Here is an extract from an email I just wrote to my psychologist. I often email her for therapeutic purposes. Whilst it’s against her therapeutic boundaries to reply, she’s happy for me to continue to write as she knows writing helps me process difficult feelings. It also means she gets a flavour of what my week has been like to prepare her for the next one. Often I’ll write things on emails to her that I wouldn’t probably even blog about. She knows it all so I can say it all and name names (which, for confidentiality reasons, I wouldn’t do on here). But I decided to publish this as I reckon I’ll not be the first person who’s felt this way. It may well resonate with you……If it resonates with you, this way of living sucks, doesn’t it. If this doesn’t resonate, you’re lucky.
Trigger Warning….Explicit references to suicidality.
“I hate the suicidal ideation, however fleeting it is. It’s so stubbornly persistent. Everytime I have a suicidal vision in my head, it’s very real, and very traumatic. It’s far more than just an abstract ‘wishing I were dead’… It’s imagining exactly how, and seeing it happen in real time on a movie-roll in my head, like a premonition of what I often believe may end up happening one day. After life blots out completely it’s seeing my body limp and my flesh pallid,greying and lifeless. It’s imagining the beautiful absence of everything. It’s a longing and craving that is more real, raw and true than all the bollocks I chat on about in therapy. All of therapy is bollocks! My life is almost wholly and exclusively consumed with thoughts about death. Imagining the absence of life is I guess the best coping mechanism I have ever known that safeguards the continuation of my life. I have to cling to the idea of death, to survive this thing called life.
That’s so sad, isn’t it.”