Don’t deny me that positive ending I always wanted.

Don’t deny me that feeling of fair emotional closure.

Don’t deny me that feeling of internal satisfaction, that despite our differences I was able to work it through with you and end the doctor/patient relationship on a positive note; feeling I had previously been unwell, that you had helped me, and now we were parting with me in a position of being emotionally and psychologically weller than I had ever historically been.

Don’t deny me that.

Don’t change from being that person I wished you could represent for me. That caring person. That person who always had my best interests at heart. That person who tried to protect me from harm with your well thought out perceptive advice.

Don’t spoil it. Don’t ruin my ending. Don’t aggravate me right at the end, on our very last meeting. WHY on earth did you do that?

Was it deliberate?

Was it planned?

What was your motivation and rationale?

How have you excused it and justified it as being ok in your head?

Do you have any guilt at all?

Do you have any pangs of regret? Now you know I’m complaining about you?

Do you feel fear? Are you feeling anxiety but are able to push it away in your clinical detached seemingly devoid of emotion type way?

One word against another.

David v Goliath.

The consultant, up against the EUPD patient with the diagnosed PD. Hmmm, the odds are hardly stacked in my favour are they. And you know that. You’re playing and counting on that.

Who will the complaints board believe? The consultant psychiatrist in the trust? Or little old me?

One is telling the truth. She is smaller in status but a speaker of truth. The other is distorting the truth for her convenience, offering up a plate of flat outright denial.

Medical ethics seem to have flown right out that therapy room window don’t they, now I am opposing your authority and saying “Dr, please excuse me but THAT WAS REALLY NOT OK by me…what you did, what you said, how you said it. Nope. I’m not having that”.

I’m not intimidated by you. I used to be. But I’m not now.

I will pursue this formal complaint against you. You will have to answer to this. You will have to be put under professional scrutiny. Not my fault. If you hadn’t behaved like that I wouldn’t be needing to complain, would I.

But what you are doing, by playing the game of denial, is denying me my nice ending. You are leaving me in another scenario where I have to get over the loss of someone who turned out (when their true colours made an appearance), to be not what they painted themselves as. Not nearly as nice or truthful or honest or sensitive or fair and balanced.

I MUST stop allowing myself to have contact with toxic people, whether they are mental health clinicians put in place for my NHS mental health care, or people masquerading as so-called “friends”.

“I’ll be your friend. I’ll look after you”, chime the human shapeshifters.

“I want what is good for you”, says the doctor.

“Bollocks”, says the patient or friend that is me.

I’ll stick to the ones in my life who I know are who they say they are, and who genuinely care and will remain loyal, as I will to them.

I never expected a happy ever after with you, I just wanted my happy ending……some healing closure, to tie the difficult emotionally charged doctor-patient relationship up with a neat little bow so I could put it to rest in my mind.

Don’t deny me that.

deny

It isn’t much for me to ask, is it? In the psychological context of the last four years of my psychologically broken down life?

Don’t deny me that simple but crucial thing doctor, please.

summerSHINES

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