GOODBYE TO ALL, ESP. YOU x

My creative inspiration (blogging-wise has dried up). Creativity is not a predictable resource. While some manage to max out creativity and produce creative output prolifically, almost as one of their personality traits, sometimes the well just dries up, the brain cells cease to fire, and the creativity shrivels like a air dried prune [with extra wrinkles].

I have blogged from February 2015 to now, but not all on the summer starts to shine blog. I have blogged prolifically and cathartically and therapeutically, and seen myself through a myriad of mental health variation in functioning levels, from crawling on the floor wanting to die level, to high functioning ‘I’m totally in control of my shit’ level.

I’m burned out, not of life in general, but when it comes to blogging and sharing and producing output for people to read and respond to. My goal was to get to 1000 followers by the end of this year, and my follower list stands at a healthy 815 people, plus the Facebook peeps.

But does chasing likes and comments and shares really help with my therapeutic process of recovery/life with mental health conditions? Yes, and no, but the no is beginning, on balance, to become larger than the yes, which leads me to wonder why I am doing this.

I know from reading the blogs of other bloggers that many of us will reach a point of disillusionment at some stage. I know I’m not alone in feeling this, as many of my blog friends are at this point right now. Maybe it is partly the emotional contagion effect of that, making me reconsider what I devote my time and energy into and wonder whether changes may need to be made.

But I think I am an independent enough thinker to also feel secure that this disillusionment is mainly originating from deep within. It is maybe a reflection of the stage of life I am at, crucial internal mental transitions I am going through, and where I know I want to be headed in the future.

Summer starts to shine has taken me closer to where I want to be. More insightful, more self-aware, more practised at communicating my ideas to a diverse virtual audience, more authentic, more known about, less invisible. But in turn, summer starts to shine has left me more vulnerable, more exposed, more confused, more dominated by an inner state of unrest, and ultimately feeling like I am going round in most prettiest but also most useless of circles.

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I cannot blog just because there is an expectation that I will and always will, to please the people who enjoy reading this blog. Likewise I shouldn’t stop blogging because there are select people who don’t approve or like what I create here. Blogging is for an audience, but it has to have self-benefit for the author and give satisfaction, otherwise you are just working as an unpaid writer to entertain, amuse, or educate others.

Maybe this is the depressed mood talking. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe this is temporary and will pass, but right now, I think the best way summer can shine is to stop blogging.

There is nowhere I prefer to be than behind a keyboard, writing, expressing, communicating, but I want to make the move to professional writing. I want to write for a purpose that is more than ‘summer just messily splurges her thoughts, feelings and experiences on her blog stream-of-consciousness-then feels empty and unsatisfied’.

Lately I have done more writing projects for organisations that I admire and respect, that have created more tangible and real positive outcomes. That is what writing is about for me. Making a difference. Changing and improving things. Raising standards. Influencing attitudes. Explaining things in a way that makes sense to the intended audience. I think I have tasted another type of writing, and blogging (stream-of-consciousness and spontaneously) just seems a tad lack lustre in comparison.

My hubby thoughtfully suggested I try a different way of blogging….planned posting, but it just doesn’t fit with my internally and instinctively as being the right thing for this blog. I have thought of not only stopping writing new material, but deleting my blog entirely and abandoning the concept of mental health blogging completely. He says I shouldn’t, and what a waste that would be, but I just feel ambivalent right now.

I used to love blogging, and I definitely still LOVE writing- it’s my best thing, but I don’t love blogging on summer starts to shine quite like I used to.

I question how much of this is depression/mood based and symptomatic of anhedonia (the clinical lack of pleasure in things that once gave masses of pleasure found in those people who are depressed). But I also like to listen to gut instincts, and my instincts tell me that blogging is wrong, and it is writing I should be doing.

I want to build up a body of written work that I am proud of. My blog posts that I knock out (in half an hour usually) don’t give me the same sense of pride as a writer as the the serious and purposeful writing I do. I have a notebook full of ideas, but blogging keeps me of the scent, and those projects get sidelined because I’ll feel a build up of pressure that I haven’t published anything on summer shines.

