Phewzers (Wow and Phew and zers combined). I’m finally feeling okay again :)
Today has been a GOOD day. It started off with a tinge of mood wobbliness, but the day has gone from strength to strength and I have managed to upright my posture once again to the survivor badass I once was.
I have achieved lots and done it at an enjoyable unhurried but constant pace. I’ve had quality enriching conversations with genuine friends who I feel happy secure and safe with. My hubby has been around quite a bit, under the guise of “working from home”, and this week he is NOT staying away overnight anywhere. HOORAAAY!
I have done lots of thinking and reflecting today and lots of emotional processing. I have had a backlog of emotional processing to get done and today I’ve made inroads into getting that mind stuff tackled and filed away.
I love it when my mind’s inbox has less incoming messages than my outbox. That is what my social media break is allowing for and I’m already feeling the benefits.
What I have also done today is put a whole load of emotional junk in the TRASH and [importantly] emptied the folder.
Everything that had built up has now been let go of. I have simplified and streamlined my life. My life has involved amassing lots of junk lately. The junk has consisted of self-hatred (copius amounts), caring too much about what unimportant people think (well and truly learned my lesson there), pressuring myself to be inspirational to others when I am actually depressed and struggling with my own shit (no more of that), and some of that junk has sadly come in the form of specific, optional, irrelevant, intrusive and psychologically damaging humans (all narcissistic in-empathic bastards. True story.)
Junk can be people or things, and I am happier now I am not letting as many people claim their pieces of my attention and emotion. I was giving way too much to too many people.
People were encroaching on my space too much, on my privacy and solitude and listening abilities and advice giving. Too much was getting shared with me that belongs to someone else, and I was carrying that baggage along with me which was getting weighed down and mixed up with my own baggage.
When I spoke to the crisis team bloke yesterday (who was actually helpful faints) he said that when you have an online presence on a blog or vlog, some people will be inclined to attack you, but it is not feedback I should give weight too, bearing in mind these people don’t know me all that well and they are not taking anywhere near the personal risks of honest sharing that I do. It is well easy for people to attack, but unless you are doing what I’m doing, and better, jog on!
Other bloggers rarely attack me with words and insults. It is usually people who are social media readers, but not producers and creatives and people with any written talent of their own.
They are Facebook warriors, NOT real brave or sincere ones.
You can say what you like about me, but I am sincere, I am brave, I am real, I am honest, I am fully authentic, and I AM brave. I don’t impression manage or dress myself up in stage-managed bullshit. I show myself as vulnerable and broken, because that’s what I am. I will be controversial when I believe with conviction in what I am saying. I will ruffle feathers and create sparks and not everyone will like that personality quirk all of the time.
I survived extreme trauma and am still alive. I survived extreme trauma and I have been capable of maintaining a brilliant relationship and partnership for 18 years. I survived extreme trauma but have not carried on the shitty cycle by abusing my children myself. I give my girls a lot. I give my husband a lot. I give my friends a lot too.
What I have learned though is that I have wasted far too much time on some friends in particular, because I have given excessively to people who have then gone on to repeatedly trigger or drain me.
In friendships I always sell myself as I am from the beginning. I don’t have honeymoon period behaviour where I start off perfect, then become ‘me’. I am imperfect and flawed from the start and advertise myself as such. But the honeymoon period I have noticed, DOES apply to some of my social circle. They have been the perfect friend at the beginning, then they have slowly morphed into being their natural selves. I get disappointed.
I am self-confessed ruthless with friends. I have never been a friend-for-life person. I am a ‘make friends easily and quickly then move on relatively quickly’ kinda gal. That is in reflection I suppose of my intense emotionality. My friends make me feel very strong feelings of emotion or attraction or sometimes revulsion. The attraction isn’t sexual. It is a soul attraction. Sometimes the initial liking turns into negative threatening signals being transmitted out towards me. I will sometime start to feel that indefinable ‘something’ from them. That something isn’t a likable and endearing something. They are danger signals. Intuitive knowings that that person is best distanced from me, so I can remain safe and protected. They don’t know what signals they give off, so it seems….but I do.
I am self-aware and deliberate in my actions and what I say and how I behave, unless I’m in a particularly unstable phase as I have been recently. But I will always say I am poorly, I am unstable, I am bonkers, I feel shit. I try not to pretend to be okay when I’m not.
I am not going to feel guilty for being selective about who I associate with. I have no time for people who make me feel bad. Is that really odd, given I feel like killing myself a lot of the time anyway? Is it really odd and wrong that I don’t lower my standards and accept less than I deserve? I think it is admirable, and I see lots of people who are so desperate for social contact that they will tolerate anything, just so they are not alone.
I like being alone, most of the time though. If I say I am lonely it is a distinct feeling with a beginning and an end, but most of the time my alone time is happy time, so your company has to be better than my happy aloneness.
I give a lot out to my friends and I also expect a reasonable amount too of the basic things like acceptance, understanding, empathy, and patience in return. I will listen to you and try and help if I see that I can potentially do that…but I won’t spend undue time on people unresponsive and unmotivated to attend to their own personal growth and mental health treatment needs. I’m too much of an introvert to live my life purely to serve the emotional needs of others, at my own expense.
Because I know I’m a good friend, I don’t feel guilt when I cut cords. That doesn’t make me a sociopath or narcissist as those types of people wouldn’t even have tried to do the helping, supporting, listening, validating and accepting of others or seeking the good in people jazz in the beginning.
I won’t accept junk, and I won’t feel bad for asserting my expectations with an honest rationale as to why. It’s called assertiveness. It is a building block of emotionally intelligent communication and social interaction.
People think you cannot be a nice person if you refuse to put up with bullshit. Nice people never answer back….apparently. Nice people accept anything and life their lives as other’s servants………..but do they?
Or is this societal bollocks? Yep, in my view, it is.
I’m either not nice, or not stupid, and I know it is the second one!
I’m glad I expect more as an adult survivor than I received as an abused child. I’m glad I can say no to people. I’m glad I don’t have to have people in my life who I don’t want in it (I never had those options before). I do have options now, and I will exercise them till the cows come home and get pissed on vodka spiked milk at the barn.
Life is not to be endured. Life is not to be wasted. Life is not to put on a sham and hide your real self behind inauthentic masked versions of yourself. I am me. I am unfiltered. I am flawed. I am controversial. I help and inspire a lot of people by being this way, so I’m not going to change just to make my minority of haters feel more comfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable, get a better mattress! but don’t expect me to be your soft cushiony forever bed.