EYES ON ME

Message from a friend sent just now…

“I wish for you to see yourself thru my eyes, so you can see you are beautiful and your energy brilliant.”

After thanking her and feeling touched and uplifted and boosted, I replied that I’d blog about this, inspired by what she said.”

Which eyes do YOU see yourself through? Which eyes do you look at yourself from the standpoint of?

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If everyone stands in a circle from a distance and looks at exhibit a- (you), they will all see you from their own vantage point.

If you are one of those onlookers looking at exhibit a, you will have a very different viewpoint and describe me very differently than someone else standing on the opposite edge of the circle.

One of you will see me front on. Others will see me from the back. Others from all differing degrees of a side viewpoint. Which person with which eye do you care about?

Who do you listen to?

And what about your own eyes?

What about MY eyes. What do I see, when I pivot from the middle and twist to look at each one of you standing round in this circular formation around me?

You look at me. I look at you. All those eyes. All those thoughts. All those feelings of whatever description that we generate in each other.

The Freudian peeps call it “transference”, for what we see is not only what there is- we are also transferring our psychic energy from ourselves to you.

It is my life belief that human beings are energy. We are composed from energetic matter. When we have social interactive exchanges with others they are not neutral or indifferent connections, akin to computer programmes.

Humans don’t respond like computers. We respond via energetic exchange.

What does this person DO to us? we ask.

After speaking to them or reading something they have written, what do we feel, before and after? Sometimes when in reflective mood we will ask ourselves the bigger questions like ‘What are the trends? Does this person usually make us feel FABULOUS or FLAWED?’ but usually we will just react energetically and allow our souls to answer the questions.

I put myself out in the arena a lot. I blog on summerSHINES. I have written for the UK national mental health charity, Mind. I have done a vlog which was shared on their social media to all of their followers (much higher numbers than summerSHINES blog). I’ve appeared on the telly news chatting about my psychiatric breakdown. I have written Facebook posts saying “Can someone help me please. I feel suicidal today”. I publish my doodles and my videos with the risk no one will look at them, like them, watch them, comment on them. Whatevs. You get the picture. I’m pretty much out there.

I  E.X.P.O.S.E  myself to the nth degree.

I don’t hold back.

I say directly what I think and feel and why.

I give a lot of advice, support, and empathy out to many people.

I don’t blog in an isolated bubble, not caring of the effect. Yeah, this blog is for me, but I hope it is for you too.

So in my circle around me, I have made it so there are LOTS of eyes.

Celebrities and royals have the most eyes on them. Football players, football managers, TV personalities, bands, singers, artists, famous writers, fashionistas, vloggers who hit the big time. They don’t just have a single circle of people’s eyes around them. They have eons of concentric circles and CROWDS of beady eyes on them.

Some people keep their life narrow and there are few eyes resting on them, by choice. Some people have funerals and no one whatsoever attends. Some people want more eyes on them to reflect back who they are and are desperately lonely and will talk to anyone, literally anyone, a stranger in the street, because that is the only time their eye will meet another. That’s all so sad :(

The celebs and other hoarders of crowds of eyes live life in an opposite way. For some, they may deliberately cultivate it. Big brother contestants are an obvious example. Others may be famous by default, simply because they were born into fame, and they may despise it.

I think for everyone, no matter who you are, getting comfortable with the feeling of the eyes being on you, is something that can remain a lifelong and uphill battle. I am getting comfortable with having eyes on me, but this has been a very gradual process.

I am getting used to my intimate feelings, thoughts, opinions and personal experiences being public. I used to read mental health blogs when I was just mentally exploring my emotional world for the first time. Maybe you yourself are at that stage right now. I used to think how on earth do these bloggers have the confidence to write like that? and strangers across the world read their words. My mind boggled at that possibility. I always thought “wouldn’t it be amazing if I could do that”. Now I am.

I get positive validation, praise, reassurance, agreement, admiration and respect for this. Those are the rewards. I also get critique, disagreement, challenge, prickliness, and intrusive unsolicited critical comments and advice from insensitive people who don’t understand mental illness. That is the downside.

The whole process of blogging is about learning to be yourself, comfortably, in a public arena where you are faced with the good, the bad and the ugliness of humanity all at once.

Some eyes belong to humans that dislike me. Some eyes belong to humans who nod their head in agreement with what I say and value me for saying it. Some eyes glaze over at the sight of me and the sound I make. That’s all OK. Out of my control, but okay.

So the crux of this is, who’s perceptions do I pay attention to? Who’s viewpoint do I use to sculpt my self-concept?

A self-concept seen through the eyes of haters will be warped. A self-concept seen through the eyes of people who are on the opposite eye line, believing you can do no wrong is a little warped too, though obviously a very attractive and tempting proposition. It would be easy to get big-headed and grandiose if that were the case.

I suppose to be psychologically healthy, I have to incorporate different perceptions of me, BUT, I don’t do that in a balanced way.