It is becoming an albatross, rather than a virtual vehicle for strengthening my once frail and broken wings.

My heart isn’t in this. My heart hurts. I feel alone and exposed and vulnerable. The things that used to matter don’t, and I’m noticing there are new things in my life that are coming along and mattering more.

Blogging so regularly has taught me a lot about writing, and even more about people, and how they may respond. None of these lessons, however painful to tolerate at times, are wasted.

I have to go within, and go with what fits for me. Maybe summer cannot shine if I continue to blog.

I know I have decisions to make, but they are not decisions to be taken lightly. I have invested a huge amount of myself into this blog, so quitting is not something to be done lightly, without a certain degree of sadness, disappointment, and even mourning (if that isn’t too strong a word).

I am grieving for lots of things right now, things which I don’t want to go into publically. I am shutting down internally, closing for business, whether this is temporary I’m not sure, but I’m definitely sure that the status quo isn’t quite working out.

I really value the blog friends I have made, and I want to stay in touch with you, off the blog, if you want to. My email address is summerstartstoshine@yahoo.com if you want to contact me that way. If I give up on blogging, please know I am not giving up on you. I am protecting me, but I still care about you xxx

Here is my personal list of the bloggers who I have really really valued through my time as a blogger. This list is off-the-top-of-my-head, written in one go, as is all my blogging here, so please forgive me if you’ve not made it to this list. I have dissociative amnesia as a symptom of my trauma, so sometimes my memories are not all accessible, depending on my current dissociative state. You are on this list because you are the bloggers that even if I stop blogging, I won’t forget, for various reasons. In no particular order……

Buffy Devane, Gina (singledust), Alexis (untangled), Brenda, Athina (courage coaching), Raquel (recovery to wellness), Paul (paul e bailey’s world), Claire (red balloons) Rayne (journey toward healing) Paul (mindfump), SDC (the river runners), Twinkle toes 79, Liz (my wellbeing and learning journey) Manuel (emotionsoflife2016), Anaida, Karl (in a dark wood), Anna (the daily annagram), Liza (lizalizaskiesaregrey) Esther, bethanyK (not my secret), beauty beyond bones, Ms SG41, Dweed (daisy on the willows) no face woman, she ra (motherhood made me do it), a broken blue sky, Barney (out of the bog and the myre) me time online, belleUnrue, anxious writer, Eddaz, manyofus1980, Sylvan (out of the dark), secret keeper, Anne J, Tenacity T. Emerging from the dark night, the original phoenix, Guernsey Jason, 1-wise woman, mr daffy duck, Simon, Defavereux Fraser, Art (advanced research technology), Alex (journey to euphoria), Daleom, Helena, Lisa, Sarah, Zig et al.

Goodbye to all

summerSHINES©

 

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57 thoughts on “GOODBYE TO ALL, ESP. YOU x

  1. Sylvan says:

    I saw your title and had hoped it wasn’t what it actually transpired to be – but that’s a selfish part of me thinking just about me. If I think about you then I still think inspiration, poet, smiles, tears and laughter. Good honest writing should hit you emotionally on many levels, you certainly achieved that. Take good care of yourself, the worlds a better place with people such as yourself around and we will talk again (in a non-stalkerish way!!!)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Paul.E.Bailey says:

    This has left me feeling extremely melancholy, yet simultaneously nodding my head in agreement. You need to have a cogent reason for blogging and, if the reason no longer suits the process, there really is no need in flogging the proverbial dead horse. You’re an extremely prolific blogger, to the point where I literally can’t keep up. You’re probably just totally burned out from it. That’s how I got earlier this year before my break and I was only posting every other day.

    You have to do what’s write for you (see what I did there). I’ve said so many times that structured writing is so much better and more therapeutic than writing for my blog. I’m a novelist in a bloggers world, possibly the reason my success has been so limited. You are clearly another kind of writer too. You’ve done an excellent job, but without fulfilment you have nothing. If I wasn’t writing fiction for my blog then I genuinely think I’d have quit months ago.

