UNDERWATER DROWNING

Today is NOT a good day to have the rug pulled from under you. By that I mean, today is not a good day to have your mental health appointment cancelled at the last minute.

This is the MH appointment that I have pinned all my hopes on ALL weekend; all the time I’ve been feeling increasingly and stupidly hopeless.

The clocks on the hands have moved to now: the time I was meant to be driving to my CPN appointment; but instead of that, I’m here, at home, alone, and painfully aware of my own inner clock ticking…the clock of inward twisting desperation. The TICK TOCKS get louder, as I become more and more aware of just how much I am struggling. I’m wrestling with myself. The psychological strait jacket isn’t budging. I needed to talk today. I really fucking needed it. Fuck.

But that respite has been snatched away and I’m alone.

My other half isn’t here either. He’s away….AGAIN. There is no one to tell of my plight. I’ve emailed one and left a message for another. I chirped out my immediate panic in a tweet. One crying face emoji reaction came back on Facebook.

They understand. They know. They get it. They have been virtually by my side all weekend as I have cried and curled up under the duvet and expressed and splurged and uttered that sentence we all know is universally difficult to say…..

“I need help”

legrandbleublog

I don’t just want, I NEED help, and that is the truth.

I don’t want help for fun. I NEED help, for survival.

I don’t want attention to bolster my ego. I NEED attention, because I feel like I’m dying inside- and no one should have to die alone.

I don’t want your time because I want to indulge in how “special” I think I am. Hell no. I NEED your time like I need air. I need to be able to tell you how low I’ve got, and how tired I am, and how I have no idea how I’m going to heal and improve.

I needed her and I can’t have her, despite my need, and that makes me panic and splutter.

Not only does this last minute cancellation hurt, it scares the shit out of me. People who don’t live my life will find it mind boggling to try and put themselves in my place I’d suspect. But I am telling you- people in the mental health system are only in it in the first place because we have a psychological NEED for it, not a want, a NEED. I cannot emphasise strongly enough how much we need and depend on these regular appointments, particularly when you’ve been in the system for a long time, because we NEED to come up for air regularly and breathe some breaths to fill our lungs up to capacity before we’re forced to get back to our underwater swimming drowning again.

I canNOT swim underwater. I canNOT breath underwater. Inbetween mental health appointments I am hardly thriving- no, I am barely surviving.

Imagine living your life gasping for air like Ian in that ‘I’m a celeb’ bushtucker trial- the one where he panicked and said he couldn’t breathe….except I can’t shout I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE! There is no medic (Bob) waiting at the bushtucker trial clearing with the oxygen mask ready, waiting for your pulse to eventually subside and calm to once again resume.

I have the Samaritans. I have the CMHT office phone number (they won’t ring back so what’s the point). I have friends, sure, but they are busy and they have already done so much to get me through Friday to now. This is the time I need the professionals and the oxygen mask to restore me back to emotional homeostasis. But it’s just me alone.

Self-soothing even more than I’ve already done for three shitty days? Are you sure I can do that??? Am I sure I can do that?

No, I’m not.

I’m NOT sure.

I am panicking, lost, floundering, gasping. I only had enough oxygen left in the tank to last me till this morning. So I am anticipating the drown. The drowning sensation is horrible to anticipate. I’m already feeling it, to a degree, but I know it will get worse.

I have nothing booked in for later in the week either. Last week’s therapy was EXCRUCIATINGLY BAD, so I failed to book in another.

I’m uncontained and about to stop breathing and no one knows.

What the actual F**K am I supposed to do?

I am about to drown but I somehow need to learn to breathe underwater, because underwater is where I am staying for the foreseeable future,

I’m depressed, clinically so. What do I do??? What do I DO?

 

I’m dying (it feels like) and about to drown completely. My energy levels and ability to put up a fight are pitiful. My mood is the very darkest maritime themed navy blue. My body is frozen and still, conserving my energy for my (inevitable?) eventual demise. There is a hope in my heart that I can learn to breathe underwater, but quite how long it will take me to figure this process out I’m not sure of.

I am crying. I am lonely. I am empty. I am floating passively in the inky blue ice cold water, and somehow I need to learn how to open my eyes, look around me for solutions, and start producing my own oxygen.

I need to start breathing independently, instead of drowning alone……underwater.

summerSHINES©

 

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21 thoughts on “UNDERWATER DROWNING

  1. Rayne says:

    I’m sorry your appointment got cancelled at the last moment. That’s just fucked up, and NOT fair or right! I wish I lived closer to you so I could actually be there for you the way you need. What I say to try to keep my head above water when I feel I’m drowning: “Just keep breathing”. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Joseph Emerson says:

    Ugh. I feel your pain. I’ve been afraid of that happening, getting my ducks in a row ready for a good session and when a text or phone call comes through moments before I’m about to start the car makes me cringe… Like “shit, are they cancelling?” Great writing and I hope you pull through.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. dbest1ishere says:

    I am so very sorry they cancelled on you. I know how that feels as it seems to happen to me a lot especially on Mondays. The weekends are tough to deal with and I look forward to that appointment and when its cancelled last minute I take it personally.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. BelleUnruh says:

    So sorry this happened. I feel your desperation, and it makes me feel sorry for everyone everywhere who suffers from mental illness. I wish you had another option on someone to call or go see. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. BelleUnruh says:

    I was feeling low this weekend. It was my grandson’s birthday, the one who died. His mom went to stay at his brother’s apartment, because it is such a sad day for them. This grandson, Jordan, became addicted to heroin a couple of years ago. He went into a methadone clinic and has been off heroin since summer. But my daughter told me Jordan was vomiting and told her meth makes him feel sick every day. He is losing weight again. I’m afraid he went back to heroin. It makes you lose weight.

    I was feeling so desperate to help him. But there is nothing at all I can do. Feel helpless. I have to, absolutely have to , leave him in God’s hands or I won’t be able to function. My mom needs me. God is helping me. He takes my fears away. May God lift us both up and give us strength and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. summerSHINES says:

    That is so sad 😔😢 You cannot save him from serious addiction like that sadly, nor would he expect you to. You are unwell yourself so looking after yourself takes your full energy and self care isn’t selfish. I wish I had words to help you. I’m sending all my love ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. BelleUnruh says:

    My daughter just called me. She said she told Jordan he had to go back on anti-depressants and must have counseling. He said okay. I’m so thankful. He has always refused counseling, but he needs it very much. Thanks for you support and love.

    Liked by 1 person

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