I tend to give far too much weight to the hating eyes, and that affects me negatively more than the boosting uplifting aspects of the loving caring ‘seeing the good in me’ eyes. I actively need to include the happy eyes into my self-perception and make the hating element (that I give a shit about) far less dominating and salient.

I need to accept some people will resent me, look down on me, want to emotionally hurt and wound me spitefully, not understand me, think they have worked me out but not actually know me one bit, or even actively hate me.

I cannot stop that. But I will be far happier if I avoid ignoring the tons of loving and caring messages I get every day.

Fuck the haters. My energy aggravates their energy and their energy aggravates and unsettles mine.

I will stick with those that have good energy, those that help me feel good, that don’t undermine me, that see the good in me and the innocence; people who value honesty and respect me for not sugar coating anything, and those who know my good intentions and respond well to them.

I am told a lot that I am beautiful, inside and out. I won’t comment on the externally beautiful thing, as this isn’t a body image post. This is a personality and self-perception post….. But I thank everyone who thinks I am beautiful on the inside and have good energy. That is the best compliment you could pay me. I also like to be told I write well, explain things well, help people see things in a new light, and inspire them in some way.

I choose to see myself as beautiful, beneath my bonkers.

I do know I have a brilliant energy that attracts people.

So what if the odd wanker or jealous bitch wants to take me down? I can handle that.

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I can handle it all.

I’m fighting back. I’m getting stronger. Keep looking at me all you want. Eyes on me. I am ok with any of that and any wounding that comes my way, because I am OK with me. Bonkers beauty and all.

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summerSHINES©

 

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “EYES ON ME

  1. Don’t apologise. I enjoyed reading this comment because I think im similar (or at least can be, depending on what swing of the mood pendulum I’m on which massively manipulates my relative confidence/self-efficacy levels. When you describe pouring doubt onto absolutely everything that is a very apt description of what you/I/any of us are doing. I think we are raised to have particular mindsets, or at least how we are raised, plus early formative experiences shape our worldview and self-comcepy and identity. I personally get upset about criticism because I often agree with it to a certain degree anyway 😂 If the criticism is ill founded them I think they are twats, but if I see where they’re coming from, their comments will churn away in my mind. I would much rather be open about my flaws and insecurities than feign confidence which isn’t really there. I believe (magical thinking) that if I openly admit all the shit bits about me that people will know they don’t need to possibly add further fuel to the self criticism bonfire because it’s already burning steadily anyway. But I’ve learned people still do that. People do tell you you’re a shit person (without using those precise words 😛 but I feel their malice and venom acutely). Everybody cares what people think. Those that say they don’t are either atypically Buddhist or liars. Validation and approval is a human emotional need. Not everyone is quite as hungry for it as I am and perhaps you are?…but wanting to be told you’re doing well at what you do is absolutely natural. I too find it baffling when I get positive comments, but do I conclude the majority of my friends and blog readers are liars? And I just attract ingratiating liars? Or do I believe that the views I have if myself is bollocks, and a reaction to all the shitty people who treated me so badly? It *has* to be the second option! Do you know about internal and external locus of control and the difference between them? It’s a psychological construct that divides people into two camps. Probably a full blog post of content there. I’ll maybe write about it tomorrow 😊 Incidentally personally I think that you have all the markings of someone who would excel at studying human psychology. The way you think is fabulous and you’d be a natural. Maybe you like my blog because there’s something in you that likes the psychological-ness in my writing? I think novelists have to have a good grasp of psychology to create characters that are relatable. What do you think? I am finding my spirit again. It nearly got battered out of me for a time due to some cuntish people but I’m rising up again. 😊😊 (in a grounded way, not a bonkers way) Thanks for your comment 😊

  2. Do you ever feel that the most hateful and judgemental pair of eyes upon you are your own? I definitely do. I’m my biggest and harshest critic. In fact I’m often extremely cruel on myself and, over the years, I think I’ve worked out why. It’s self-preservation. If I adorn myself with cripplingly negative eyes then I’m steeling myself against the potential crippling negativity of others. That may sound like a crap justification for having low self-esteem and that I’m advocating actually having low self-esteem too.

    However, look a little deeper and you quickly realise that what I’m doing when I adorn myself with the hateful eyes is talking myself out of trying to be the best I can be. I’m telling myself I’m not good enough to succeed in the targets I’ve set myself. I’m pouring doubt onto absolutely everything. Whenever I try to achieve something it’s in spite of my own evil, sneering gaze and voice that repeats “Give up you fucking loser”.

    I care about what others think. I really do. When I’m told I’ve done something well—especially writing—I feel a warm fuzzy glow inside. The problem is that a hundred lovely comments and issues of praise don’t amount to the evil version of me that utters “They’re only saying it to be nice, you useless piece of shit”.

    How do you rid yourself of yourself? It’s only myself who’s going to be the object of my failure, nobody else.

    Apologies. I’ve turned this whole comment into something about me. I feel really rather egocentric now :-/

    There again, you know I have literally only good things to say about you. I think the way you have fought and continue to fight back from your trauma is absolutely incredible. You’re an exceptional human being 🙂

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