DO YOU KNOW…[CONFESSIONS]

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Do you know…..there isn’t currently any part of my body that doesn’t hurt.

Do you know…..I struggle to think of myself as anything other than completely broken.

Do you know…..my emotional state is as precarious as the black ice on the school run this morning.

Do you know…..that sometimes social media makes me hurt, and I struggle to know what it is that hurts more; to share myself bare as I do online, or to be stared at in the playground, back when I was a lonely child. No one ostracises me online, perhaps it is me that ostracises myself.

Do you know…..that so many aspects of the modern world get me down, but that finding a new way of living seems near enough impossible because I am the only one in my family unit that wishes to change anything.

Do you know…..that I can’t seem to stop hanging onto my inherent toxic shame regardless of whether it is warranted justified, or in line with anyone else’s perception of myself.

Do you know….that it’s impossible for me to articulate just how much I HATE this body I’m stuck in.

Do you know…..that I’m stuck in a scenario where my principled openness to the world about my depression and mood instability is probably the thing that stops people giving me the break I actually need to become less depressed. I am depressed largely because I don’t have a job, but my mental health puts people off giving me a chance to actually prove myself because everyone is way too scared of my depression to give me that job that I know will make me less depressed. People want me to sort my depression out first, before I apply for jobs, but what they don’t know is the job is the missing key that will alleviate so much of my current depression. So I need the job first, then I’ll get well.

Do you know…..that I could cry buckets over my lost opportunities.

Do you know….how much I wholeheartedly resent my BPD and PTSD illnesses for the life diminishing effects they have had over the years.

Do you know…..that Christmas is looming heavy in my mind, and that although I am in a better place than a year ago, or the year before that, that I still could easily bend double with the sheer painfulness of this time of year.

Do you know…..how lonely I feel? yet how much I also crave the very contradictory drive to hide completely away.

Do you know…..how tired I get of the familiar cavernous ache in my chest and the core of my stomach where my emotional pain seems to be stored.

Do you know…..how much I feel I am useless to others right now, as during this emotional state of emergency known as “the build up to Christmas” I need to fit my own breathing mask first.

Do you know…..how much is hidden behind a simple laugh or a smile.

Do you know…..that if I didn’t mask my mental health symptoms when in social situations, I’d probably have no friends at all.

Do you know…..I have a list full of tasks, but the only task I feel I can possible commit to is “hide under the duvet until the bad stuff hurts a little bit less” possibility.

Do you know…..that I am going through a phase of complete vulnerability of being a blogger who shares so much, yet I feel unable to stop, as blogging is in my blood. It may sound to say “I suffer for my art” but where the art of writing and sharing my words is concerned, I do suffer.

Do you know…..that when people give feedback that they are amazed how open I can be during my recent talk about mental health, it leads me to fear that I’m some freakish over-sharer who should go into hiding and only emerge when I have learned the boundaries of appropriate social norms.

Do you know…..that it takes infinite courage to be so openly different.

Do you  know…..that making eye contact with my mental health nurse was so excruciating yesterday that I dissociated and disconnected my brain to the extent where I wasn’t even in the room with her. My body sat with her and my mind stayed in the waiting room.

Do you know…..that I find it bonkers when anyone calls me an inspiration, as I think I am just “someone who moans”.

Do you know….that my confidence is INCREDIBLY low right now….. though I guess you must have already guessed that, as you’ve just read all my confessions.

summerSHINES©

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8 thoughts on “DO YOU KNOW…[CONFESSIONS]

  1. Sylvan says:

    Then I’m quite happy to be called bonkers frankly (quite a catchy name that eh?!) If you think you’re someone who just moans then I for one enjoy your moans and long may they continue. But you’re an awful lot more than that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. BelleUnruh says:

    Yes, I do know all these feelings. And I’ve hated Christmas since my grandson died, but only tell my husband and sister that.

    I was actually going to drive myself to two stores. I had a nightmare snd asthma attack the evening before, so I called my daughter and she drove me. I loved being with her, but I truly hate shopping. No matter what the clerks say to me, I take a long time to answer, so my daughter sometimes answers for me.

    The nightmare I had was about walking in the woods with my husband. We came across two bodies laying on the trail. They were torn to pieces and decapitated by 5 bears. I said, “They shouldn’t have gone out this time of year.” Yep, it’s dangerous out in the world. Bears everywhere. Lol

    How I feel for you! I’m just so sorry anyone has to go through all this. And you are such a sweetheart. Such a completely innocent victim of cruelty beyond understanding. Please don’t give into despair.

    You won’t like this, but I think “they” are right about you not working yet. Any job puts pressure on a person. That’s all we need! If there is a way for you not to think about getting a job for 6 months or so, it would be good for you. If you can find some hobbies you might enjoy, that might be helpful.

    I do have these feelings and dissociation you write about, but they don’t bother me much. I’ve kind of accepted them and realize how valuable I am. It is like any disability, there are things that I can’t do, but lots of things I can do. I ask God to let me find joy in those things, and I do! Just painting something that means something personal or baking a cake gives me joy now. May God’s joy and peace surround you and live in you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. summerSHINES says:

    Belle…I think your message is lovely and you are lovely, but the bear nightmare descriptions are a bit triggering without a warning :( and I really do find the mention of God very upsetting….you do know why that is don’t you, because I’ve explained it in full in my previous blog posts. I know it is your way of showing care and affection and I know your faith is important to you and I fully respect that, but the God references are not something I can have on my summerSHINES blog. I feel very strongly about that :( I’m sorry, but I hope you understand my need (as a survivor of religious abuse) that I be assertive about this. Otherwise my blog is not an emotionally safe place for me to be :( X

    Liked by 1 person

  4. summerSHINES says:

    Ok I understand….I am a deeply spiritual person, but spirituality is NOT religion- they are different things, and it is not God who I have my connection with. God, for me, is a very triggering and upsetting concept. I am respectful of different people having different beliefs, and your faith is not my issue, only when God is written about. God is not something I ever want to think about again. I really do feel strongly. But of course I forgive you and hold no ill will towards you at all. I am just communicating with you honestly as my friend. You are a friend I really value, so I hope I haven’t caused any upset to you. I have just noticed that there have been a few more God references lately and it makes me uncomfortable, because of my past. I know you would never intend to hurt me XX hugs XX

    Liked by 1 person

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