    Youve been amazing to me since you turned up in my little blog circle and I’m going to miss you like mad. You’re one of only four or five bloggers I take any time to read. Your style is so unique and refreshing. Please make sure you continue on the path to becoming published. You deserve it. Your voice and your stories need to be heard. Make sure they are.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. metimeonline says:

    Not gunna lie, I’m sad. But also not gunna lie, this is what I should be doing too, and tried to do, twice, before slinking back. Go and shine summer! I will miss your words but I’ll look out for you in the professional writing world :) take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. summerSHINES says:

    This is so kind and I feel really emotional reading your comment. Thank you. We are different kinds of writers and that is why we connect, despite our styles being different to one another. Uniqueness is attractive in a blog saturated world. I will write everyday, but for a purpose bigger than Summer shines can achieve. I am writing my memoirs again, back in the habit. I want to write books, not just blog posts. I also want to write educational material on topics that interest me and I have wisdom about. There’s still the mental health glitches to work on too, so that give me more than enough to work on, plus my family. I know you’ll get published…it’s only a matter of time hun. And I want to come to your first book signing 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Paul.E.Bailey says:

    In all honesty, I’m not looking for similar writers. I’m looking for good writers. Writers with a story to tell whether fictional or non-fictional. There are too many out there who apparently obsess over the use of elaborate words where a simpler one would have sufficed and I find that level of smart-arsery really off-putting. Then there are those who might as well be six year old children for the quality they write with. But at least both of the above are actually writing! It’s the ones who don’t write at all or are just talking utter bollocks that really grate on me. Your unique style combined with your stories and perspectives have made you a breath of fresh air. You definitely have the wherewithal to educate people and I am certain that you will. I confidently predict that you’ll be published before I am as yours is such a fascinating, if gruesome, story that people are going to want to hear. How can any publisher refuse the opportunity to put your story into print? You’ll make it happen. I know you will. I’ll be one of your avid readers too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lone Wolf Breathes says:

    I enjoyed reading this, even though it is quite melancholy, maybe that is why I like it so much… as you are flowing in this blog from a very deep part of you. I hope you can keep this blog here as I have only read a fraction of it. If you feel like checking in now and again you can that way. Thank you for your inspiring words in many of your blogs which I have read. Take care of you, for you. Stephen

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Secret Keeper says:

    I’m honored to be on your list, thank you. You are on my list too. Blessings to you as you navigate through the next part of your journey of healing. Don’t delete just yet. Sit on it for awhile while you continue to process. You may want to reflect on this part of your journey sometime in the future to see how far you’ve come. Stay in touch ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  8. summerSHINES says:

    Thank you Stephen 😊 I will keep the blog public as it seems a waste to delete it all, but I just know I’ve outgrown this…for now at least. I don’t filter anything and I’ve had a really challenging day, which probably came across in my writing. The good news is I am having a blog published on Time to Change. A UK mental health website. I only found out they had accepted it tonight. That’s cheered me up a little. I can easily be plagued by feelings of worthlessness, and sometimes I feel empty for no reason….but onwards and upwards. I have stuff I want to do. I want to make me mark on the world 😊👍 Take care of you too Stephen, and feel free to keep in touch. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  9. She-Ra says:

    Oh, this is so sad! I understand it though. :( I do hope you will keep this blog public, and perhaps, when the time is right, you will return to it. (I’m allowed to hope, right?!!). Sending you tremendous love! xoxo <3 <3

    Liked by 1 person

  10. summerSHINES says:

    Aw loads of love ❤❤ I’ll keep the blog public and appreciate all the gains from it, but my heart is just is not in it anymore. Change is good. I love what you’ve written lately. You’re a fab writer and I want to stay in touch for sure 😊

    Like

  11. Liz says:

    Aww so sad to read this. But you need to do what is right for you. I would suggest on one thing though, listen to your hubby and don’t delete your blog just yet. Instead, just leave it as it is, do what you need to do away from it all and forget about it for a month or more. After a few months, if you still feel the same about blogging, then delete. But if you don’t, you have not deleted all your past hard work. Your blog can be easily made flexible to how your needs change or how you grow.
    Thank you for thinking of me at the end of this post and whether you blog or not, I will still be in contact with you via Facebook. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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