I’m drowsy today and that’s a good thing. Today is the first time in 7 days I’ve felt remotely relaxed. It took some chemicals to do that granted, but so what. I cut too…just superficially, enough to see neat lines of beaded blood, like the delicate necklaces that would belong to my grandma, laid out across my abdomen.
It didn’t hurt. It never does. It just gives a brief rush and then calms me. I can deal with the adrenaline come down headache afterwards. I’m just glad I left some external markers of my inner turmoil. It isn’t right to experience such intense inner pain without some token attempts to externalise it and transfer the inside pain to the outside. Not advocating self harm as a brilliant idea by the way, just reporting what it feels for me.
I liked swallowing the tablets. I feel powerful. I like getting the blade in hand. I feel powerful. Sad that those things are what it takes for me to feel the master of my destiny but it’s the truth.
I’m always careful with my self harming. It’s rarely out of hand. Just enough to do the trick. I do it to manipulate emotions that won’t behave themselves by normal means using my typical coping strategies.
Despite the wonderful and epic advice from the trained professional yesterday to “be optimistic”, for some bizarre reason I am just not feeling cheery. His magic words have not yielded what he hoped. Bless him for trying but c’mon. Get real NHS. You need better staff.
I have little to say except I’m relieved I don’t feel as awful as yesterday. I get to a point where I have to act and do something. I did that and it’s eased things a little.
My relief is temporary but at least I have relief now and right now I’m living moment by drowsy moment.
Peace at last. Chilling with my dogs.