For once, I don’t know what to think.

Life now is fluid and ever changing. I agreed to a conciliatory meeting with the psychiatrist, but after spelling out my exact expectations and boundaries, she responded saying she doesn’t think a meeting is a good idea.

What am I to think?

It’s confirmation [I feel with a thud] that I will not get the outcome that I want. I will not get my reparative apology, because she is still insisting that what I am complaining about didn’t happen, so it falls to the formal complaints process which ultimately will persist and get me nowhere. I will follow it though, as I am doing what is right to protect myself and other patients who are too fearful to go against her.

No happy endings.

Why? because I said I was bullshit intolerant and I wouldn’t stand for it, but she wants to carry on with her bullshit. She is attached to it.

I prefer truth.

I don’t know what to think. I am bewildered. I am empty. I give up, I really seriously honestly do. My blog tagline says inspirer. Sorry, I step down from that aim.

I don’t have the energy to cry. Numbness is all that is left.

Numbness, loss, resentment, hurt and sadness.

The big five.

Hey though, I’ll survive…won’t I?

I have already expressed myself till my throat aches. My heart cannot hurt anymore. It is switched off and disconnected.

I flicker the switch off. I rest my heart.

The body keeps on moving, however slowly.

The mind works, but still it makes no sense of the senseless. Cognition is nothing when it is trying to process the non sensicle.

But it does make sense, from her perspective, why she is taking this course of action. She is looking out for number one- herself as a clinician and professional.

I will look out for myself, by myself, within myself.

I will swaddle myself up tightly so no toxicity can enter.

I will rebuild my walls and will NOT let them tumble down.

Beyoncé got that wrong.

I’ll hide in the light of my halo. I’ll find my angel now.