Why am I in this place? Is is really only because of her and her and her him and him and him, and you?

Each her or him represents a person who I am hurting from emotionally in response to interacting with them. In fact I could add many more hers and hims to the post if I were to attempting to accurately convey just how many people have created upset for me (intended or not) these last few weeks.

Wave your hand if you’re inter-personally sensitive picture mental health blogger waving

I might as well be waving my white flag in surrender too, to be honest, such is the amount of social and interpersonal defeat I’m feeling right now.

Depressed is my starting point + added conflict = ice-cold suicidal misery cocktails.

Abused children grow up knowing and believing their survival depends on maintaining good relationships with those they depend on, which are also sadly the significant people they’re abused by in the case of abuse perpetrated by parents or other relatives with parental responsibility. 

Fawning is the name of it.

Fawning is one of the 4 F’s. (Other ones are fight (attack), flight (escape), and freeze (dissociate). 

They are all survival techniques. 

Fawning means reading the emotions and motivations and intentions of others and manipulating our behaviour to appease and get along with those we depend on (summerSHINES description).

We want to be liked. We want to please. We want to do the right thing. We don’t want to make mistakes. We need to get it right ALL of the time, because we KNOW we will be hurt if we don’t. 

Upsetting an abuser makes us fear getting hurt. This is for good reason, as inevitably abuse follows when we mess up in some way and make a wrong move. That’s what our childhood abusers want us to think, and often explicitly tell us. They strike fear into us to control us. It’s how they get us to do what they want. It’s manipulation, so we manipulate them right back by attempting to please them. We want to stay one step ahead. If we always please, there will be no reason for us to get hurt.

As an adult I still fawn. I learned to ‘people please’. People pleasing is a colloquial term that essentially is the same as fawning.

So lately, my fawning has failed more and more. Therefore I am surviving less and less well emotionally and my positive mood juice is draining out and I’m running on empty.

I have brought more and more people into my close circle this year, and busily people pleased my way through all of these interactions with them for my emotional survival. 

If only, I think….If only I can have a large tribe wrapped round me to protect me. 

I tried to generate that tribe type protection on social media, but I’ve had to accept defeat now. That defeat happened yesterday. 

I’m basically shit at fawning.

So what do I do? Fight, flight or freeze. Which other survival strategy should I opt for?

I’ve chosen the one that involves writing arsey emails and crying and feeling suicidal desperation. Not sure which one that is (!)

Wait what….that isn’t a survival strategy that’s useful? No shit Sherlock. But it’s the best one I know in my emotionally limited and compromised ‘fucked-up by childhood trauma’ adult brain. 

I’m glad I’m off social media. So bloody glad. I don’t know how long I’ll deactivate my Facebook and messenger for….

Right now though I never want to go back on. It’s too embarassing and you threatening.

I don’t want my equilibrium ruined by people who I’ve never even met. Internet profile people who don’t even live anywhere near me nor know anything about me other than what I post (however honest my posting).

Fuck all that. I try and be as un-false as I can on social media, but it’s hard to do that as well as fawn. The two goals are incompatible. I’ve learned from bitter exoerience you can’t do both. You can’t be yourself AND people please. I tried to, but I just can’t.

It doesn’t matter your skill as a writer or the way your heart beats and pulses in just ‘the right place’. It doesn’t matter what you intend or if you believe yourself to be a good and kind person. I’m a shit fawner and people will always think of don’t measure up and call me out for it.

My bluntness doesn’t sit well with fawning. My emotional survival is compromised by it. My personality is too much for her, him and you…..So I’ll hide (flight), I’ll mentally escape (freeze), and occasionally I’ll verbally fight with blunt instruments known as words. But I know I can’t fawn, so that strategy is crossed out in my mind with red sharpie pen. draws cross through that one

I’ll protect myself in other ways. I won’t let you close enough to hurt me. I’ll lick my own wounds. I’ll survive on my own. I won’t try to please you as I know I can’t. I’ll keep myself to myself, and keep myself well away from her, him and you.

I think out of all my emotional survival options, that’s my best one to do.