FRAYED

Trigger warning ** some content may upset, especially if you are an animal lover.

Tonight I’m frayed. I’m not af-raid….or maybe I am, in a quiet way, underneath. In fact, I know I am afraid. Because life is scary, right? Life can change quickly. Highs can quickly become lows [in my world anyway], and we just don’t have a clue what will happen next.

Today my PTSD threat system has been on hyperdrive. I haven’t relaxed all day, and I’m still keyed up and revved up now, ready to take action and do something. Maybe I just need to keep that store of underlying energy under wraps for the next fire I have to put out.

I have fought fires in my brain on and off all day, unexpected things, small and bigger….all united by their propensity to transform calm to [brain] chaos, all in an instant.

Smoke, Fires, Extinguishers. High alert. Wait….it’s ok. Oh shit, is isn’t ok again. Ups and downs….chats of furrowed brow sincerity.

  1. School run. I’m not driving, I’m a passenger. For once my other half is home and we’re together. Out races the cat, probably fleeing from a dog or some other scary thing, straight into another scary thing; the back wheel of a car. (Not our car; the car in front.) Will it be squished? or will it narrowly escape and get out to safety through the other side? Brake. See cat. It’s not run away. Yes, it’s hit. 20 seconds of panicked convulsing witnessed as the cat tries to get back on it’s feet and can’t. The shock is too much. The cat suddenly flops and relaxes into an un moving heap. It was inevitable, but to watch it happen. Full life to full death in seconds. It hurt me. I wasn’t the one who was hit. But it hurt me. I was powerless. We all were. The poor lady who’d hit the car-she was in tears. I’d got out of the car and stood staring at the cat and the bloodied fur. I didn’t know what to do. I froze. Safety first, don’t block the road- didn’t want a car crash happening too. Usher child quickly towards the school gates in a state of silent shock; afterwards feeling like the worst Mum ever for not checking she was ok. Rang the school receptionist. Please check on her- she may be upset. I was upset. I really was. The cat was lifted by a passer by who knew the owners and taken in it’s limp bloodied state to the house. So sad :( It shook me up and set the tone for the whole day. So many things went through my head- none of them pleasant. I felt unsafe and at risk. The sight of blood and seeing an animal physically die so close to my eyes is replaying in my head all day. I’m super sensitive to graphic visual stimuli like that. It reminds me of darker moments of my past which I don’t want to go into now. This was not a good start to the day. Thank goodness it was not a child. I imagined how it would feel to lose a child like that, a fatal accidental sudden collision. It doesn’t bear thinking about.
  2. Arrive home to see delivery of HUGE hedges to be planted in a neighbours garden which will obscure our ability to pull safely out of the junction of our cul de sac. Still in fight or flight mode….I knock on their door ready to express my concerns. they fob me off and take no notice. This makes me angry, but resigned. I’m still upset about the cat thing so this is just extra stuff.
  3. Meet eldest’s tutor at school to discuss important stuff. The meeting goes well, but what about the hedges? and the cat? I move on.
  4. Travel straight back to youngest’s school- the location of the cat collision. The accident replays in my head. I think of the blood and the convulsing and shiver. I have a great time fuelled by the very obvious excitement of the children in the workshop, but then a curve ball is thrown. I’m held back at the end by the head teacher. Will I run the PTA (parent teacher association)….wait…what? me? Are you sure? They want it to be me. I think inside my head, I’m not grown up enough, and aren’t I a bit too bonkers to do something as sensible and responsible as that? But still I think it over and say yes, with the caveat that my mental health isn’t consistent, therefore what time I can out in is inconsistent. I start to brood, thinking my mental health makes it hard to say yes with confidence to almost anything. My mood lowers.
  5. Arrive back home to get unexpected letter saying I have to have a medical review exam. For a PTSD sufferer, this is one of my worst fears. I hate this. Not today.

What a day.

I’m frayed. Absolutely frayed.

I don’t cope well with the novel and unexpected. I don’t like demands that I haven’t planned for. I don’t like to be confronted with death before 9am in the morning. I have not been able to bring my anxieties down all day, genuinely. I have tried, but I have had so many stress balls bouncing around in my brain that I’ve not been able to grab any and squeeze them. Therefore I’ve had no relief. Blogging this out is my only outlet. I really hope I feel better after.

A warm drink, a blanket, some telly and cuddles with my fave man…that’s what I need.

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I am afraid when my nerves get frayed. I don’t like it. I have a bizarre way of easily doing dot to dots in my brain between differing emotions. I find that one emotion easily converts and blends to the other. Anger and depression are very much linked with one becoming the other with a frustratingly predictable repetitiveness. By the same token, anxiety often becomes depression, and since I’ve just started to show signs of lifting out of my current depression this is not great news. So my anxiety made me afraid; afraid that my anxiety will bring back my depression, and being afraid that depression will come is an example of anxiety isn’t it.

My brain is fed up of producing emotional cocktails, but that is what it’s wired to do. You are nervous….ahhh brilliant….here’s some depression too for good measure.

I’ve felt depressed since this afternoon. The improvement I was feeling has evaporated.

I’ve caught myself pining for my therapist, even though I only spoke to her yesterday. I wanted to be soothed after my upsetting cat-getting-run-over-witnessing-experience. I want her to tell me I’ll be ok, and validate my distress, but I don’t have her, and will have to wait another week for a phone call so I need to deal with this independently. YIKES.

I still haven’t emotionally processed yesterday’s therapy and have a busy weekend ahead, so we shall have to see what transpires tomorrow. I will plan some downtime and R&R to restore me. Self-care will be what sees me through.

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Right now though, I just feel crap. Crap, with nerves frayed, also pretty afraid….afraid of the black dog. I wish that bugger would get hit by a car so it didn’t plague me. The black dog deserves it far more than that poor cat this morning did.

summerSHINES©

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