I have little time to fully share how I feel today because I’m too busy and FAR too excited to form words or accurately put my feelings into words to any great extent.
I am busy getting ready for the Mind Media Award ceremony down in the big smoke of London town :)
Even though I received my invitation several weeks ago, it still hasn’t sunk in that I’m attending (or worthy of being invited in the first place). Neither has it sunk in that the chief executive of the charity will be reading out some of my quotes during the ceremony!!
I have felt a strange combination of elation and upset lately as the awards have drawn closer. It wasn’t long ago things had got to crisis point remember. So there’s still all that inner crap still going on and being processed as well as my desire to embrace my future and what opportunities lie ahead…..but for today and tomorrow I will embrace the present….
The past is an unwanted drainer of any joy.
The future is unwritten and unpredictable.
But I do have the present moment and in the present moment, today, I am packing and pampering and preening myself in readiness, not to mention basking in an unusually glowy glow of (very emotional) pride.
Here is me trying on my chosen frock yesterday…
In less than 12 months I have made so much personal progress despite my obvious (and openly blogged about) blips and setbacks (which are sadly all part and parcel of mental health recovery for us all).
It began by me taking part in R.E.D January, I blogged about it for Mind charity, then got invited to be a media volunteer for them. I wrote stuff for many independent websites and publications aside of this blog including Time to Change, I campaigned in bloody parliament! I organised my own charity hike (and smashed our ambitious fundraising target), I ran a 10k for local Mind, I wrote two charity speeches (which I regrettably ended up being too unwell to deliver 😔) but then finally I was able to deliver my first mental health presentation to a room full of people….. and then there was the radio interviews (two) and the telly appearance (one) and being part of the national crisis care campaign.
What the actual F**K!!!
I can’t believe this all. Literal disbelief.
I write this all down in list form, not to boast to you, but to successfully convince myself and remind myself I DID ALL THIS!!! I actually did! (to counter my self-hatred and boringly chronic insecurity.)
Me. No one else. Just me. I did all that- in one golden year of shine. 2017 has been a monumental year of post-psychiatric breakdown triumph and post-traumatic growth.
I wrote the words, ran and hiked these steps, planned the projects, networked my way around the mental health community network, spoke in the interviews and talks and campaigned for what I believe. All me. I did it, not only for myself and my self-esteem but importantly to inspire and influence others
I really wish I could keep a hold of these facts and remember these obvious successes on my days of emotional crisis and despair where I think (and say), with full sincerity;
“I hate myself. I’m useless. I shouldn’t be here. Everyone would be better off without me.”
In truth, they wouldn’t be better off. That is all false- the lies my illness tells me.
All the above is proof I’m not useless, and when I rock up at Leicester Square I’ll chant silently in my head “I am not useless and I do deserve to be here”
I know the next few days will be highly emotional but whatever emotions come up I’ll ride the waves, (unless they are insecure negative self talky ones in which case I’ll tell them to crash over someone else’s shore😜)
No. I’ll enjoy this and I deserve to enjoy it. I’ll be living in the moment, and hopefully LOVING and enjoying every moment!
I may not get round to blogging about the awards for a while afterwards as the whole week is full and busy, but rest assured I’ll be photographing EVERYTHING and sharing some snaps on my blog as soon as I can. I’ll take my notebook with me so I can write long hand and old school, jotting down exactly what is in my head.
It’s a relief to know I’m NOT absolutely useless, who knew!
And I am so looking forward to meeting so many people who are also the opposite of useless……people who have left such a positive mark on public perceptions and awareness of mental health. #proud #mindmediaawards…and if I can get to meet Stephen Fry I’ll be sooooo buzzing! Prince Harry and Fearney too, obvs! I’ll report back next week :)
This photo is ME lol! I finally found a frock :)