I did therapy today. It hurt. I cried. 16 tissues; nope not one for all of my issues. I have more than 16 issues.
It was tough. Therapy is brutal, but also brilliant. Honesty. Confrontation, in the heathiest way. Being forced to answer difficult questions. Being encouraged to incorporate the wisdom of your therapist guide. She went to therapy school and studied psychology in depth. She ‘gets’ people. She understands. My judgement of others is sorely lacking, I’m realising how wrong I am getting it. Quite consistent wrongness. I have muchos textbook awareness about people, but my unmet emotional needs lead me to gravitate towards people I really shouldn’t be hanging out with.
It’s wrong to judge, say the pious advice offerers of this world. Never judge a book by it’s cover, so say the old wives who tell their presumptuous tales.
So that is what I tried to do, quite some time ago….I tried NOT to judge, to not form judgements at all (if they were negative), to give people all of the benefits, ignoring all or any of my inbuilt doubt.
A bad vibe from someone? A nagging gut feel that someone is not coming across in a way that makes you comfortable? Wrong, surely.” Ignore it, that’s judging. Judging is wrong,” say the judgemental people that say judging is wrong :P
Nothing is good or bad, no one is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. We MUST change our thoughts and judgements so we suspend all judging, say the enlightened ones. Do not label people are good or bad. Just accept everyone as they are.
summerSHINES says “BOLLOCKS to that”.
Judging is protective. What about taking that angle on it? Judging has clear benefits, and actively refraining from our natural human judging has potentially bad social consequences. But we are taught that we shouldn’t listen to signals we receive that are transmitted from other humans warning us off them.
said in exaggerated American teen accent I am soooo totally NOT going to listen to that socially useful vibe that this person is not trustworthy, not genuine, not who they are presenting themselves to be, not half as good as they’re making themselves out to be….or a complete jerk slash bitch-face-cow. Nope, because judging is categorically w.r.o.n.g.
BENEFITS OF DOUBTS WERE HANDED OUT BY ME WILLY NILLY! Story of my fucking life! Not all of the time admittedly, and to absolutely everyone, but in an effort to incorporate Buddhist teachings into my child raised as catholic brainwashing, I gave the benefits of the doubt to FAR more people in my life and social circle than actually deserve it.
I do have a half decent bullshit-o-meter that alarms when I am exposed to people who are not good for me, on whatever level, but some slip through the net and I hear the alarm sounding but press on regardless, because I am trying to be “the nicer person”.
Where has that left me? In a state of epic shitness actually.
I am full of regret for the bullshitters I have allowed into my thoughts, into my heart, onto my blog follower list, into my Facebook friends list, into my phone contacts list, even into my actual house. I am regretting photographs I have shared, video messages I have shared, voicemails I have left people, truths I have shared, pain I have exposed, and people I have needlessly shed valuable tears for. These are people who are not worth FUCK ALL to me, yet they believe they are the dogs bollocks to humanity.
I am starting to recognise the patterns of bullshittery that I am vulnerable to, and I am distancing myself from the human sources of that bullshittery.
My particular line of bullshitters that I seem drawn to again and again, to the point it is becoming BORING is narcissistic cunts. I come across narcissistic cunts ten-a-penny. I have an uncanny knack of finding them in my everyday line, sometimes offline, but usually online, and bam, they hook me in with their narcissistic bullshittery.
WELL DONE. Round of applause for the narcissists. HOORAY!
Another narcissist-traited human I sniffed out. Or is it more them finding me? I think so. I guess on first impressions I must be a narcissist’s dream.
You were born to be a narcissistic target summerSHINES. Back of the net! Another narcissistic prick to mark off on the tally chart.
YOU ARE BRILLIANT AT FINDING THEM summerSHINES! AND THEY FLOCK TO YOU LIKE BEES ROUND A HIVE!
CONGRAT-U-FUCKING-LATIONS YOU NARCISSIST ATTRACTING LEGEND.
The fact that the unmet needs of a borderliner like me, meet the unmet emotional needs of the insecure and manipulative narcissist is TEXTBOOK. Classic cliché!
BPD peeps and NPD peeps sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G!
(I don’t actually kiss them. That’s a metaphor. I did kiss one once, but my husband knows about that so it is hardly front [blog] page news.)
I detect narcissistic, abusive, using, manipulating, exploitative, free-loading cunts sooner than before, but the fact that even any people like this use up my valuable time and energy at all is too much for my liking.
I am DONE with bullshittery.
NOT MY MONKEY. NOT MY CIRCUS.
Times are changing.
No more cunts.
That’s the basic and simple truth of the matter.
….And that is what therapy taught me today :)
That life lesson was worth 16 tissues.
I feel better now :)