the windiest places I have ever been. I assume coastal Scotland and the Shetlands etc are windier, but as Britain goes, we are well acquainted with gusty wind. That sounds ruder than it is, I promise.
I have spent much of the day out in my garden with my dogs, and husband who was pretending to work. The only intrusion was a stroll round the shops in the seaside place nearby which we rarely go to but all the tourists go to. We pretended to be tourists, but after a while realised we had seen enough driftwood and glass coasters and handmade jewellery for one day, and got an ice cream drizzled with strawberry sauce.
I have had moments of bliss today. I am never happier than when I am stroking the soft head or tickling the belly of my golden Labrador. I am less happy when the little runt (mis-sold as a pedigree) dog plonked itself on me while I was lay back in the lounger, having been feeling uber relaxed only seconds before.
Blissful moments where I am mindfully in the present are special and welcome. I have a lot of traumatic memories bubbling in the cauldron of my subconscious, waiting for their optimum time to scare the shit out of me like a Jack-in-a-box gone evil.
I know that stuff is there. I feel it. I’m aware of it. I will remember. My dissociative amnesic walls are about to be breached, I know it and I feel it.
Today I have basked in the simplicity and zero demand pressure of lying in the sun in the unseasonally hot heat. I did a 4 mile training run this morning and a bath. The bath was considerably easier than the run. I also did a quick blog post expressing my joy that Katie Hopkins has been sacked. But apart from that I have done n.o.t.h.i.n.g. and embraced the sensory distraction of fresh air and the sight of crops gently swaying in patterns of the light ever-changing breeze. I have stroked my pooches and chatted and planned our new decked area with my hubby of shine. I have done everything I could to push the horrible stuff away.
Not tomorrow either.
It can wait till therapy next week… I hope.
It is horrible being in a sense of PTSD threat, while lay on a sun lounger planning garden decking. You would think everything would just conveniently float away into the atmosphere of nature. But it is a constant process of becoming aware of something nasty, then trying to consciously put my focus on something alternative and nice.
It gets tiring.
There is lots happening psychologically with me, but I don’t want to write about it here and now. I don’t want to give it the respect of delving into it or trying to describe it. It can stay in there cooking a bit longer before it sees the bright light of day, as far as I’m concerned.
I just want simplicity and solitude and low pressure and minimal stimulation and minimal people. I don’t feel sociable with anyone except my husband of shine and my kids. I have deleted messenger. I can’t communicate. It is too much for my brain and heart. I am overwhelmed and need simplicity, am craving peace, and also distraction from the badness inside.
There is badness inside me, in terms of horrible experiences I endured as a child but have yet to fully remember…but I am not bad. I am a good person, who has bad memories.
Trauma reminds me it is all still there inside. I wish it was somewhere other than just underneath, about to burst through, but it is what it is. Que Sera.
That’s all I can say for today. Time to switch off everything and just cope every moment, moment after moment….the way I always live….from moment to moment.