Loneliness is the quietest explosion you’ll ever [not] hear


It explodes peacefully in never-ending waves; breaking against the shoreline of our hearts

There is no sound of exploding on the outside

The sound is all on the inside

We are alone and at one with that sound

The hurt sits concealed and contained under our sagging skin

No one knows we are feeling lonely, unless we say we are

But we don’t say we are, do we

Loneliness is something which is felt, but rarely expressed or shared

Maybe you can imagine I’m lonely by the bowed head, the down-turned once sparkling now grey eyes, the way my shoulders slump and my wrists turn inward- protecting myself, not letting anybody in; because we don’t expect anyone to want to be let in

Or maybe you are too busy to notice me, after all I am invisible, aren’t I?

or at least I feel I am

That herd and that in-group you speak about, I’m not part of that

I sit outside of that circle

not by choice

I know I don’t belong here

But all I ever want is to be invited in

Loneliness fills my head up with lonely thoughts, lonely feelings, and lonely sensations

All I see ahead is nothingness

All I hear is the sound of a little child crying in the gloom

All I taste in my mouth is disgust as I reject and spit out my own revolting company

All I touch is the surface of one hand with the fingertip of another

All I crave is to hold someone else’s hand for comfort, or to feel you embrace me with warm welcoming arms that tell me “I’m here for you, and don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere”

All I feel is afraid. Afraid that this feeling will persist and linger on for infinity

Sometimes I am alone and OK with being alone

But being ‘lonely’ is a different thing altogether

I can feel lonely when I am in conversation with you

Loneliness is an ache, a weeping wound, a squiggly mess of jumbled up unwelcome rubbish

At it’s worst, the loneliness of my mental illness causes me to wonder why I even exist at all

Why am I here? I ponder,

But I know there is a reason for my being here

I bare all when I write, just so people can become aware they are not alone

Please know you are NOT the only one

There is me too

and I am feeling what you’re feeling

I feel for you, feeling the things you feel

I fully know what you feel

Why? because I feel the exact same inner explosions pulse through me

Our journeys are similar even though we travel along different pathways

We are alone, together

Exploding, but surviving

To the rest of you, seek out the lonely ones

You don’t know what you’re missing out on if you don’t

Watch for the quiet explosion of loneliness reflecting in the eyes of the people around you

If you’re the one doing the silent exploding, please know you are NOT the only one

Let’s be alone, but together in that aloneness