A brief meander through my thoughts…….
Heavy fur coats in a wooden wardrobe part left, right and above, and I’m met with the chilly air of Narnia inhaled up my shocked nostrils. I need mind clearing via writing.
The run today and the constant socialising of the last 24 hours has overloaded me, in the very wonderful-est of ways. Time spent with nice humans….not terrorist suicide bomber ones…nice ones….the types of humans that have thoughtfully been left on this planet by whoever decides what happens to remind me it is not the whole world that’s turned rotten.
Emotionally I’m in chaos….For heaven sakes tell me something NEW summerSHINES!? I am dumbfounded at this startling revelation that all is not as it should be in this little psychologically distorted brain box of mine.
My heart feels all kinds of you should be noticing this because it’s important for your emotional survival type things, but for once they are not mainly bad things. They are instead, mainly good things. So much goodness flies, like arrows direct at me…..Good wishes, friends who genuinely and sincerely care and actually want me to survive and thrive and prosper and be spared some of the negative crap I feel mostly every day.
‘I love you, you make me smile, thanks for what you write, you’re a brilliant friend, you’re amazing, you’re so strong, don’t know what I’d do without you’, they say in separate messages to me, independent of other people also doing that same thing at different times….I’m not the subject of some bizarre conspiracy of niceness that is all an illusion. I do matter to my friends, and I hope also to some people who read my blog privately too.
I often forget that people read summerSHINES yet don’t tell me “I read summerSHINES”.
So much of the effect of what I put out is hidden from me. All I can rely on as a gauge of how this blog and my writing and charity volunteering affects or helps anyone and goes down is based on what people directly tell me. I am still always shocked when I hear of people reading my blog who I didn’t know actually read my blog, or how they might have read a post written way back by me, and it actually ‘speak to them’ and assist them in some way today.
I am utterly blinkered and protected and cushioned and bubble-wrapped. I’m a person who raises kids by day/evening and types stuff about what I think and feel…what I worry about, what I’m proud of, what makes me sad, what things I’m wising up to, what mistakes I’m making, how I can’t for the life of me fathom myself and my personality and the personalities of others, both as individuals and social groups and all the things I find funny, difficult or annoying. I totally forgot it’s read by strangers across the world!
I know my loyal commenters and likers obviously….but the rest of you who come across this blog and don’t say anything and just read quietly I just don’t know you and who you are! I don’t know what effects either positive, negative or indifferent I have on you.
Today I ran my 10k charity run with a blogger friend (amongst a group of others), and she is new to blogging but really brilliant at it; fresh and funny and brutally honest and uniquely herself with no bullshit or pretences. We ran together and we chatted about the power we have as people in doing what we do. Her and I don’t do our thing in the exact same way, but there is enough commonality to make me view her as a highly compatible soul twin. She is stumbling on Narnia as I am too, meandering her way forward into recovery, and it’s far better we explore and meander through the snowy wilderness together rather than apart. Two become one, [just without the spice girls soundtrack and sex part] :P
Meandering involves being lost and being confused and sometimes being very single minded and determined and clear about heading in totally the wrong direction doesn’t it? To meander anywhere involves periods of compass pin pointed accuracy, and also a lot of lost wandering and wrong turns and slow paced floating.
Right now I’m a lost wanderer who is floating and trying to ground and anchor myself.
I had my crisis last week and feared I might be heading straight into a double dip second crisis yesterday morning (as if the first one hadn’t been enough), but my friends arriving yesterday rescued me.
Lately I’ve needed a lot of rescuing from lots of people.
I’m not liking my birthday and the NHS complaint and the whole full moon and upcoming summer solstice situation. Nope.
What I need to do I think is meditate LOTS and run lots and be creative and indulge in music and nature. I also need to back off socially a bit and decide where to prioritise my focus and what exactly my goals are.
I’m basically walking on the decks of a ship in stormy seas and need to make sure I have a rain mac and wellies to keep me dry. I need to beef up my distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills and remember all the DBT therapy skills I learned and have since forgotten with the (I believed ‘finished with’) therapy notes I literally threw away in the recycle bin.
I’m meandering and I’m lost, but at least I have an awareness I’m lost.
Narnia is ok if you have friends exploring the wilderness with you. Easier anyway.
Once I get my wellies and mac the ship on the stormy sea should be no problem. What harm can a little weather do?
But for tonight, this meandering mental health blogger needs her sleep after a couple of
days, weeks, months, years, decades of emotional baggage excess.
Ps. To finish, below is the best compliment I got today from one of my kids….that makes this meanderer smile before I doze off to sleep 😊