I’m satisfied that I’m figuring all this out and I know what my next steps are. 

I’m satisfied that I’m getting closer to truth and spotting bullshittery, half truths, and destructive arseholery sooner. 

I’m satisfied that I know what the best thing is for my ongoing mental health and wellbeing. 

I’m satisfied that I know who my friends are, and importantly those who are not my friends but simply masquerading as them. 

I’m satisfied that I know what the boundaries are, and when pushing them is needless and useless and comes with negative emotional consequences.

I’m satisfied that the people who assume they know who this blog I’m writing is about, are definitely NOT the people who are actually in my head who are being written about 😂🙈🙊

I’m satisfied that I’m on the road to recovery, and that inevitably involves mistake-making as well as joyful celebratory “I did a brilliant thing today” MH partying.

I’m satisfied that the people who think they know me based on what they read, are NOT the people who really know me.

I’m satisfied that blogging is my thing, and something I’ll never give up. Not everyone has the capability to do this. I have the capability, therefore I’ll do this.

I’m satisfied when I feel the loving vibes emanate from those around me who love me.

I’m satisfied that I have the best life partner I could wish for. 

Last night we spoke about the future and death and mortality…..an old school friend of his has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s made us talk about things that are difficult and usually avoided. Another lovely friend of mine is awaiting biopsy results. She’s one of my soul twins and I feel for her so much. :(

No bullshit matters does it. Nope. 

….That’s why I don’t allow it (bullshit) in.

My life is tough enough anyway with my chronic illnesses, so why on earth should I logically allow anyone into my heart who does not belong there? My heart has a great capacity to love. It also has a propensity to get swamped and submerged in excessive feeling that weighs me down like the heaviest of lead in my boots. 

How can I be expected to fight this battle against mental illness, wearing the human equivalent of lead in my shoes? 

How or why should I allow in toxic energy that I pick up on empathically from these fellow soilders who are also in battle. Those lead soilers are fighting their own battles. I cannot help them with theirs, just as they cannot help me with my unique battles. It can’t be done. We either grow together, or we grow apart; becoming individual survivor badasses in our own right. That’s fair, isn’t it?

I will grow by developing my inner strength and reducing my levels of outer pressure. I can’t fight this battle with a load of lead soilders slung over my back. I’m sorry, but I’m a bit busy here trying not to drown. I’ll do what I can for those who deserve my love and those who don’t pull me down when I’m already drowning.

What matters for my family is that I don’t drown! Figuratively as well as literally. So I will seek out nothing except life bouy humans, and ensure I paddle my own canoe. I will be a bit selfish (defined as ‘I will safeguard my own mental health and eliminate anything or anyone that isn’t a bouyancy aid’.) That’s what I’ll do. I’ll also not expect anything from people beyond the basics. I’m accountable for my own issues…looking to others is a surefire way to lead you to be sometimes let down.

I’m satisfied that I know what I need to do, and also have the courage and backbone to actually do it. 

I’ll shift tides with the flick of my wrist. 

I’ll sail alone for a short while because that’s what I know is good and healthy for me. 

I will get my life ship shape. 

I’ll paddle the fuck out of this mental health disorder canoe 😁😂

Time to get buoyant. That’s my pledge to myself and for myself. Bouyancy is my new thing 👍👊✊

My first test came last night, I doodled it out and I dealt with it self-sufficiently and with muchos bouyancy 👊😇


PS. I haven’t stewed over it….much 😂